My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
As you may know, my brothers came to see my dad 2 weeks before he passed. He was so happy to have them with him. My sister, however, did not come. She didn't come when my mom was dying either.
My sister is someone who is open to visitations. She felt my mom connected with her. Maybe she will hear from my dad too. She was very special to them.
Hugs, Cat
I had the freezing, frigid cold from within feeling the night he died, and sandwiched between that and the man in the window, this happened. Soon after he had died, maybe two weeks or so, I was sitting in our living room where we used to live. We had these upholstered chairs that swiveled and I was chatting on the phone with my daughter this one evening, and of all things, we were talking about my mother. No one was home and the house was very quiet, and as I was sitting there, I became aware of something hitting the back of the chair. Like it had been lightly 'punched.' I hadn't given it much thought. Our golden retriever was there, so I subconsciously thought she had walked behind the chair and bumped it. I was still carrying on the conversation and I was re-thinking the bump I felt, so I swiveled the chair around to see if it was our dog, and there she was, sound asleep on the floor under the dining room table, a whole room away. So--what hit the back of the chair? It was enough to feel it and slightly 'move' the chair. I don't mind telling you, I was kind of freaked out about that--it kind of scared me because I sensed a negative kind of energy after that. Was he upset with me that I was talking about my mother? He certainly was no big 'fan' of hers, so it was puzzling...and it was soon after he died. The only thing I can think was that the matching chair next to it was where I can remember sitting one day and I was alone in the house and I was crying for him--but it was one time when I really let it out. Ever notice how you stifle crying? I know I do, but this one day I cried like a child. Wailed, grieved and cried as loudly as I felt like it. I never cry like that. I wondered if he had been there with me that day and knew it, crying and talking to him like that, saying "oh daddy, daddy" over and over again. I never did that before or ever again, just that one time. Ironically, on the day of my father's funeral, we learned of the death of a very dear neighbor who lived directly across the street from us. There was, as I said, a feeling of alot of energy surrounding us during that period of time. It's so apparent, it is palpable. But the chair incident was no less bizarre as the outline in the window except that was unmistakeable. That was undeniably a "vision."
Then there was what I was sure was an 'out of body' experience I had during the night. I tried to read up on these things, since I had heard about them and it was so intriguing to me. I can't call it a dream, because I've had other fleeting dreams of him, but this was totally different, and Cat, I can tell you, if you ever have this experience, don't let it upset you, because initially it did me, and it was because of the content of this experience I had with him. I was meeting him on a street and waiting for him, and then, there he was. I was thrilled, but he was very standoff-ish to me. I was questioning him and I wasn't alone, someone else was there with me, not sure if it was my mother or not, but we were grilling him. I went to kiss him but he was not even like my father, more like a stranger. I asked him how he was doing and he told me he was 'very busy.' I asked him again what it was like for him, what was he doing and he held up a hand and said that he was working with Michael the Archangel and he couldn't stay with me very long. He also mentioned doing the work of a particular kind of church. (I never even heard of the name of that church he mentioned before. It began with the letter "C" and I can't remember now what it was-I want to say 'charismatic' but that wasn't it.) I ran that church word by a few people back then and no one knew what I was talking about. Probably why I forgot the word.) It felt like he was on "leave" from his post and that he had to return quickly, didn't have alot of time away. He wanted to walk away from me and go back to wherever with Michael presumably and I wanted to hug him and kiss him--so I went to hug him, which he allowed me to do, but he did not even hug me back. I was confused and kind of feeling hurt, after all I was his daughter that I knew he adored. When I got up that day I could still feel that I had hugged him.
I wanted so much to keep him there and talk to him, but it was so clear at that moment that he was no longer of the earth and he had much, much bigger and more important things to do than anything of an earthly nature, including me. He really wasn't like my dad anymore, he belonged to heaven. And I understood and felt kind of peaceful after this experience because I knew he had really fully passed on and was so content now. This was a man who positively thrived on hard physical work and that experience stayed with me and still stays with me because I knew how my father hated to be idle and when God took him home, he immediately knew he had a true soldier return.
If others have these experiences, please do let me hear them. I know I am not the only one who can attest to these events--and Cat, I'd be really interested to hear what your sister has to say. I won't be surprised in the least if he wants to finish some business with her. You know, we stayed in that room with him from morning until late afternoon, all of us, only leaving individually to go to the bathroom or eat or whatever when he was unconscious and some part of me kept thinking he might bounce back since he had done that SO many times before. His home health aide was with us that whole day, and when she said "I'll stay with him, go...all of you...have dinner" we said ''ok'' and don't you know, that was when he died, when ALL of us left the room. I never went back into that room to see him. The next time I did was at his viewing. We must really have had unfinished business. That last experience was the last one I ever had. Except of course, those weird days waking up in tears for no apparent reason!
Much love--thanks for letting me share these experiences with all you sweet people. Though we will probably never meet, I feel a real closeness to all of you!
PJ
Bewithusjesus: thank you so much for your kind words. And for reading every post. We would love to hear why your here on ac. So I'll pop over to check it out!
Judy: hey sista! No more phone calls bout or from DQ. Al sil came in a week early. So Doug and I have had a very relaxing weekend so far. We popped in for a couple of hours to visit with her and she told us to go. Do something together. I've got things this weekend. She told me she was more worried about Doug this weekend. And I worry too. He just can't seem to get him a good nights sleep. His 4 month checkup was this week, sugar staying high. So dr gave him a med to help him sleep. Hasn't taken it yet. So we'll see. Fil has a cold from hell. Mil tried to find her car keys and fil had to finally address the driving issue with her. not happy at all. So Doug and I went to rent some horror movies. (our fav) our 3 yr old great nephews bday party was today. Feel a little guilty cause we didn't go. But geeeze Judy. It felt so good to spend time together watching movies. Quiet and calm. So next weekend we will pick him up and take him to chuck cheese and toys r us. Mil hasn't changed her mind about heart surgery. But I gotta say, she looks so good since she is taking medications. Told us she isn't going back to anymore drs. Sigh. Wutever! Heeheehee.
Hope cats holding up ok. Can't wait to hear from her. How's your boy doing? Hope he's back to 100% now?
I am feeling sad tonight. My husband was placed in the palliative care program last week. We are waiting for a hospital bed. I think it has finally hit me that we are on a new leg of this journey, and I am mourning a little.
Quiet and calm watching horror movies? OMG! I'd be having a heart attack. Seriously, I freak out over horror movies and then I can't sleep for months. I'm a huge baby when it comes to scary. I can take gross (hell, I can probably hold sh*t in one hand and eat out of the other), but I can't take scary.
Glad mil looks better with her medications. So nice that fil addressed the driving issue with her, and it wasn't something that Doug had to do. That's so hard. Been there, done that. It wasn't pretty or easy.
Chuck e Cheese....Oh, man... I think I'd rather watch a horror movie!! Actually, the time you spend at the pizza place and Toyr R Us will mean more to the great nephew than if you had gone to his party, don't you think?
Cat is frikkin superwoman. I'm in awe. She gets a special KAW cape. Or glitter on her tuna cans. Something.
My boy goes to the gastroenterologist Monday - that's so sweet of you to remember him- thank you. My son feels better, and looks better. Well, he looks healthier, not necessarily better. He's decided to grow out his beard. OMG. He looks like a lumberjack. I'm just hoping he doesn't decide to grow it out to the ZZ Top stage. He'll be looking like one of those Duck Commander guys soon.
Glad you checked in, and you sound good. I miss you when you're not around! xx, J.
Jeanne - Just read your comment - You're in my thoughts tonight, and I wish I could give you a real hug.
So Warren has been busy the past few days. I've had my little yard projects and have been staying busy too. We finally moved back into the MBR. It's been a year since we slept in that room. And it did feel sad to be moving in there. In a way, it didn't feel like our room anymore. Felt more like my dad's room. Nevertheless, we made the move and we have both slept so much better. It felt so good to be back in our King size bed again. I think sometime in the future we will make some changes to our bedroom. Do some things to just make it different. Kind of like a new start, but for now it's fine.
Tomorrow will be a week. I miss my dad and have moments when these pangs of sadness hit me, but all in all I doing ok. I am always comforted to know that he is free of this earth and in a far better place. Those thoughts always make me happy for him.
Lisa: Glad Mary is looking better and hopefully feeling better too. Hope FIL gets over his cold.
Judy: You are never far from my thoughts.
Sending you all love and white light. Cat
Lisa, I am so glad to hear about your peaceful weekend. I know how much you needed that. Hope you can carry it into ChuckECheese, LOL! The best part was hearing that your DMiL is looking/feeling better. Good thing that you DFiL was able to discuss the driving with her. It would be horrible if Doug had to, no one wants to have a child tell them what they can and cannot do. I'm going to write myself a letter for my kids to give me for when that day comes.
Jeanne, i'm sorry to hear about your husband having to move into pallative care. i know you will still be a loving and attentive wife and caregiver no matter where he is though. i have signed up for your blog by way of facebook.
i hope everyone is having a relaxing weekend; God Bless!
Second, do use the suplus meat in their freezer for your cooking. It is a way for them to feel a little less like taking charity. They contribute the meat, sometimes, and you contribute the cooking.
This reminds me of the cooking I did for our daughter's family, when she was a newly single mother of seven (!) and in school and working. I'd make a big meal and Hubby would deliver it while I cleaned up the kitchen, then we'd eat the portion I kept back for us. Unlike your in-laws, finances were very tight for her, so I didn't use anything from her freezer, but I think it makes sense in your situation. Now this daughter is the one helping me most with her Dad.
It is nice for your inlaws to be able to eat at their own table, at their own pace, without "company" to deal with. Sending them prepared meals is ideal. Sometimes, of course, you'd like to join them or have them over. But letting them still just be a couple is very considerate. You are a wonderful blessing to them.
Lisa: It is wonderful that you take meals to your in-laws and let them share meals together as a couple in their home. When my mom was alive, I always cooked for them and delivered everything to their table. They loved that and so enjoyed eating together and watching their shows, etc.
When my mom passed, Dad would most often come here for dinner and we would play games of cribbage afterword. I look back on that with fond memories of recounting of cards and poor loser attitudes.
Hugs everyone, Cat
Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure of her plane.
Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said, "I love you, and I wish you enough."
The daughter replied, "Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough too, Dad."
They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?"
'Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?"
"I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is...the next trip back will be for my funeral," he said.
"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone..." He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting..
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye.
He then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them...but then an entire life to forget them.
Only if you wish, send this to the people you will never forget.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE...
To all my friends and loved ones,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH.
Sounds like a good dinner and a great phone call from fil to warm your heart. Well done! You're a good daughter in law.
Tell SuperDoug the cabana boy, that we'll be gentle with him if he chooses to talk with the KAW :)
Cat, he is still at home, considered home-bound, and getting services such as a lab draw here instead of going into the clinic. Palliative care is often, but not always, a step before hospice. We are waiting for a hospital bed to be delivered. I sure don't know how we are going to cram it into our bedroom, but I'll buy a single bed for me if necessary.
Thank you all for your interest.
Lisa: We know Doug has a cape, but how does he feel about blue tights. He can wear a cup. As Judy said, we will be gentle.
Seriously, it would be interesting to from his point of view. Don't know if he wants to share a lot, but we are here and we do love you both. My husband has lost both of his parents. Maybe we can hook up the guys too. Ah, I'm just blabbing, but you know what I mean. We all care.
Love you, Cat.
When my dad came home from rehab, we had a hospital bed delivered via the social worker. The mattress was basic and I feared for my dad's skin since he arrived home with an open sore on his bottom. Medicare will pay for an upgraded mattress, but they don't pay for the air adjusted mattress that is best to prevent bed soars. They will only do this if the patient has bed soars. My dad's doc did allow us hospice care and their involvement was minimal, but they did give up an air filled top mattress that gave my dad the benefit of very good comfort and preventive measures for bed soars. He never had them and was always very comfortable.
Just passing on what I have experienced. You have done that for so many years and are a blessing to so many. I learned from reading your blog. You are a teacher at heart and a beautiful role model.
Love, Cat