After reading some very insightful posts here, I have determined that I was unqualified to label my mother as being NPD, & I apologize to her now.
She surely suffered from extreme anxiety (& was antisocial), but people with extreme anxiety are no social butterflies. It appeared to me that she disliked me greatly, but I may have given her good reason for that (& I really don't know).
It's true she did have frightening rage episodes & hate for many, but now I think she needed treatment for that paranoid anxiety of hers, & things probably happened to her early in life, that destroyed her ability to be close to anyone. It may have been terrible for her (during the depression era) cuz they were extremely poor, & frequently not fed as children. There was alcoholism in her dad's life for sure, that much she did tell us. But very little else was shared.
I never knew her as a person, nor did she know me. Something seemed to torment her, but never disclosed.
I'm guessing she did her best. I'm sorry mother, that I didn't know you, but I judged you. I hope you now rest in peace.
So grateful to you & everyone who replied.
I think you'll know when ur mom's time is short, (as I did). It has a different 'feel', & we get very calm inside. (I like to think it's God's Grace to us, and His strength). Hope ur doing well friend...🌈, stay in touch💟.
You show a lot of love and forgiveness and insight in your post.
True, just as no one will know us for what we truly are and feel--we need to give others that break.
Sadly, some moms/dads are truly unkind and thoughtless individuals. I know, for me, I hope with all my heart to be at peace before my mother dies. I don't know if it's possible.
But bless you for your forthrightness.
I needed a strong defense system when mother was alive, cud tolerate no emotional connection AT ALL.
My early years were easier cuz I lived far enough away from her 2 not 'feel the vibe', lol.
But caregiving made me nuts due 2 the memories that flooded me. (Probably the charity I have for her now is cuz I know she is dead & I'm safe)!
Can't tell you how great that feeling of "being safe" feels...
(Like somebody has stopped strangling me finally...& I can breathe again). Thanks 2 all💟
Thank you for taking the time to explain even more to me, it has let me know that 1) I am not alone and 2) it isn't me, that I am not crazy!
Thank you so much!☺
Sounds to me you have forgiven your mom and asked to be forgiven...I am not sure if I will ever get there.
Thank you Tiger and Arselle!
Hugs to both of you!🌈⭐
💟. God bless. I'm going to lie down, cuz too much reality for this senior lady, lol. See u 2morrow.
But I know she did her best with the hand she was dealt in life.
Mega-hugs to you, Tiger. I do believe in something after this life, and I think it’s a better, more peaceful place.