My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I loved your idea of spending a little more time with your MIL and FIL. Summer evening BBQ's and evening board games. Relaxing time and the simple pleasures of just being together and connecting.
If you get involved in volunteering, it might be wise to keep that to yourself and not let MIL know. It will probably cause her some anxiety in view of family concerns regarding her memory, etc.
I'm really happy that Doug is making calls to Jane. Hope that gets the ball rolling. In the meantime, keeping your distance from her becomes easier and easier.
Sending you lots of hugs and love, Cattails
should reconize that your mother is drug seeking. If you were the POA and you made the appts for her and were responsible for her drugs you might have something to worry about but you have back up. I know you stated Doug cannot change his phone # but what about you changing your cell and have all the house calls forwarded to Doug's cell. (Can you have #'s blocked). I fell for you. We have residents here at our NH that cheek their meds to avoid taking them or saving them for later. Have you called Doug?
Wow, I wonder how many years you can get for that; especially now that you know there is a written letter from her pain management doctor accusing her of abusing her use of prescriptions and essentially hoarding pills or taking more than prescribed.
I know you are upset right now, but try to see this objectively. The DEA has bigger fish to fry than you. It's not like you stole your mom's pain meds and then sold them on the street. The reality of the situation is that your story is corroborated by the letter from her pain management doctor.
I'm sure your mom is royally pissed off right now. She got caught scamming the system and now she's having a hard time getting a drug supplier. She can call one of her other doctors and explain and eventually things will get worked out for her. In the meantime, she can take tylenol.
I'm sure your mom will call the DEA. Maybe she'll call the police too. She'd call the President if she could get through. She'd feed you to the wolves if she had some and could tell them how to get to your home. She'd run over you if she had a car. NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, except you may (and I restate May) have to explain to one more person that your mother is a crazy, out-of-control, sociopath and a royal bitch with a long history of abuse.
You have so many witnesses to this that you need a program to keep all the witnesses straight. Why don't you keep a notebook of the problems that come up and all the people who witness them.
Who in the world do you think people are going to believe; you and Doug or your crazy, foul mouthed mother? They are going to believe you.
I think you have to look at your mom as some people have to look at various illnesses. Some illnesses have cures and some are chronic and have to be continually managed. You mom is a chronic problem. Just when you think you are rid of her, cured of having to see or hear from her, she blows through the phone lines and disrupts your life with her threats and hate. This will continue. She's a chronic pain in the ass. Your job is to manage the affect on you that her outbursts and hatefulness bring about. Don't respond and don't let her scare the crap out of you. She has no power and you did nothing wrong.
Start breathing, deep breaths. Things will be ok. It's just another chronic intrusion by DQ. Sending you love and hopefully comfort.
Hugs, Cattails
Lisa: Do you really need Doug to protect you from your mom's phone calls? I can see him taking the lead on Jane, but those phone calls can't hurt you if you don't let them.
Also, I think you are right, she lets it rip when she leaves you a message and you should be keeping every one of those messages. The one benefit to her calling you and leaving a message is that you always get a head's up on what's coming next. Just gives you a heads up. That way you won't get all panicked if a police officer calls you out of the blue and wants to talk about your mom's pill issue. I know you are not laughing, but I guess I am. Calling the DEA on you. For crying out loud, the goofy old broad. Bring it on. More fodder for the funny farm.
One thing you could do is check into a restraining order. They can cover phone calls too. Then when she violates it, you can call the cops on her. There are pros and cons, for example, if you did (for some reason) want to see your mom, I don't know if that would be a violation. You can find out if you want to pursue that avenue.
Keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails
The important thing is that you see it and can also see that you are no longer the child at her mercy. Her threats are empty now. She can't touch you physically, she can only mess with your mind. Make those revolting threats. Screw her. She is no longer the mother who you were forced to depend on.
I would much rather see you get some counselling than volunteer at a nursing home. You need to talk to a professional who understands PTSD, nothing less. You are a survivor and you are a big ass woman. Doesn't mean you don't need a little more help to heal. That's not the same as being protected.
I'm glad you explained what your mom's words and the violence behind them made you feel. At least you know what it is. Get some help to better your response or just to understand it, see it and live with it. You can do this and you may be able to help others who are stricken with these flashbacks. Do it for you first and then share with others.
You are an amazing person. Hold your ground and don't think for a minute that she can hurt you anymore. It's all a mind game now. You can win this.
Hugs, Cattails
Concentrate on you, as the others have said, work on healing from all the garbage you have gone through, and will still be going through to some extent, as it won't end till she does, and sometimes I wonder about then.
It is OK for you admit you have panicked and freaked out - no one thinks any the less of you - we are amazed at how well you bounce back, but, nonetheless, I know it takes a toll on you.
The older I get the more I see how much my life has been affected.
Many ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) and much love
Joan
L
My heart goes out to you about your fears today.... I recently had a run in with a family memeber..... I was a wreck for a few hours... all those old feelings, being unworthy of love, being the scapegoat, ect... I cried like the child that I was back then... so I totally understand... am sending you a sister friend hugs...
And as far as you volunteering in a NH, the positive there is you may come in contact with a really sweet wonderful old lady who needs a friend... I know that S is one of the sweetest men I have ever known in my life... and I know he was put in my life to help me heal behind my own father.... I get to see and experiance a man that is humble, gracious, loving, giving and has a great sense of humor... He has Alz Lisa, in the latter stages, and everything I've been told about him, he was like this before Alz started destroying his brain... so I'm not against you volunteering, it may be very theraputic for you.... I know I have come a long way with S in my life.... something to think about... my heart hurts for you.... but am so proud of how aware you are, and so determined to get your life back... it took many years for this amount of damage to your spirit and soul, it will just take time to heal.... you are still doing awesome,,, this is not a straight road you are on, it has twists and turns and back steps..... but you are on the journey.... and you are right... YOU WIN...... hugs by the bucket full for you.... keep on keepin' on...
First of all.....When we move out of our parent's home and take on our own lives, we are NOT responsible for them. I always had a hard time understanding who anyone could EVER make that assumption. Even at the nursing home where my dad is, the people *try* to make us think that we are, but they are just trying to make their *OWN* jobs easier.
Re fleas on dogs: we had a mild winter so the insects didn't die back like they usually do...mosquitoes too.
Re yoga/mediation or ?: You already have dogs. Research has shown that spending quality time with your dog....patting it, talking to it, etc lowers your heart rate and makes folks more calm. THAT is my preferred method of therapy! (I have 7 dogs and our farm is called Smiling Dog Acres!!)
Way back when you took mom to the drugstore and doug stayed with Jane, I don't understand why you took her by yourself.....
Also, if Jane is not getting things done fast enough, and in my opinion, she should have been done a couple weeks ago...AND since she is trying to play family reuniters instead of honoring your wishes, I would consider going over her head to her supervisor and/or a representative of the agency that licenses the facility where MOM is living and share you concerns that tasks are not being done in a timely manner AND you and Doug continue to be called and involved in the daily issues when you have repeatedly and CLEARLY told Jane NOT to do so.
An aside....when you were describing your dogs, you mentioned the concrete lady in Indiana...I'm in IL and would love to know where that is! I know of one over by Waynesville IN, but since you are in KY, I"m betting there is a different one further south. Hope I don't seem disrespectful for asking this in the middle of the thread. Think of it as a commercial break for our story!
Finally, I only know how this works with verizon, but if you get an online account, you are able to block calls to your cell phone. They call be blocked for days or permanantly, or you can go to the website, block the call for a few hours and then go back and remove the block so YOU have control over whether or not your mom or Jane can call you.
Hang in there. It's good to have mom totally off the drugs so folks can see her true state. Unfortuneately, it will likely mena even more drama...but it also might set the stage for commitment....
I can tell I'm a bit wound up after sitting here and reading all this. i'm going for a short walk to calm down. You all stay cool and make sure your pets have plenty of cool clean water on this brutally hot day. Better yet, bring them inside with you and let them help calm you! :)
At this point, I am going to strongly recommend that you have no further contact with your mom. I say this for your own protection. If she wants to leave hateful messages that's fine and you should save them. Just don't answer her calls or be sucked into doing anything with her or for her.
If the nephew returns and she loses money to him. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If your mom goes through with the legal guardian thing, she will then have a legal representative to whom she will tell all kinds of stories and hateful lies. From this day on, you stay out of the picture completely.
Save and document messages from your mom and document conversations with Jane. That's the total of your involvement.
You have your in-laws and your precious Aunt Rae to love and spend time with, not to mention your immediate family.
Enjoy your life and all the wonderful blessing it brings you.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
I just wanted to commend you all, as someone who just spent the whole day reading this :) for how you all did it and pulled together (guess I'm starting to sound redundant) and stood by each other in this thread.
Thanks for the info on Concrete Lady...I can't wait to have time to look at all the statues! You all take care and stay cool! xo
together. Book and screenplay for sure! Seriously. Luv u all