My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Take one day at a time, dear Lisa.
We have already requested she be evaluated for dementia. They had already asked us if she had been diagnosed because of the severity of her behavior. We told them everything. How she refused to see a dr and her anger when brought up. And that all of our fears were she would be released without being tested. So we will be there this morning to speak with dr. Girls, when you want something done, talk to the nurse. My sil has the list of what this guy has told us to ask for. I wish I would have copied it. One of them was what I read on the ALZ website. Just can't think of the name of it at this moment.
Thank you so much for your love, support and prayers. I'm going to share with everyone what you have told me here. I want them to feel the hope you've given me. Her mental decline is so surreal. The nurse did tell us yesterday that when a sr with dementia taken out of their comfort zone it will sometimes escalate. I'll be back later with updates. Love you, Lisa
Ask her to go.....when you try and try and try it does mean you fail and fail and fail. It means some problems just cannot be fixed.
We are not wonderwoman, we are sensitive human beings who like to dish out compassion and empathy but if it keeps getting slapped back in your face like a wet kipper, admit you can only solve some problems on the planet and sadly not all.
We are expected to understand and help and do all we can, but hell, you really sound to me like a nice family who has a gorgon of a Mum. Some people should never be parents....
Phone Social Services or go mad....that's the choice. Please do not let her get you even lower and destroy any self confidence you have left.
I think when kids get to 12 to 18 a mandatory class should be done in school about parenting and respect for others, particularly older people and one's children of the future, it is more important than any chem or physics class....
I had the proverbial wicked stepmother from hell, she sent me to her wedding with no knickers on at age of 8, she made me drink squash with fat blue bottles in it. She forced me to eat porridge which I still cannot touch, and even when I said I would be sick if I continued. She made me continue and sit there until I threw up into a dish, then made me eat it again. She made me sit so I would deliberately be late for school.....it is an endless list.
BUT SHE DID NOT WIN!
Experiences of horror like you are going through CAN be overcome, I did it and you can too. It gave me nightmares for years after I ran away at 16. I could not walk past her without ducking slaps to the head, I was a nervous wreck.
SMILE AT HER AND TELL HER SHE WILL NOT WIN AND GET YOU DOWN AS YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON!
And that is where things stand now.
He was in the hospital, first go around, for a hip replacement in Oct. of 11.....This was my first experience with the term known as sundowners syndrome. He was so disoriented n confused, that i didnt recognize him as the dad i knew. Then, his behavior became extremely violent n aggressive to the point that he had to b restrained. He would say terrible things to me n mom, n i remember being so distraught, thinking that he would never b the same. I asked the dr, wat meds they had put him on, thinking that it was the drugs that may have been causing his behavior change. They told me they had given him Adivan, for anxiety, n a drug called Diluadid (spelling??) for pain....With agreement from his dr...we took him off the diluadid, n put him on a lesser pain med. He seemed much better after they made the change, but the sundowners continued...which i understand is very common in many patients who r hospitalized. I remember coming to see him one morning, n his arms were black n blue from the restraints. He had no recollection of the event.. I, on the other hand, was devastated. He was sent home with a prescription for Norco, another pain med. I noticed, that wen i gave him his dose, he would display similar behaviors of aggression. I called the dr...n said..."I'm not giving dad this med anymore. It's not safe for him or others around him." Dad ended up not taking anything stronger than Tylenol, bcuz he jst didnt feel he needed anything stronger. Between the months of Oct. n March..dad dislocated that hip replacement 6 times. Every time requiring ambulance transport to the hospital to do wat is called a reduction. At the time, i didnt realize that the ER was giving him dilaudid for the pain before reducing the hip back in place....once again....extreme confusion n agression returned. I finally told the ER staff, whom i got to kno on a first name basis, bcuz we were there every 10-15 days, that dad was not to have this drug, under any circumstance......Then comes the end of March, n the decision was made to put in a constrained hip, which is basically scewed directly into his pelvis, so that he would not dislocate. That hospital stay was the most difficult to witness. My sister flew in from Colorado to b with me, bcuz i was so scared to go thru another surgery without much support. Once again....dad shows severe signs of sundowners n extreme aggression. My poor sister didnt expect any of this, bcuz she had not witnessed him in that state before. I felt bad for her, bcuz dads aggression was directed towards her...He would say awful things to her, n i would jst do my best to diffuse it. His face changed, his eyes changed...he look as if he was possessed. Once again...i questioned the drugs they had been giving him....this time, i was Adivan n Norco....After talking to his dr..the best course of action to take with dad was to get him home. The sundowners episodes were completely overwhelming everybody, including the nursing staff. My sister n i spent 3 nites with dad, never leaving his side, to try to help keep him calm. I guess wat im babbling about is...the drugs that dad had been given were responsible for the dramatic change in his behavior, along with being in a small, white room with different people, always coming n going. It was jst too much . Once we got dad home n settled, he returned to his normal self (his "new" normal..that is)..His medical records indicate that he cannot have Adivan or Diluadid . To this day, dad recalls nothing of his stay in that hospital, although he recently awoke from a nitemare where he remembers kicking a nurse...which he did...n he was very upset about it for days, but we got thru it.
I dont kno if mil behavior change could b caused from the meds they have her on, but it is worth looking into, but i've also learned that, sundowners alone, can completely change a persons personality. I dont kno if this is of any help, but i jst thought i'd share my experience with u...My thoughts n prayers r with u Lisa...
Cat
We are all so sad that this is happening.... but at least the dementia is being addressed so one less thing to worry about on her return home....
Are the Dr's giving you any time line for her return???? And how is Doug and your FIL doing with all this... Doug must be devestated to see his mom like that.... tell him we are sending hugs and prayers for him too.... keep us updated...
You all have been going through so much these days. Hope fil is holding out, and his chemo has been successful.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) and prayers for everyone This agng business is no fun - not for sissies as Bette Davis said, and thanks for the update - keep 'em coming!
Thanks for confirming the neurologist for us. I've called sil's and told them.
Cat!!! How is dad doing? Any changes. I've thought of you often the past 2 days. All my prayers I've included your family. Love to all of you my dear friends!
Kimbee: Thanks for citing me as the leader of blue tights and tuna cans. That may well be the highlight of my life, if only because I have met such wonderful women here and if my crazy jokes made you laugh, then my heart is truly happy.
Judy, you are just my soul sister nut case. I love you to bits too.
Regarding my dad, he is between two worlds. One of my brothers arrive tomorrow to see him. My sister will not be coming. My other brother may come later in the week. I am so tired. I can't be a peace until my dad is.
Lisa, I want to say that you should not look at my dad's situation and weave it into yours. My dad is not going to get better, his situation will only get worse. In some respect, the same is true of Mary, but I just hope you have more good time,
My heart breaks for you and it breaks for me too, I hope you will have more time with Mary and that her cognitive skills will improve. I want you to have that chance to talk to her and reach her. I am so sad for those who are old and their lives are coming to an end. That's where my dad is now and I just don't want him to suffer a long demise.
We are all struggling with these issues. Doing our best to keep them safe and secure, both mentally and physically. I have spent much more time thinking about how I will die and how I will have to take that journey alone. It's what I am seeing now and understanding in a much more personal way. It's something we all have to face.
No answers, but just my thoughts at this time. Love you all and so blessed to have you as friends. The very best of friends.
Love Cat...