My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
this is your final farwell. God bless and do what you feel is best.
Lisa: Hope things go well for Ray this morning. Let us know.
Joan: I've got your back too. Hugs!!!!!
Jeanne~The service will be a beautiful tribute to your husband's life and your marriage. Sending you and your family hugs and will be thinking of you!!
Still sitiing here with ray. I was able to hook up to the dr office wifi. Whoda thunk??? They just took him back for the fourth time. called Mary to let her know dr still hasn't gotten all the cancer. Need more tissue. She proceeded to tell me how sorry she is and she hopes I'm ok. Still makes me catch my breath. It took a few minutes talking, then she remembered to ask about ray. So I just repeated what we talked about. This is so dam scary. Love to all!!!!
Leading the service? Way to go, Jeanne! You are many good things, and one of those is courageous. My prayers are with you and will continue, especially for Sunday afternoon. This is a very special time for you and for all your family. I know you will do an excellent job, as you have all along. Breaking down is OK.
diavalon -sounds like it was lovely
cat - I know and thanks :)
sharyn - this time it was the feelings triggered by G walking past me in the hotel to respond to a coworker. His company discourages partners from coming along. He had already asked his boss, who was not in favour, but G decided that we would take the chance, as his hours have been so long and we have had little time together. but play it safe, so I mostly stayed out of the way. However this happened and it brought up all the feelings of rejection I had that summer. I am glad I realised. I had my bags packed and was ready to get a room of my own before it clicked. I knew he had to do what he did, and in no way does he reject me, and I knew I was overeacting - that is the symptom - overreaction. I think what you experienced was the same kind of thing, otherwise you would be able to brush off your picky supervisor more easily. Other times, I can almost hear mother's voice, but I wouldn;t say I have ever completely relived an episode with her, though I can recall scenes. With Gordie, I get flashbacks of scenes and feelings.
Lisa, it is sad and scary. Hope ray is OK,
austin - I can imagine your emotions are all over the place. Glad no one came up saying how wonderful she was. Talking with someone may help. It was what it was, and it is what it is. You still have the experiences/memories to deal with, and the harm from her lifetime. It doesn't go away when they die. I am sorry you had such flashbacks and nightmares after your husband died.
On a light note, I had something I wanted to tell G when he was at breakfast with his team the first morning, so I wrote it in a note and asked the head waitress to give it to him. It was a compliment, so he read it and smiled (I hid behind a post and watched, and felt like a teenager). later he told me he got teased by the guys who said he had ony been there over night and someone was sending him notes already. The waitresses were intrigued, so I had to tell them and they were very friendly, and one asked if i was coming back, and made note of my name. The hostess and I talked clothes and what else but -nail pollish!!!!!
We are at my friends now, had a lovely supper - trout fillets covered with walnuts and banana!!! and a great veggie stir fry. Niagara Falls tomorrow, a "block party" Saturday, and home Sunday. Hopefully a slide show of Barbados sometme, and a game of bridge. Great having a little holiday with my man.
Love and ((((((((hugs)))))))) to all Joan
Love you, Cat
Austin, Sharyn, Joan, Lisa.... You all remind me of a picture I saw of a pretty flower growing out of a crack in a sidewalk - not a nice way to grow up, but the end result is beautiful despite it.
Lisa - how are you holding up with the fil?
cmagnum, I always tell my kids to step outside of themselves to see a situation the way someone else would. I do it to try to make them aware of other people's feelings, but you're right, it would encourage them to be objective about their own actions too, as well as being aware of how it effects others. Hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks!
Cat, sending you some love.
Cat, got your question about my avatar... its "green man". This one is supposed to be a winter version. I'm trying to be festive... but maybe not so much? A wreath better? Ugh. I have no decorations up and no real gifts bought, except for one thing for each kid's stocking. Green man is about as festive as it gets for now.
I got to the funeral home an hour early, as requested, to greet early guests (ha!) and my son-in-law and grandsons shoveled the parking lot. (The plowing service had done it an hour earlier but the lot was completely covered again.)
We got started a half-an-hour late and, of course, with a much smaller attendance than expected the day before. But the service went without a hitch and it was really very nice. Eight family members spoke about their dad/grandfather, including two who couldn't be there and had their statements read by someone else. We had 4 pieces of music. It was really very touching. I had asked a friend from my support group to be ready to take over reading if someone choked up. It was nice to have a backup plan, but it wasn't needed. There were a few pauses but everyone could carry on. We also read a nice tribute from his Mayo Clinic dementia doctor.
My sister was at my house setting out an absolutely amazing spread. We were expecting 70 to 100 people so she made food for 100. There were probably 50 to 60 at the service, and many of them headed back through the terrible weather immediately and didn't come for refreshments. Let me tell you that there is A LOT of food in my fridge this minute! And amazing platters of cookies and bars that I'll think about freezing tomorrow. (Or maybe I'll just eat them.)
I ordered 4 peace lilies and 4 Christmas cactus to decorate the service room, and then for each of the children to take home.
I went to bed before the last guest left. I was just too exhausted to stay on my feet. But after a few hours nap I'm up again nibbling. Think I'll go check how much shrimp was left ...
The funeral home has a slide show on their web site. You could search for Dignity Memorial and then enter Coy Replogle and MN to find his if you are interested. Here is the key: When he is young and with a young woman, it is his first wife. When he is old and with a young woman it is his daughter (or sometimes a granddaughter). When he is old and with an old woman, it is me!
I think I hear a brownie calling me ... gotta go now.
Before I go beanie, did you see on the news what those djs did? And the nurse committing suicide over it?
Love you all! Lisa
Good to see you back, Cat.
Lisa, did the nurse commit suicide? They were saying her death was being investigated. Did they think someone murdered her? How awful for those dj's to get a laugh at her expense. They're not laughing now. How sad.
Two weeks ago mother was evaluated at her ALF and told she could stay, and was happy about that. Yesterday she emailed me saying she was going to move, and a friend was arranging it. This friend knows a nurse who runs a small "home", I gather - (reading between the lines) where she looks after about 6 people. Mother has met the nurse and was very impressed. Apparently this nurse looked after the friend's boyfriend's wife until she died. Mother does not know where it is, or when she is moving, or much about it at all apparently, but seems to trust them. I know that Mother panicked when she knew she was going to have the evaluation, wrote me, and, no doubt told the friend - that she (mother) had no family, was going to be evaluated and put into a nursing home. I do not have contact with this friend, though have asked mother for it. I have POA, (which includes medical) but since mother is still considered competent, I do not exercise it. Mother has known this lady for many years, but has not had a close relationship with her for quite a while. (They had a bit if a run in years ago). I have offered mother help with the move and asked to be put in contact with Christine, the friend, so far without success. Of course, mother will keep control anyway she can, which includes keeping information from me. I have no idea what kind if facility it is, whether she will need much furniture etc. She has already arranged for someone to place her paintings from Haiti, and has told the ALF that she will be leaving. I am concerned as to whether this is a good move. The last time mother arranged something for herself, she was "snowed" by someone who promised good care, but did not deliver. I don't think that these people have an agenda in terms of personal gain, though I can't be sure. They certainly don't know that she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and I am sure that she has told a convincing tale about being abandoned by family, and the ALF wanting her to move out. I can check out the latter by a phone call to the manager. It may be a good move for her, as, at her age, having a registered nurse around would be good. Any time I have talked with her about a facility with more care, she has dismissed me, and basically said she would get the information herself. What concerns me is that these people have no idea what they are getting into. I know perfectly well that it will not be a bed of roses, and though mother is pleased with their help right now, she will certainly find things that displease her in short order. Even at her age she is entitled to make her own decisions, and in many ways I am not unhappy to have someone else help her with these. On the other hand, I don't want to be saddled with the fall out, if it does not meet her expectations -which, no doubt, it won't. She is in the "honeymoon" period with this friend right now, but that never lasts. She is getting her "narcissistic supply" of attention. I suppose as long as she is decently cared for, I need not be too concerned. Oh well!
Any suggestions?
jeanne -you did so well - wonderful photos - I especially liked the ones of Coy with the babies and grandbabies.
got my gift card too and haven't decided what to spend it on
Lisa -how are the pil, and your beautiful daughters? Congrats on the weight loss. No more news from the DQ I gather
(((((((hugs)))))) - hope everyone survives the up-coming holidays
check in and let us know how you are. Think I am hanging up my blue tights and tuna cans for a while, and hibernating. G left for more meetings the evening if the day we arrived - feast or famine here in terms of time together. I came home to my messy house, and must get to throwing out more stuff. If I empty out an area I will have to barricade it off, as G will fill up any available space. Could be worse. We are planning a dinner theatre experience for our Christmas thing if I can get tickets for the right day. Love to all Joan
I wish everyone a happy holiday. And if that is too much to manage this year, I wish you minimum stress and maximum calm.
Love, Jeanne
Jeanne, I wish you all blessing for this Christmas and the new year.
Love you both, Cat
Dinner theatre should be fun -The Buddy Holly Story! I will not be able to eat much, but G can tuck in. Their spread is great.
The tuna cans and blue tights are back on, moose meat is simmering on the stove, as well as a ham bone for soup. Today it is minus 15 F, and I don't want to go out. Tomorrow should be warmer.
I am pleased that I kept up with everyone sight seeing, though my gut acted up a little, but nothing that lasted. It was cold outside and inside - my friends keep their house at about 65 degrees, Brrrrr! G wants to go south in February, and I need to get my passport in order to go with him. It is one way of surviving these winters. Take care all - Love Joan