Many of us (myself included) have strong beliefs about how to get one's parent(s), spouse or other loved one the best care possible.
I believe that one should do what suits best, without being berated or shamed. Much like "stay at home" parents and working parents. What works for you, works for you and your family.
Here's the thing. If you are caring for a loved one at home, you need to make sure that it works FOR YOU as well as for your loved one. I know, personally, too many situations in which a relative was bound and determined to keep a loved one at home. Several of these situations ended in the death of the caregiver before the person cared for. In one case, a suicide which could be directly traced to the caregiving situation.
There are many, many folks here who HAVE made home care work. Their LO's have been able to afford to bring in home health aides; they've gotten respite care. They have, rarely, it seems to me, been able to share caregiving duties with other family members who have the time and inclination to do hands on caregiving. These folks are generous with their tips and advise.
There are those of us who read a posting from someone who sounds desperate; we suggest that "maybe" it's time for a facility. If that doesn't fit with your ethos, then feel free not to take that advice. But please don't tell us that we've "dumped" our loved ones. Having a LO in a facility is an ENORMOUS amount of work. You don't just drop them off at the door and find yourself relieved of responsibility.
I am posting this in the interest of folks who want to discuss this issue. I know what worked for my family, and what didn't.
The rest of you need to make up your own minds.
A little New Orleans trivia for you. Our famous vampire author, Anne Rice ended up buying St. Elizabeth’s to live in. It’s huge! Over 50,000 square feet. It was later turned into condos.
I feel sorry for him too. I wasn’t happy about him placing his mother first in his life but he was confused about what to do.
His mom grew up in St. Elizabeth’s orphanage (uptown New Orleans.) She left at age 18 and married shortly thereafter and had lots of children!
I know a few people who grew up in that orphanage. It wasn’t easy for them. They all had their individual feelings on the situation.
I think he felt like he would be abandoning her and it was hard on him.
(((Hugs)))
I can totally understand needing to stay away while grieving your Mom and friend . You took care of your mom for so long .
That is a heartbreaking story about your friend. I feel bad for her husband as well. I’m assuming he is convinced he was doing what he was obligated to do for his mother . It’s a tragedy that he allowed it to continue while his mother was mean to your friend . This story and Mid’s are perfect examples of why caregiving is dangerous if it is not working for all involved .
I did leave the forum for a long while after my mom and best friend died. We had been friends since we were teenagers.
Mom was 95. She died in a hospice care home with Parkinson’s disease disease and dementia.
My best friend died after my mom. She was in her 60’s. She and her husband were caring for her MIL in their home.
My friend had a stroke and never left the hospital. I couldn’t tell her goodbye in person because of Covid restrictions. I spoke to her briefly on the phone. Her husband, in his 70’s is still caring for his mom who is in her late 90’s.
He is part of a large Italian family. None of the other siblings chose to give up their lives to help him care for their mom. I don’t blame them. She isn’t a nice person. Even if a person is nice, it is a huge sacrifice to continually care for someone.
His mom didn’t want to go into a facility, so he volunteered to take her in. My friend was never happy about her MIL living in their home.
He was crying uncontrollably at his wife’s funeral. His mother was mean to my friend. She wouldn’t divorce her husband. She was hoping that her MIL would die so that she could have time with her husband back.
I was grieving horribly and it became too painful to read posts on the forum during that time.
"These are the words that lead to wisdom:
I don't know.
I need help.
I'm sorry.
I was wrong."
I strongly believe that none of us has cornered the market on what is right for anyone except ourselves.
The blanket statements that are posted regarding how terrible it is to “Dump “ your LO in a facility are upsetting and not supportive to people who are drowning from caregiving at home , or have already put a LO in a facility. Sometimes it is the only way for a LO ( in my experience especially with dementia ) to get care that they need because they will not let family or hired caregivers care for them at home .
There are many other reasons why others have placed their LO in a facility . I invite them to share their reasons ( if they wish to take that risk in the current climate of this forum ) to enlighten these people who know nothing about how difficult a decision it can be. We are not dumping them to make life easier . The shaming is downright dangerous for caregivers and their LO who are in dire need of a way to improve their situation .
We all have to do what works for our individual situations . When someone sounds burnt , yes we suggest , getting help in the home , respite care or placement. Depending on the situation , yes sometimes placement is the most common suggestion given . Very often people come to the Forum at the end of their rope in a situation that can not be managed at home any longer . These people need to be allowed to consider placement . They don’t need shaming .
I think you have covered everything very well.
This posting is relevant for all caregivers, whether the parent is in their own home, living with an adult child or living in a facility.
Caregiving at home can be excellent when the needs aren’t extensive and the caregiver is willing to do so. In certain circumstances, the care given by at home caregivers can be subpar which is very sad.
When the required care exceeds the capabilities of the caregiver, it makes sense to either hire additional help or place their loved one in a facility.
If the caregiver becomes dissatisfied for whatever reasons and wishes to stop the ‘at home’ caregiving, they should do so.
Caregivers don’t have to serve a ‘life’ sentence like a prisoner does. They can remain imprisoned by their caregiving responsibilities or they can look into alternative options for their loved ones to receive care.
Facility care isn’t abandonment of a loved one. Caregivers are still involved with the care of their loved ones as advocates.
Thank you for addressing this issue.