My father became ill with active TB two years ago at which time I brought him to my home to live with my family and care for him. My name as well as my 2 others siblings names have been on his checking account since my mom and dad opened it more than 20 years ago. I wrote checks to pay for my dad's bills and to get him cash and when I wrote a check for anything I wrote what it was for in the comment section. During this time he did help with groceries and when I was not working and was home caring for him (he has dementia) I did okay it with him and paid some bills on occasion from his account. He has recently went to live with my brother(because he would not allow me to have someone come in and stay with him while I worked during the day). Now my brother is accusing me of having stolen 15000 to 20000 dollars from my father!! I am beside myself, I never took anything from his account without his permission and everything that was paid from that account. Sad thing about it my Dad is going to do whatever my brother says for him to do. Can anyone please give me any advice on what I can do?
She tossed me out of the house but before I left I slyly picked up the bag at the bottom of the steps that held all of her bank statements and check book receipts and replaced it with an identical bag containing paid bills from many years ago.
Now that her money is gone he's got a job and never comes around so my children do ALL her errands and shopping. They document everything. There won't come a time when they are accused of cleaning her out because she was broke when they got old enough to get cars and help her.
The last time he called them was the beginning of June, I believe the medication is working as I have been out of the house the last couple of days. I have told them that he has dementia, when in fact he hasn't been diagnosed yet, I am working on that. I don't think I should call them and tell them that he is not diagnosed yet until he calls them again and I'm praying he won't. I absolutely do not want them to send someone out from Social Services. When he did call them, they called me after and they know that my being missing or wandering off is not true. His confusion has to be dementia or alzheimers, I don't know what else it could be.
Glendalough, hope you have had a chance for a friendly discussion with the local police and brainstormed a way they can handle to inevitable calls - hopefully they can understand Dad has dementia and just call you to make sure you are OK instead of rushing out to do the whole missing persons things with him every time.
My husband was seven years older and completely opposite of this brother. We were very happily married and I miss him so much. Especially at times like this.
My husband's brother is my MIL's only surviving child. He never helped me care for his mother. His occasional visits were always unannounced - and uncomfortable. I hated that. He was of no help to me in any way. As she was in my living room for 2 1/2 years............I used her money to pay bills. I had no written agreement. I tried to discuss finances a few times with BIL but he said to me..............."As long as there is enough money to bury her I don't care about the money." So I thought all was okay.
Well, she died - and he is taking me to court for paying my household bills with her money. I now understand that my BIL would not discuss money while she was alive because HE NEEDED ME to take care of her FOR HIM. She's not even my mother. She's his mother! ( BTW her property was transferred to him 2 years ago Had she been in a nursing home, his property would've been taken to pay nursing home).
At this point, it appears that I will have to write a big check to him (who did nothing) for the privilege of giving up my life and home for HIS mother. .. My husband would be horrified and furious at his brother.
Never a thanks - instead a lawsuit.
So sorry I ever took on the caregiving.
1. Add up. Get all of the bank statements together and see how much you spent on things that were not directly for your father.
2. If you possibly can, pay back that amount of money into your father's account.
I'm assuming, though, that you did not have your father's explicit permission to spend the money on the other things you're talking about? If you did, and he was mentally competent, then there is no problem. But if you didn't, by which I mean you just spent the money on whatever without thinking to discuss it with him, then you have slipped up, I'm afraid. Your name being on your father's account does not mean that you can just help yourself to his money. It means he trusted you to operate his account for him.
So, how much are we talking about? Will you be able to put this right?
In any case, don't just sit on your hands while your mother pursues a prosecution. You'll feel better and perhaps be able to save the day by clarifying what exactly has happened and dealing with it head on.
For what it's worth, I'm sure you didn't mean your father any harm; and you clearly are giving him help to keep his life running smoothly. But this is such a sensitive area that you could be at risk of real trouble. Please come back and fill in the details? I'm sure others will have good advice about what you should do.
Marialake has a point - not really good to jump to such a firm conclusion, but...
EVERYBODY should take notice to NOT commingle funds, to have a fair-market-value formal agreement on rent and caregiver reimbursments instead of just taking what they feel they need and could be entitled to morally speaking, and be able to produce documentation of all expenses. You may be honest, good, and caring, and not truly deserve to be treated as a criminal, but it happens often enough that you should understand if your financial decisions and transactions are questioned. You also are on very, very shaky ground if you get your permissions to use funds, whether well-documented or just verbal, from a person with dementia. Just my $0.02. (And, my own piles of documentation for both my parents' care still sit boxed up in my attic and will probably stay there for as long as we live, or even move with us if we ever sell the house...)
I may have never noticed this happening except my brother slipped up. I am now her legal guardian. I am starting a website due to all the things I have learned along the way, hoping it will help others who take in a parent to care for them.
ouraginsociety if you are interested...
Charging for mileage is a grey area, but probably - I'm afraid - not a legitimate expense to charge to your father's account unless you had his prior agreement or if the subject is covered in your POA documentation. The POA's rule of thumb is whether or not money is spent wholly and exclusively for your parent's benefit; and arguably, as he was in hospice care, your driving every day to see him was not a necessary expense. But I do know of families where the children's travel to see their parent is charged to the parent's account and everyone seems cool with that. Is there anyone such as your late father's lawyer or accountant whom you can consult on this point?
Any expenses you incurred solely on your father's behalf - telephone and mail on his business, mileage for errands run for him, goods and services bought for him, anything where you were acting strictly as his proxy, if you like - would be fine for you to claim back from the estate - ideally, you would have been spending his money on these things and keeping detailed records of expenditure, but I realise that you had priorities other then GAAP compliance at the time! As long as you have some proof of expenditure and details of what it was, you shouldn't have a problem getting your own money back.
I'm sorry for your loss - was this very recent?
when dad went in hospice I drove about 300 miles a day for 21 days can I charge expense. Can i charge anything else as dpoa if need to?thanks