My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
It touches me deeply that she called you and bless your sweet FIL. Have a wonderful Birthday celebration today.
Sending you love and prayers. Cattails
Sometimes in life, it seems that we just deal with one thing, and another gets thrown at us.
I took a deep breath when I read about you getting the news of your fil's best friend dying. That combined with fil's, and mil's health issues is a lot to take in. It reminded me of a 5 year period when we had 20 deaths of friends, and family - too many of them young, and many trips to funerals. It started with my ex's sister committing suicide at the age of 33. The next year we had back-to-back, two young teens killing themselves at New Year's, and it all went downhill from there. A few years later, my youngest (who since has joined them) told me, at the tender age of 13, "Mum, I have my funeral outfit ready for the next one." It became part of our lifestyle. My marriage broke up in the middle of those 5 years. I am glad that you and Doug are so solid, and that his family will gather round. You need one another's support going through such times.
I was going to comment on "time alone", and you mentioned that you needed it. For years, I didn't need much time alone - working, studying, having 4 kids, managng a household of six and sometimes extras, I grabbed a little solitude here and there, and it was enough. As the number of losses (of people) mounted, I found I needed more, and when my Gordie died, I became a virtual hermit. There was just too much that had to be processed in my heart, and mind, and I needed the time alone to do that, and I still do - much more than I did before. For the first few years, I found it hard to be in large groups, especially relative strangers, as I coudn't concentrate on the conversation, and interactions. I remember the birthday party of one of my grandkids, a few years after Gordie died, when, for a while, I was able to break out of this. One kid batted a balloon at me, so I batted it back, and soon all the kids were batting balloons at me, and I was doing a decent job of fielding them all for a while, and we laughed. It was fun. Having fun is important in all of this, and you, and your family are great at that. Don't be shy to give yourself time alone, either, if you need it. Even if you are not consciously thinking about what is going on, it takes us a while to process the information about illnesses, and deaths of people who are close. One afternoon, during those 5 years, I was playing computer games, and found myself crying for 3 uncles and 2 cousins. Of all of them, because of the distances involved, I could get to only one funeral, and, that afternoon, I couldn't dististinguish my grief for one over another. I missed them all. You are going through a loss of types with separating from your mother (again) having opened you heart, and home to her a couple of years ago. Breaking bonds with a mother is not a small thing. Now you are looking at going through some hard times with your fil, and mil. These are people you love, and who have stood by you. What affects them will affect Doug, and other famly members. A lot is happening to people who are very significant in your life - good and bad. Give yourself what you need, to get through all of this - and if some of that is time alone, then take it. As well, you have a very demanding, and sometimes, very difficult, job. It is a lot, Lisa. Take care of you, and even treat you, taking time just for yourself to do something good for you - get a manicure, a pedicure, a massage, a candle-lit, scented, bubble bath, whatever would make you feel special, for you are. Always remember, Lisa, that you are special, in a very good way.
And for the Kick (Kiss lol) Ass Girls, you all are special too. :)
Hope everyone is having some fun, and lots of treats today.
Love and hugs ♥♥♥
Joan
Lisa: Would love to see a video of Doug's birthday dance. You have a wonderful family to share life's journey with. I'm so happy that you are surrounded by so much love. Keeping your FIL & MIL in my prayers.
Hugs, Cattails
Emjo, we too have been thru so many deaths in the last 3 years. I'm so sorry about your Gordy. And for you to have so much love in your heart to visit with us daily sharing your life, your wisdom. You touch so many lives. What a remarkable gift you give while dealing with so much sadness and stress from mom and sis.
I hope everyone has a great day today! And know everyone here at my home are sending tons of love to each of you!!! Lisa
My Gordie left a legacy. I posted the words below on a grief board a few years ago. A classmate of Gordie's told me she would never have made it through college if Gordie hadn't paid for her books. Don't get me wrong. He was no saint. He was a young man who had his ups and downs, but, he also was a generous and loving person. That is what remains.in my heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This poem has been very special for me as it reminds me of my Gordie's generous nature.
Friday was Gordie's 30th birthday,- and this past week I took to heart the meaning of the poem, and gave away lots of love, particularly to my students. The response was so good - I got an "I love you", smiles and smiles and smiles, lots of good feelings, students sharing their lives with me, and the cherry on the top was a sweet, and very cute young man showing me quite clearly, but very nicely and properly that he had a crush on me. Oh, to be 50 years younger!
My Gordie - this is for you...
Now that I’m gone,
remember me with a smile and laughter.
And if you need to cry,
cry with your brother or sister
Who walks in grief beside you.
And when you need me,
put your arms around anyone
and give to them
what you need to give to me.
There are so many
who need so much.
I want to leave you something.
Something much better
than words or sounds.
Look for me
in the people
I’ve known and loved or helped
in some special way.
Let me live in your heart
as well as your mind.
You can love me most
by letting your love
reach out to our loved ones.
By embracing them
and living in their love.
Love does not die,
people do.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
give me away as best you can.
author unknown
All my love
Mum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
cat - the sadness was there long before I had Gordie. It has been there since childhood. With Gordie, now, what is most constant, is the missing. It is hard to share with some one who hasn't, what losing a child is like. Yes, your life is changed for ever - you are changed for ever. Newer theories of grief talk about the changed relationship, not the ended relationship with your loved one. It works for me. I know without a doubt where my Gordie is, and that I will see him again, and I look forward to that day.
you are doing nothing wrong by controling her meds.
i know, cuz my mom has the same issues with pain meds,
don't feel guilty, just keep doing what you are doing!
then she can see how nice she had it!
pray FIL will do well w tx and have best possible outcome w zero to minimal side effects. Lisa just as you wish you could shield your childrenfrom life's harsh realities, we too wish you did not have so much to endure. You certainly have an unrelenting spirit of grace and love and class. You continue to inspire us! Do something special for yourself today. As always, we kick-ass girls are in your corner, sending love and hugs, white light, energy and prayers from around the country (and world, it seems!). :-) Lisa, you are amazing!
Lisa, do you know anymore about his cancer. You said bone cancer, but where in his body? Do you know how it came to be diagnosed. Was he having pain in his leg, back or what?
I feel so badly for them. Sending prayers to all. Love, Cattails
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for them both, no matter how great the needs. Comedies were a good plan to, I'm sure they needed some diversion-even if they didn't laugh, or it didn't hold their attention, being together and having a semblance of normalcy surely was needed. Verbal reassurances that you all are in this together, and that you will be there for them every step of the way, address the underlying fears, even if the poo-poo what yo say, it WILL be helpful. No, you can't change cancer, but you can go through it w them being a solid rock in the face of awful uncertainty. We reminded my FIL often, especially when fearful or upset (he had dementia) that he was safe with us, that we loved him and are we were there for him, for anything he might need. We also reassure my mom this way, regularly. It seems very comforting for the giant fear factor that comes with dementia. So, don't try to stop the tears, but give frequent support and love. Quietly, try to keep a mental note of when bills should be paid and keep track of if it got done. Maybe offer to help set up auto bill pay service w the bank, if u think they'd consider that. Then it wouldn't matter if she doesn't matter if she's pre-occupied, and duplicate payments wouldn't be made. Get some "one less thing to do" strategies in place, as you are able. (Glad you're on the meals.) I know they are glad to have the support of your amazing family-all the time-but even more so now. We love you and hold you all close in our prayers.
I
Odds and quality of life may be the issue here.
After reading your thread earlier today, before your post, I tried to imagine how I would feel if it was my husband who received a bone cancer diagnosis. He's a healthy guy; the one whose blood pressure is always 120/70. In the last 4 months he's had two bouts with diverticulitis and it has really scared me. I feel so bad because I don't know why (medically not philosophically) this has happened to him and it can be serious. For the past year, my dad has been the focus and it has totally screwed up the way we live, exercise and eat. Add that to the 6 years previous and I know we have paid a price in stress, both physically and emotionally.
So I am thinking about your PIL and I would be so grief stricken and afraid if I were in her shoes. I would be afraid of losing my husband. The one person who has shared by history and knows me better than anyone. The other thing I would be afraid of is seeing him suffer; chemo, radiation, hospitalizations, nausea, weight loss, low blood counts, infections. Maybe I just know more than your MIL so I am coming at it from my perspective, but your FIL is an elderly man and it won't be easy.
You are a planner, maybe an anticipater, like me. I look ahead and see the possibilities. Doug will have a consult with the doctor...is it this Tuesday? Is this an oncologist he and your SIL are meeting with? Tell Doug that he needs to insist that he is fully informed as to the type(s) of cancer your FIL has and what protocol they follow for treatment. Here's where my mind takes me: (1) How advanced and what are the odds of survival. (2) What protocol do they use, meaning treatment. (3) Where to they get their direction on protocol? For example is it just the common treatment or is it vetted by the experts in the field. (4) Are there cancer centers that have more background and success in treating someone like your FIL. (5) If so, can they refer you and let the experts determine the protocol and then have it carried out locally?
I do think you have an important role to play. Get your MIL out of the house for lunch or shopping. You don't have to ask her any questions, just be there to put your arm around her when you are walking together. She will feel the love and if she opens up, just listen and tell her how she is the mom you never had and how much you love her. Doug might want to do the same with his dad. That one on one time is a break and talking is not so difficult when you don't have to worry about the feelings of so many who are listening. Your FIL may want to talk to Doug about his personal fears and thoughts about quality of life vs treatment. He may also want to say that he is worried about mom and what will happen to her. He may want to share what his choices are for end of life issues. He may not be able to say all of this to his wife or want her to carry those wishes out without support. These are conversations that they need to bring up and it's easier done on a one on one basis.
I DON'T think your PIL are in denial. I think they just haven't shared all they know. There is a reason for that and eventually it will come to the surface. Follow their lead on the emotional issues and research all you can on the clinical issues.
What you want is the best outcome. If a life can't be saved, there is palliative care that can improve life by keeping the patient as healthy as possible for as long as possible. This is just not the old palliative care that just dealt with pain control. It's a new concept now and it does the least hurtful treatment to stave off death while doing the most to make the patient feel well.
I listened to a great program a while back on NPR. It dealt with a woman who has a terminal form of cancer. She chose not to do the typical treatment in order to buy a little time. Instead she went with the palliative care and it is amazing how well she has done and continues to do. I will go back and find that program and send you the info so you can listen to it.
I have confidence in you. The more truth you learn, the more grounded your direction will be.
Love and Hugs, Cattails