My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
It is entirely possible that your mother's last words to you would have been the same regardless of how she passed and even if you had kept her in your home to the very end. That was who she was. It wasn't your fault.
I hope you can forgive yourself and realize that you did your best. I'm sure it was terrible to realize what her last days were like, but she had her own free will and made choices to live a certain way. She picked the people she wanted to be with and those were poor choices. But that was how she lived her life. You could not control her desires or her choices. If you feel that it would have been best to let her stay with you and continue to hurt your family, then I can't change how you think or feel, I can only say you did your best and you were in a no win situation.
Again, it wasn't your fault. You are forgiven.
I like to think that when people pass, God heals them both physically and mentally and they are able to see things clearly. I'm sure your mom now knows you did your best to help her and she is sorry for the grief and pain she caused her children.
As for Lisa; she and her husband are bright people with very loving hearts. She is within her right to detach from her mother's never ending cruelty and dysfunction. Be careful that, in your pain, you don't judge others to harshly.
Cattails.
Hugs across the miles to you ....
Admittedly, this is a long one. But I'd bet it's one of the most extraordinary and healing threads here. And there is wisdom on every comment page.
I'm fine to let the easily offended be easily offended, personally. I'm grateful to Lisa for starting the thread, for following her inner wisdom, where ever it came from, and for the community of people who are supporting her, and each other, here. It takes a village, an our virtual village works best when we offer our love and support and tips, and skip past "you should believe in the god I believe in."
Sending love love love....
I think that if you want to exchange thoughts on your own situation, and your regrets, etc., you'll do best by starting your own thread. This is not intended as a criticism. You are new here, and I'm trying to be helpful.
And, you certainly are trying to tell Lisa what to do -- you are telling her to pray. You are entitled to make that suggestion. All of us are entitled to make suggestions. If Lisa were weak enough to try to act on everyone's suggestions she'd be crazy within two days! Asking what other people think is not the same as running a popularity contest for ideas. Sometimes hearing a different perspective, even one we don't agree with and won't act on, can stimulate our own thought processes.
And when we've been abused, it is very, very nice to hear some validations and good wishes.
It's nice to be able to call on a higher power for strength and guidance....but I've know too many people who sit on their couch watching tv while expecting God to solve their problems because they asked him to. It's a team effort, and we all create our own teams. If nothing else....before going on about religious-oriented suggestions....maybe ASK if the person even shares your faith before delivering a sermon. I think it is possible for us to message each other privately, so maybe topics like that could be shared via private messages.
The "kick ass girls" have a strong bond and have been very proactive and results oriented so far and maybe the challenge was that sjtruex was just new to the group.....but by the time I finished reading the subsequent messages, I was put off and offended. Thought it was particularly ironic that she was offended. Could be, tho, that I'm oversensitive to religious stuff, so let me know if I'm overreacting.
sjtruex has some challenges and, like with bookworm, it might be very helpful to creates a separate thread to work through some of the emotional issues. That would give an opportunity for folks to join her discussion and work on healing.
by the way, we are not under attack....so don't worry. I envision us shoulder to shoulder and when things get bumpy....it's the other person that best be watchin' out. Our resume of 608 posts speaks volumes of what the K A Girls are made of ---we are standing strong.
@sitruex, please understand that when you come in too strong about God or Religion, it can turn off lots of people immediately. I used to be very strong in my religion. I've learned subtlety when it comes to God. You cannot approach a person, and whack them wholeheartedly about God and how loving He is and How He can Help you in your Life and expect people to open their arms wholeheartedly back. Yes, God has helped you. But I bet, you had to reach rock-bottom to turn to Him. But not all people react that way. Some, like me and Lisa and others, do not turn to God. I KNOW what God would have liked me to do. But like Lisa said, when you hit rock-bottom, you need the NOW advice by other people who have gone through and are currently going through the same thing. If you really read all the posts, you will see that some commentors mentioned God. But they don't hit you on the head with it. And I really, really appreciate it. I'm Not Agnostic. I just have my own problems with God and this is between me and Him. If I wanted advice on my relationship with Him, I will go back to my religion...which I really rather not.
When I read the beginning of your comments, I got so totally turned off, I skipped it. If you truly want to help someone with their relationship with God, please, please read their comments first. Then approach it SOFTLY and see how they respond. If they don't reciprocate about God, then drop it. They're not yet ready to accept God in their life Prominently like you have. Give us space to waffle in life and find our own way out of the rock-bottomw dark hole. May I say one more thing, if you do open your thread, I will read it but can you please tone down the religion, part? Remember, approach Softly! I'm sorry about your mom. You take care!
Lisa, I understand how you feel. You go enjoy your family.
I wonder if the case worker could figure this out on her own... just a suggestion... after your mom complains you didn't run to get her food, surely the caseworker will see it for what it is.... manipulation... if not,, it's still not your problem..... your mom really will figure out how to eat, she probably was munching on chips while talking to you.... hussy.... and just because she said she wasn't going to go by groceries by herself, doesn't make it your job... let them send someone with her, or delegate someone to pick them up for her... You will not get in trouble...... do not let your fear of the system rule you.... others will have suggestions also... but stay strong... and again, let your NO mean No... hugs across the miles to you.....
I think you need to go cold turkey, lady. No coaching the social worker. No delivering snacks. No telephone discussions. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. She has the means to solve this herself. She is not suffering. You are not a cruel daughter. And this time you are not a gullible blackmail victim. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Mother will get on the bus Wednesday or she won't. The social worker will remind her or she won't. She will walk to Kroger or she won't. She will do without extra between-meal food for a few days or she'll figure out how to get some. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
You have worked so hard to make this not be your problem. Don't backslide now!
I agree with Rebecca that Mother sounds like she needs drama. Let her find it elsewhere. You just gave up your Equity card and your thespian career is over.
If it were me, I'd call the social worker at your mom's place tomorrow morning and tell her that you are getting calls from your mom to take her shopping. Explain that, although it may seen harsh to her (social worker), you do not plan to have contact with your mom in the future (if that's the case) and her care is centered around what their facility has to do to get her on track with their schedule of shopping, etc. In addition, tell your mom that if she is having a problem or needs something, she needs to contact the social worker at the facility.
This is going to go on for a while and I totally agree with Rebecca that your mom needs the drama. Let her create the drama with the facility and not with you. Stay out of it and let her make her own way.
Understand that your mom will do her best to get even with you. That's who she is and that's why she's not living with your anymore. So stand your ground and stand by for the blast back. It will come and you will have to deal with it. After this happens a couple of times, your mom may get it through her thick skull that you are really seriously done with her.
Just my thoughts. Feel free to modify where necessary. Love Ya, Cattails.
You just have to say NO.
My dad has my sisters on the string for bringing him items each week...for awhile we had a social worker do his shopping, but then he started having them get several bottles of wine etc, so sisters started shopping again. He'll call and say he's out of something, when he really isn't...I think he just wants to see if he can get anyone to care, because if they come a runnin', he feels important---it gives him stimulation. Sisters have finally realized all this and have put the shopping back on the social worker. If he complains to us that he's out of something, we tell him he'd better tell the social worker. If it is for something that he really does need, my sis will drive to the nursing home and drop it off at the front desk.
As for MOM having a need for drama.....I reprise my role as the pointer outer of ADHD characteristics.....Lack of stimulation brings conflicts such as these to provide a way for her to get her kick. Lisa....I hope you won't be offended when I suggest that if this were my Dad, I too would call an administrator at the facility, but instead of saying that mom/dad is having trouble acclimating, maybe consider saying exactly what is happening --that she is trying to create drama by pulling the daughter back into the setting and that she simple refuses to take that spot back. If you say she's having trouble adjusting, that is candy coating and will only serve to cause more problems. The reality is that my dad and your mom are paying these staffs to take care of them. The notion that YOU should be called when $$ is going to their staff is just crazy. Reminds me of my dad running out of milk when he was in assisted living 25 miles from our hometown. Instead of asking the gal on duty if she could bring him some mild for bed, he called my sister, 25 miles away and asked if she could bring the mild! It's not just about the items needed, it's more about him trying to continue the illusion that they are able to control you. Youn can tell the administrator THAT....Tread carefully. We're here for you.. .
Reminds me of my dad running out of milk when he was in assisted living 25 miles from our hometown. Instead of asking the gal on duty if she could bring him some MILK for bedtime, he called my sister, 25 miles away and asked if she could bring the MILK! It's not just about the items needed, it's more about THEM trying to continue the illusion that THEY are able to control US. You can tell the administrator THAT....and that you aren't going to play ball.
HOW IS THE REDECORATING OF THE BEDROOM COMING? Reclaiming that space as your own will feel so so good. We want details.