My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Cattails
I read your new thread. From what you explained about your childhood it was extremely dysfunctional. Your siblings are scarred by that same upbringing. They are not capable of really caring or they would not allow you to be in the position you are in.
We will be joining you on your new thread. We are sending love and support to you. Hugs, Cattails
How about a compromise? What if you wrote up a brief overview of the exploitation history, (just the facts, not the emtional content), discussed it with Hubby or anyone else who could jog your memory and add items, and provide them with this summary. Perhaps offer a one-time in-person discussion not to exceed 30 minutes.
Because, dear Lisa, I really think it is time to start the new mantra.
... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem... it's not my problem ... it's not my problem
My suggestion would be to just tell the truth, as you are so good at doing, and refer them to the facts, meaning the withdrawals from her account. I really don't know why you even have to get involved in this at all. Your mom is more than capable of telling her story and the bank will back her up.
I think I'd let your mom handle it. She has support now and it's your chance to stay out of the problems she creates for herself. I don't see you getting anything out of this except more problems.
Going to the lake.............not my problem. Going to the lake............not my problem.
Love you Lisa, Cattails.
I think there is a way to offer the facts and not get sucked in. Think of it as about the kid, not your Mom.
And if after reading this, you still have the instinct to tell Jane never mind, that's what you should do.
Have her read this thread, actually -- she will get all the facts here. Then you accomplish all goals (provide some facts, don't get dragged into the mud) in an easy way.
Finally, I wanted to share the words to a song I used to sing in my head, and still do every once in a while, called, "Not My Problem." Jeanne's new mantra reminded me of it. It's to the tune of "Oklahoma" -- from the musical of the same name. You can find the tune on iTunes, if you don't know it. But if you do, let me "sing" it for you. Ahem. Cough cough.
"Nooooooooooot my problem! I am not involved here anymore.
I am on my feet. It sure seems sweet
to be walking out that open door!
Nooooooooooooot my problem!
And tonight my honey lamb and I
Will sit alone and talk and never squak
'bout this gosh darn old news, (compost) pie!
We know there's a line in the sand,
When I stay on my side, things are grand!
So when I say -- yyeeow! -- Ai-yip-i-o-ee-aaay! Wow!
I'm really saying you're not my problem this morning,
Not my problem! Okay!"
Maybe we will hear a chorus of this across the country.
Blessings, sisters!
I have found that I need to maintain very strict boundaries with mother. I do not get involved in her battles with the " abusive" (as in undercooked oatmeal) home care givers. Mother consults with the director of her ALF over them regularly, nor in her complaints about the quality of the food provided (though I agree with her to some extent on that one) as she reports that to the VP of a seniors organization, which works with the governement to improve conditions for seniors. She has a doctor she goes to for her health issues who, along with his staff, is very supportive and understanding, and so on.
I have to say that my gut reaction, Lisa, is "Be very careful", Your mum will manipulate Jane, and anyone else she can, because that is how your mum is. She is also devious.This may be the thin end of a wedge. If you feel you need a epo/restraining order against the addicted nephew, you can do it separately. To me, joining in with her blurs the boundaries of her business vs your business. As far as consulting with Jane, there are some great suggestions here as to how to handle that, and, as always, trust your own guts on it all - nevermind what anyone else says. You have made enormous strides towards your new life and autonomy, and you continue to push forward. You have what I call, the "wisdom of the girlfriends" with you every recent step of the way. It is powerful. I would not be where I am without the "wisdom of the girlfriends". We are the sister elephants helping a mother elephant rescue her baby from a water hole, we are the "wailers" at the wakes who keep watch, we are the untrained midwives who over the centuries, help to usher new lives into this world, we are the nurturers, the supporters, the women through the ages who have stuck beside one another through the vissisitudes of life. We are a force with which to be reckoned.
Do what is good for you. Put the needs of yourself and your family first. You can't go wrong if you so that.
Love and (((((((hugs))))) ♥
Joan
Well, we are here when you want to talk about "The Woman." As I have said before, so glad you are not her POA. Maybe this process will cause the court to appoint one for her. I wouldn't want to be that person. I see another permanent facial twitch on the horizon for who ever might fall into that role.
Love to you, Cattails
You did good. You can go to sleep at nights with a clear conscience. Take care!
To the group~ ...I keep seeing the same names answering the various questions on this site.... and I just want to say I think you are all awesome!!!!!! Hugs!
The emotional reactions you and Doug are having to the changes in your home are another sign of how stressful it was, and, without being any kind of an expert, I think they are a form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Counselling/therapy could help you deal with that. Positive self talk can help too. You have had a lifetime of abuse, and it is bound to leave some scars, and emotional "fall out". Getting your mum out of your home is one step, but getting her out of your heart, and mind, is another. That will take more than a couple of weeks. And there will be some ongoing issues, I am sure, that you have to deal with in some form. Any of these, as well as the physical reminders in your home can, and likely will, trigger your emotions. Your healing has started. Nurture yourself, do what you need to do to get past the pain, to lessen your stress, when triggers are present. You have a wonderful sense of humour which carries you a long way in the right direction. Remember it is OK to cry and let down your defences, as you go through the recovery process.
Big ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and prayers. Joan
There is a beautiful, simple and hugely effective technique called, Ask and Receive, created by a woman named Sandi Radomski. If you are interested, just say these words to yourself. They are five statements.
1. There is a part of my Being that already knows my mother no longer lives in my house, and I no longer have to be afraid of that.
2. That part of my Being is willing to inform the rest of me right now.
3. It is doing so now, with grace and ease.
4. My body, mind and spirit are receiving this information right now.
5. Information transfer complete.
Then you could do some of the of the following statements, as step one, and repeat the other steps as written above.
There is a part of my being that already knows it's safe to let go of the fear of her being in my home.
There is a part of my being that already knows I deserve to let go of the way I feel when I think of Mom being here.
There is a part of my being that already knows I did the best I could.
There is a part of my being that already knows how to claim myself back for myself and my husband and children.
After each statement, go through each of the four others, before going on to the next statement. You may notice lots of things: waves of relief, tears and then no more tears, pretty quickly, lots of yawning, maybe even some burping, or just more and more relaxed. Or all of the above. If I knew how to post a link here I would, but you can google Sandi and this technique for more information. It's extraordinary in its gentle healing, in my experience.