My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.
It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.
Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.
Have a blessed day
I appreciate your questions, they are good ones. It might be best if Lisa tells some truths about her mom, but not all the horror she has been through because so much of that is personal, directed at Lisa, and probably not something that would be directed at the world as a whole. More than likely, her mom will just try to find a way to get an advantage where ever she goes.
So here I am, talking for Lisa. Excuse my butting in. I'm sure Lisa will put her thoughts on the thread shortly.
Good night everyone. Sleep well. Cattails.
I wonder if there might be consequences (to you and your family) when she begins behaving badly at the new place. Whether or not they call you on your comments about her behavior, if she is not happy there, she will be herself and make the people miserable. If she gets kicked out, are you adequately protected so that there is NO WAY they can drop her off at your doorstep? Sometimes it seems that my dad goes on missions to get himself kicked out so he can go back home. Luckily, he had to move from assisted living to a regular nursing home so they are able to manage him a little better because he has less freedom. His min is all there (meanness and all); it's his legs that don't work. He could be at home with a caregiver, but his constant need for attention and having someone do for him, along with his negative behavior and complaining makes it impossible for us to set him up at home. It would be no time before he would go through all the paid caregiving staff, and then it would fall back on us. Anyway, just wanted to suggest thinking ahead to prepare in case the answers to the questions come back to mess things up. Hugs.
You had me grinning ear to ear at your description of getting the kids to smile on the bus. Sweet. Thanks! I hope you get a good night's sleep. Have a pancake for me in the morning :)
I can so appreciate how her voice and presence is a reminder of all things evil and cruel. But here you are with this wonderful husband, children and extended family.
Your only mistake was to take her in, which you did out of the goodness of your heart. Well, we all live and learn. Thank God she will be gone soon.
I know you will play if forward and you have so much to offer. Thanks goodness others will feel your goodness and understanding.
Let's take time to be on this thread together. There is more to share, Lisa. Sweet dreams to you my dear friend. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
Lisa: I completely agree, no police. If you can do the medical without an issue do that, but if not then you will get through the remaining time the same way you have gotten through the past two years and the last month.
We love you and I just want to say how much I love everyone who has posted here.....we will exempt Sylvester the avenger/stalker. I so wish we could pair him up with your mom. Talk about Karma.
Cattails.
Love Cattails.
One thing I would like to share is your mother's need for stimulation...drama, arguments, persistent computer games, QVC...and especially in this final 24 hours...that she is picking fights and being brazen about it. First of all, I'm guessing she believed that you would back down at the last minute and never really thought it would happen. If she is like my dad, she is a master manipulator and when all else fails, she rails with a vengance that breaks the person who is facing off against her. Just keep smiling and ignore her (but keep your eyes on her). She could be pressed to a physical response.
The stimulation issue that I've seen in this thread, along with the drug addiction, makes me wonder if she could possibly be ADHD. I have it and believe my Dad has it. The dopamine levels in an ADHD person are off kilter, so in order to get the stimulation, folks either self medicate with caffiene or tobacco, or they engage in behaviors that increase their adreniline levels...which provides compensates for the low dopamine levels. My husband has accused me of arguing for the fun of it.....and I finally realized that sometimes he's right. It was about me being bored or needing some kind of adreniline kick. It is my personal believe that many people with addiction problems are ADD or ADHD or have other chemical imbalances that are hard to diagnose...and they try to medicate themselves and then the cure becomes worse than the symptoms.
If you end up hospitalizing her, or even as she receives intake at the new facility, you might consider asking them to screen her for ADD/ADHD. Medications might be able to help her balance her chemicals and start to improve. Of course, after a life time of bad habits, and relying on negative behavior to get what she wants, she might not be interested in changing.
One more thing....have you considered any kind of restraining order to prevent her from showing up on your doorstep...via taxi or nephew? If the facility allows free movement, ie she won't have to sign out to leave, please think about how to make sure she doesn't start harassing you when the new situation sinks in. Rather than take responsibility for her own actions and consequences, it will be easier for her to blame you and Doug and if she is able to freely come to your home, there might be new problems. I dearly hope not, and I don't mean to rain on your parade....these are from my own life from when my dad went into an assisted living facility and the staff could not prevent him from leaving and going wherever he wanted....
I look forward to your post that your mom is safely out of your home and I cheer you for having the courage to reach out to a bunch of strangers and taking the leap of faith to empower yourself, protect your family, embrace your sanity, and make lots of new friends. I really *DO* think this thread should become a book..and that is evidenced by the fact that I've been sitting here for 3 hours just to get to this point in the story. Best wishes and great job to all the gals!
If they say yes, have nephew get the check from her and hand deliver. Call her doctor and move forward with the hospitalization.
These are just my thoughts. You and Doug discuss this and see if it sounds workable.
I hate to ask this question, but does your mom have a criminal background? No problem if she does, you have the eviction order in place and she can go to the hospital and Social Services can take it from there.
My heart goes out to you and your family. The end of her in your home is coming, so don't lose sight of that. Love and Hugs, Cattails