My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
Build your life. Get your independence back and enjoy your family. If your mother has a medical issue that requires a hospital stay, have her evaluated regarding her dementia and her ability to live alone.
Good luck. Cattails.
I don't think you need therapy because you had to good sense to get her out of your home and the courage to make it happen. You didn't let the "guilt" keep you from making that change.
I'm sorry you miss being loved, but don't forget that you can love yourself. You can be the parent you never had to the child who still lives inside you. You can protect yourself now and shelter yourself from abuse, just like a real parent would do for their child.
My hat is off to you. There are very few people under the cloud of a NM who have had the courage to do what you have done. Sharynmarie had some good reading suggestions for you. The best part is that you have the ability to take that information and utilize it in your life.
Best wishes, Cattails.
Take care all and stay strong!!
When my mother came to visit me in California from Chicago I needed to find out what I had on my hands, when my mother began to act out. I haven't lived with her since I was 23 years old and now I was 63 years and had all these problems with her. I thought it would have given my mother and I a chance to spend time together and being that she was 85 and I lived far away (moved to California recently) we could perhaps form a bond which was fragile as it was. Instead it was a visit from Hell. During her visit I was so perplexed as to what to do and being that I'm computer literate, I went on lone and started to research. I came across the word "Narcissistic" because I found my mother constantly wanting things of me. I realized it was always about her and her attitude was very mean spirited and unhealthy, especially for me. While she was here I wanted to see how I could handle the situation, because it was getting so out of hand that I was ready to put her on the plane, but as soon as I said: "Mom, would you like to go home" after she said she wants to go home as soon as possible, she responded with: " Don't threaten me, I will run into the hallway and yell elderly abuse and see how you will like it" Well, that shut me up and at that point I knew I had a problem. Big problem. You see I'm an Apartment Manager at a Luxury Community and she was literally threatening me, so she had control. Internally I was very upset, but kept my cool. These 2 months were a learning experience and not only that, I realized that it was not my fault, it's who she is. I'm an only child and to be so hated by your own mother, while you are trying to hold her hand, give her a hug and hope that she has an ounce of love, is very difficult to realize, but I do. I do not need counseling at this stage of the game. I did that years ago. I consider myself very stable, even though I have a mother who is totally absorbed about herself. And her calls will be handled at my pace. The only thing is and I have to admit, I miss being loved.
The guilt that this woman instilled in me is unbelievable and yet I'm considered a very strong and a common sense kind a of a gal. But the scars are deep and no matter how old one get's the verbal and physical abuse one receives as a child and it continues in to adulthood is unbelievable.
I enjoyed your comments all the way thru. This was a very good forum for Lisa to survive the antics of her mother.
By the way, my mother called few weeks before Mothers Day and I talked with her very briefly. And when Mothers Day was upon me, I struggled with the should I or shouldn't I. So I sent her one. Yes, I anticipated a phone call, but what I'm trying to achieve is that, no, I will not talk to you mother dearest when you call, I will call when I'm good and ready. So far it's Tuesday and I have not returned her calls. There was a time in my life, not to long ago, my mother would get mad and punish me by not talking to me for weeks, months and sometimes up to a year or so. Then when she was done punishing me she would find a way to get in contact with me and I would forgive her and all was good for a while. But during that "good time" she would call and demand that I call her daily. I in return would say what for, and her reply was what if something happen to me. I responded, mother you can not talk to me for weeks, months, or a year and you would be fine and now you want daily calls? Not doing it.
So this is what I'm trying to avoid. All my young adulthood, I was an obedient daughter and always forgave her and allowed her to manipulate me. Not anymore. I'm just sorry that I did not nip this selfish woman a long time ago. She had such an impact on my life and she was so detrimental to some of my decisions, that I sometimes just have to shake my head. But it is what it is and all I'm trying to do now is cut loose. Working on it. You will hear from me here and there because my mother needs to control me and she can't, but she is gonna try. Let's see what this month brings.
Again, thank you for your input.
Midwest
Hugs to you my friend, Cattails.
I'm sorry that I didn't comment initially, so please don't take this comment as criticism in anyway. I am one of the KAW girls and you asked for their comments, so for what it is worth, here's mine. If you are not willing to see or speak to your mom then it makes no sense to send a card. In fact, in some way it's unkind.
You have every right to chose to not speak to your mom. If the pain of her words is something you can not tolerate, then don't. There is no reason for anyone to open themselves up to a hateful and vindictive verbal tirade. It doesn't matter that she is your mom. If she only brings you pain then cut your losses and don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking that you must endure her abuse. That's BS. You get to choose what is right for you and what is good for your mental health.
Aside from no contact, here are a couple of options. You can write your mom a letter and tell her that you are willing to have contact with her, but it will have to be occasional for now and always civil. You can mention the "sorry you were ever born" comment and tell her that if she ever says that or other hateful words to you again, you will have absolutely no further contact with her. The first time she starts to get hostile that will be the end and the decision will be yours, based on your definition of hostile. My guess is that in time she will cross the line and you can bring a clear end to contact.
Another option is to call her, have a conversation and keep it short and sweet. Tell her that you are not up to insults or nasty comments. If she can go with that, then you will keep in touch on your terms. Don't return all her calls. Send the generic card and speak to her when you feel strong enough to cope with her verbal surprises.
You need to weigh what is in YOUR best interest. If my suggestions don't feel comfortable to you, then kick them to the curb. No problem.
Best regards, Cattails.
BTW, DPOA wouldn't have obligated you to pay her bills for you, only authorized you to use her money to pay her bills (and if she were declared incompetant you could keep it from her so she couldn't spend at QVC). So let me guess...she's been living rent- free at your house while spending at QVC, smokes, etc.?
Since you are pretty much washing your hands of responsiblity of your Mom's self-created train wreck it's probably just as well you don't have it though. Let the Public guardian take care of her, or maybe a payee (someone NOT related who won't care how mean she is).
Calicaregiver- I had a wonderful Mother In-law, she was kind and sweet to me. She lived with me when she became a Widow for 17 years, until she died of Alzheimer's. The hate my own Mother had for my Mother-In law was unreal. My Mother was jealous of anyone who loved me and was good to me. My Mother ripped in to my Mother In law constantly. We never stood for it, but in the moments she got out what she needed and it was to late, the words were out. My Father loved me til the end. He died too. My parents were divorced so there was this animosity against my Father as well. She hated him and I was his daughter. The funny part is that I look like my Mother and have a lot of my Fathers personality.
The people who loved me the most have died, but the one who hates me is still alive. Now isn't that the pip?!
Austin, wouldn't it be great if Hallmark or American Greetings did a line of cards for Narcissists? The cover would have little mirrors on them. It would read " Hey, it's ALL ABOUT YOU Today, as always"! Yesterday, today and Tomorrow, it's all about YOU, oh great one! lol Signed, Your Little Nobody, kiss kiss.
I don't buy cards for anyone if the sentiment is phony. Most of them make me sick.