Cared for my father for two years, now I am being accused of stealing from him!!

I'm 59 and have always had an up and down relationship with my 82 yr old mother. She and I finally became rather close about 10 yrs ago. She is in pretty good health, is very coherent (although I suspect her of being slightly bipolar..she exhibits depression, highs and lows, is never happy, jealous of anyone else's success and tells lots of little white lies) she drives, does her own shopping and still takes care of her own business. She is facing knee replacement surgery next month. Here's my problem. My husband and had some financial problems and my mother was no longer able to do yard work due to her knee problem. Last year she suggested since we all get along so well and have fun together, we find a house together with enough space so she would still have her independence. She would pay cash for the house but my husband and I would pay all the monthly bills, homeowners ins and take care of all the yard work and maintenance. She assured me it would be my house too. We found a large house in foreclosure at a really great price. I assumed that meant she would put the house in my name ALONG with hers at closing..she did tell my sister she was buying the house and that it would be mine. We sold our mobile home. At closing my older sister showed up supposedly to join in the excitement of us having a home. (My sister is VERY financially secure). I was somewhat miffed that mom didnt include my name in the papers but I didn't want to make waves and thought I'd address it at a later time. A day or so later, Mom was adamant about having a new will made saying the house would be mine upon her death. She asked me to write the will. I was very hesitant to do that. i dont feel its my place to do that. but did express my concerns that without a will my sister could demand half the value of the house if something were to happen to her since mothers current will states my sister and I are to split whatever she has. Well, that was a year ago. There still isnt a new will. Assuming the house was mine my husband and I took the money from the sale of our home and made improvements on "mothers house". We continue to pay all utilities, the homeowners ins and we are killing ourselves working in the yard and taking care of the pool. There hasn't been any mention of the will. Mother hasn't been happy in the new house at all. I kept telling myself it would take her a month or two to adjust. She complains to others how much she hates it. My hubby and I go above and beyond trying to make her happy. I try to keep the yard pretty, the house clean, we cook great meals and include her in everything. She lives downstairs, has a beautiful view of the pool with a giant den and bedroom with a fireplace. She complains to others shes living in a dungeon and its cold and dark. I've even offered to switch floors with her. My sister and I have tried to keep open lines of communication and she handles my moms medical stuff, appts, talking to Drs etc. other than that, that is all she does. She doesn't come see her, doesn't invite her to her house, nothing. I know mom cant be left alone right now due to her knee. she can barely get around. my sister is laying on the beach right now as i type this (for the 4th time this summer including a Dominican trip) when I can't remember the last time I had a vacation. after this knee surgery I will be her sole caregiver. During one of our talks about mother, sister told me mother also told her to write her will and that other than the house everything else would go to my sister. I confronted mom about it and she said it was not true. I don't want my moms money. I do want what was promised to me and what I've worked so hard on. If something does happen to mom my sister can legally expect half of this house. Or if mom ever does get a will made leaving me the house I will most likely have to pay inheritance tax on property I've already sank about $15,000 in. Mother is very argumentative so I am avoiding talking to her about this. I'm at a loss. Hubby and I have become very unhappy and now I know why our relationship was on and off for so many years. I love this home so much but feel mom is either going to decide to sell it or ill lose it in probate.

I am in a similar situation. My dad gave me 2 of his credit cards (put my name as authorized user) and I pay all bills no matter who used to card. He then gave my daughter a gift of 5000 when she graduated high school. I planned a special trip without my father and my older sister had to step up and care for my father for 10 days at which time a credit card called to ensure it was not stolen because it was being used where I was staying for vacation. My sister told the credit card that it had been stolen. (thank goodness I had cash with me) and hired a lawyer to change and check into all my father's finances. She is accusing me of stealing his money with out his permission. She has talked my father into believing that he is in financial distress and should move in with her. Many times my father asked me to get him cash with his ATM card. she is now saying that I stole that money. My dad has become afraid that his family is fallen apart. (my other sister lives in another state and has taken the side of the my sister) I was home for a week when I started receiving emails accusing me of theft, forgery, and unethical behavior. I spoke with a lawyer friend who told me to keep all emails, only discuss the situation in writing and to put on a happy face when she is around which is very difficult. My sister has POA. I have found out that she called my and my husband's jobs to request our salary information (which is public knowledge because we work for government agencies) had the lawyer stop a my 18 year old daughter's debit card (there is no connection between my father and this account) and used her title as RN to find out if my children are getting the medical care I have stated. It has become a horrible situation. I am sick almost every day because of how and what she is doing to me, my children, my husband and most importantly my father. I have made the decision that this will not in any way effect my relationship with him. My sister has also threatened to change the will and demanded a meeting with the 3 sisters and father. I was told by my lawyer friend to not agree to any meeting that he is not present. I didn't mention that I am the youngest of 3 by more than 8 years. there has been an ongoing battle with my oldest sister since I was very young.

for the person who asked why lie detector.....to prove my sister wrong as stated in the original post at the time of the accusation, my mother had to be taken from her home to come with me to have hernia surgery (big hernia( because my sis wouldn't let me tell her about moms hernia as she was so busy yelling accucations...then mom had surgery and ...after surgeon evaluated what was wrong with mom i offered to bring mom back home for sugery...sister was already not talking to me due to alleged theft...sister would not answer emails about mom coming home for surgery so we had to have it here in my town. i couldn't just let mom have surgery at her home alone as she would need post surgery care and she had alzheimer's mild...i couldnt take more extensive time off from work to stay in moms town to figure all this out so it was all done in my town....we went from zero to 100 mi per hour...mom's stay was not planned, i was not prepared and it never occurred to me to get bank records..never crossed my mind...i was busy working 40 plus hours, providing post surgery care, hiring caregivers, it was awful...i had papers everywhere including but not limited to being poa for mom (had to become poa as sister still wasn't talking)...change of address forms for mail, SS, new physicians, new diagnosis, legal this and non legal that, more sickness from mom, ER visits, ambulance rides....i just never thought of bank records...its been 6 years and i doubt that i can find let alone pull the records together....my life was a whirlwind for many years...now it is calm...p.s sis knew something was wrong with my mom's mind and let my mom use over 32k to buy cars (new) for my sisterslt boys...grrrrr sister has never visited our mother in 6 years nor have the grandkids with their new cars....

N. tried to accuse me of stealing all her money. she is so stupid, she forgot that she emptied her accounts and opened new accounts, LMAO! she had my brother all up in arms, (he hates me too), so Bill called my sister and she told him, "are you crazy? you're listening to Mother?!! she closed those accounts months ago." Jenn is cool. she straightened him out. best sister ever. :)

why do the worst parents live forever? is it really true that only the good die young? my beautiful father died at 47 and N. is still frakking alive. people with ugly hearts have no business living this dam long. no business living at all.

Being accused of stealing is terrible. I have been accused one time of stealing by my mother. It was very unpleasant.

When it comes to siblings, there is something that may make them suspect money is gone. Sometimes people's kids get the idea that their parents have more money than they do. For example, my oldest brother thought my parents had at least a million. How he got that idea, I don't know. If siblings think the parents have a lot, then find out they don't, it must be someone stole it.

I don't worry about my brothers accusing me of theft. They went over the estate with me when my father died, and I tell them now when there is a major expenditure. Nothing will surprise them. My mother, OTOH, can be unpredictable. She doesn't truly trust and can flip in an instant. I wouldn't be surprised if in the future I am telling neveragain's story, but with my mother as accuser. Life is never certain when caring for elders with mental infirmities.

It is awful to be accused by a family member, but greed does strange things to people, and as most of us know, the family thing is never easy. Accusations are accusations, most of it is a smoke screen to hide behind, so you won't notice the real wrong doer. I would keep my eyes and ears open, if your name is still on the account, you can access information to find out, if he is misusing the money. Chances are, he will try to take your name off, with a fake accusation. This is one of those slippery slopes, you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't, but if you suspect fowl play who has FPOA and MPOA, someone should or it will get messy fast. Better than these two is guardianship.

accusations are just that... accusations! They become a serious problem when there is in fact merit to the accusations. Being seen in a bank with your Mother is not in fact grounds for accusations as any prosecutor will tell you. There would have to be some bank records pointing to suspicious activity to substantiate accusations. You can get together with whomever you want and hire all the lie detector specialists in the nation, but once again if there is evidence to prove deception and embezzlement you will be guilty, if there is not, why would you want to get a lie detector organization to give you a great deal?

if your being accused of stealing then the only solution is to steal. its the only way the accuser / s will learn.. ann landers im not.. im not being paid either so you get what you get.. but its free..

there are many of us who have been accused. i never paid myself. my accuser made accusations because they saw me and mom in a bank...i went to the bank with my mom all of my life (I am now in my 60's)...let's join together and get a lie detector organization to give us a great deal....I am ready to prove the truth to these know it all idiots

Power of attorney is such a hot issue that I sincerely do not advise anyone who does have a DPOA to just take what you feel is fair for room and board. That sum should have in fact been discussed up front before the parent moved in with you. Just as it is discussed in any facility providing room and board. Once again, just because you provide care for an aging parent it does not in fact give you a carte blanche to take their money for what ever and whenever you deem neccesary. I am afraid I would have a very easy time proving embezzlement in cases such as these.

This thread is about 2 years old, so neveragain probably doesn't still need advice, but for others looking at this thread, a couple of comments.

1. Of course you may charge your parent for your care, and/or for room and board. In fact, that is often the best practice. There should be a contract spelling out what is being paid for and how much, and the taxes should be handled appropriately.

2. If the caregiver has DPOA, he or she does not need to discuss any financial transactions with siblings, and does not need their approval. A very careful and thorough record should be kept of expenditures of the parent's funds, and all should be done in the best interests of the parent. In many families discussion among siblings may occur for major decisions, but it is not required.

Here is where most caregivers get into trouble. If you are caring for a parent, that is not a license for you tgo charge them for that care. In fact there are laws on the books that state children must provide care for their parents or the cost of. Borrowing money is a questionable practice if it was not first discussed with other family members. Of course a parent will agree to lend money to a child especially if they are in that child's care because they feel indebted, or if they have any type of dementia that is a huge red flag. Do not ever borrow money from someone in your care without first consulting with other siblings or heirs. You only set yourself up for prosecution when you do. Other siblings will gladly take over the care when this happens because they feel you got your inheritance up front they are going to make sure they get theirs. Inheritance is a very ugly scenario and believe me when I tell you Trust is a joke! No one should be trusted at all all siblings should have to sign each and every check for every single expense. That is why you set up accounts with Doctors, pharmacies etc so bills can be paid monthly all all concerned are in the know.

i can relate to each and every one of you. I live in s.f. and my mom lived in So CA a mere 10 minutes from my sister. I told mom i was coming to visit. for the last 25 years this is what i would do. in turn, mom would tell my sister i was coming for a visit. My mom was proably stage 4 of Alzheimer's (she was stage 5 when she arrived to stay with me in 07). Like always i arrived late at night. the following morning mom always had an agenda for us which usually entailed a day of shopping, stopping at starbucks. this time she also asked me to take her to the bank. Take her to the bank meaning, she asked me to do all the driving that day. She wanted to close her account because the branch very close to her closed. Was I suppose to say no because sister might think I am stealing? Of course, I would not say no. I said yes, of course. Before even entering the bank i knew mom could not close the account because her SS and other retirement checks were automatically deposited there. But we went in and I listened to what the lady said. Mom and i were seated. There was nothing on the table, no checkbooks were out...just talking to the lady. Brother in law walks in and i knew something was wrong
like always when mom and i were done for the day we would go home i would call my sister and we would arrange a time for us to get together. instead, when i called sister started screaming (literally) that i snuck into town to steal mom's money. Her husand is such a slime that he allowed sister to be so abusive? I always knew he was slime and my sister i knew wasn't a whole lot better. I was dumbfounded by the accusation and it took me a while, listening to her screaming, until i realized the whole bank scene lead to these accusations. My mom could hear this entire accusation fight going on and started crying; she was so upset. i believe my mom knew something was wrong with her (alzheimer;s) and now this horrible fight. My brain snapped and i told my sister i was taking mom to s.f. with me. Mom had a hernia that made her look 5 months pregnant. Sister wouldnt let me get two words in, so i knew i had to take mom with me to get the care she needed as sister wasn't being reasonable .....i took mom and mom had the necessary surgery. there were continued medical emergencies but sister would never work with me to get my mom back home to So Ca. Sister has talked to us in 5 years. It is one thing to be accused of a wrong doing but its a double whammy when you also get slapped with the silent treatment for the crime you didn't commit.
these people rationalize their behavior so well that they will never acknowledge their inadequacy, error or mistaken-ness.

abigail1654, "she shouldn't be touching their inheritance money" -- WHAT? It is NOT their inheritance money. It is her money. And she should be spending it on her own care. If she is doing things for you in appreciation of your care, how on earth can your brothers complain?

Alas, they can complain, because they are selfish creatures. They are threatening you with a lawyer? Because your mother is spending her money as she sees fit? What is the lawyer going to do? Too absurd!

Do you have POA? If not, they certainly should be done.

I suggest that you consult an elder law attorney, and set up a care agreement. If it weren't for your selfish brothers, the arrangement you have now is just fine. But to head of any future conflicts it might be best to spell out a cost for room and board and perhaps even for care provided (depending on your mother's resources.) Also spell out that the items she bought for you were in appreciation of room and board up to that point. The lawyer will know how best to handle this. The whole idea of a contract is distasteful, but it may be the best way to stop your greedy brothers, and it may also be a good record in case mother needs someday to apply for Medicaid.

Please see an elder law attorney!

I to am going through a similar situation--My father passed 6 years ago...My husband and I helped take care of him and his home and yard and Mom.....After Dad passed we continued to help Mom out with the house, yard shopping, etc...in 2009 Mom fell outside and the doctor told us she couldn't live alone anymore...She is in beginning stages of Alzheimers..she knows what is going on around her but is forgetful of names, dates and other things.....She helps with the household bills and also has insisted on purchasing a couple of things for us that we were going to borrow the money from the bank for.....Now my brothers are accusing me of stealing her money and demanding to know how much she has, and that she shouldn't be touching their inheritance money at all. I have never used any of her money that she didn't know about but yet they are threatening with a lawyer and everything else....The thing is they aren't even thinking about her well being or coming to really see how she is doing...they are lucky to see her twice a year..They are hurting her and then try to tell her they love her and don't want her money!!!! It is so frustrating and makes me sad for her. I find myself apologizing to her for their actions and how they treat her. What will it take to make them understand that it is her money and not theirs until she dies.

yes, unfortunately, there are people who will accuse at the drop of a hat. if you haven't done so already, then ask the brother where his proof is. calmly. discuss it with him if you can, and point out that you received no real compensation for your caring for your father. he paid no real rent, did he?

if all else fails, then sigh and tell the brother to take you to court, prove his accusations, or shut up about it. I truly feel your pain over this. I've had issues like this with my Dad's death, and when we moved my Grandmother out of her home. Everyone seems to be out for a buck, even those we are supposed to rely on for moral support and help. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to be as calm as possible, and not to counter accuse. Be the adult, if no one else will. The burden of proof is on the brother, and it sounds to me you were reasonable in the use of your father's money.

My Grandmother's siblings took her to court over her mother's care and income. They lost, because they only wanted things for themselves, and were angry that my Gram didn't just hand everything over to the boys. Don't lose hope if he does take you to court. It sounds like you have all your ducks in a row anyway. Good luck with the situation. Hopefully, a calm discussion of why you spent the money and how will be possible with the brother, and he will come to understand.

I understand the pain described by the previous people. I cared for my precious mother for five years. My sister and brother-in-law refused to help in any way. Even at the very end of my mother's life they told me to "just let them know when she dies and they will come for the funeral". Unbelievably, they then accused me of mistreatment of my mother, being responsible for her illness and suffering, and stealing from my parents. Further, they demanded that I not be at my mother's wake. My grief at my mother's suffering and death was compounded by these hateful accusations. Now a year and a half later, I have not received an apology nor have I talked with my sister and brother in law. I know I will never receive an apology of any kind, yet I know that I have to find a way to forgive them. I don't believe an apology is necessary for one person to forgive another, yet I am at a loss as to how to do this. I appreciate any ideas at how to find peace with this.
heartbroken

I recently had to place my dad in a hospital to have him mentally examined due to the things he was doing in my home and threats to harm me and himself. My dad has always been a very abusive and manipulating man in every aspect of the word abuse. When he gets angry he damages property clothing toilets cars whatever he can get away with and not get caught in the act when he lived alone he threatened the neighbors and while driving he threatened other drivers so much it is hard to put it all down.. He has mental illness and has never really been diagnosed properly. He has lived with me for 1 1/2 years I have cared for him a total of 4 years since my momma died. I am his POA and have tried to be as fair and honest as possible. While he lived hear we split the monthly living expenses as if he were living on his own. I spent hundreds if not thousands out of our own pocket when my momma got down we paid rent bought groceries for them and medical supplies you name it. They did not have the money to do all that was needed at that point. When I placed dad in the hospital at the advice of his doctor the siblings went nuts! First they accused me of making up all the things he was doing, then they took him out of the hospital to live with one of my sisters who is totally crazy and now I am being accused of stealing his money! First of all he had NO savings, he made less than 1600.00 monthly and when I paid his cost of living to stay here travel expenses to and from doctors and adult day care along with what bills of his own he paid he still came up short every month. Many months when his needs were greater than his income we shorted ourselves to purchase things like glasses clothes shoes etc. plus we tried to always make sure he had money in his pocket for whatever he might want if we were at a store or whatever. Before moving in with my husband and I he duped us every month out of 100.00 -200.00 buying lottery tickets and scratch offs. The neighbors would tell us no one was ever there to visit him and for sure while he was here he was only with the siblings at most 2 weeks and no one called for him he spent days calling them and trying to get them to talk to him. No gifts on birthdays or fathers days not even calls. yes he was a very hard mean difficult man that I have forgiven, but he has once again inflicted his pain on me by telling lies to the doctors and siblings and told the doctors he hated me not because I was not good to him but I was to controlling and strict. This man has never known a boundary. This is our home and we don't stop people and ask for money or try to pick up the neighbors wife or tell a speeder to slow down or we will whip his ass, we don't ask people to buy us shoes nor do walk around the neighborhood telling everyone we are poor and need things we do not need, I always kept him away from children and animals for fear of what he may do. I hope I have painted a good picture as to the reasons I was controlling a strict as he put it. Well I have had all the crazy I can stand for a lifetime. My husband was so bewildered and angry he has been my hero and told them they are not to step foot back in our home and he wants to see their books in six months. They call and leave very hurtful mean messages on the phone calling me a liar and a thief and I am going to hell I need to get my heart right then cuss me like a dog. I feel so sorry for people who only run on assumptions and emotions, what a miserable life it must be. They will all soon get their medicine when they see how hard caring for parents can be. Even in the best of situations is is very difficult but when you have such oppositions and accusations it takes it toll especially knowing all the things you have sacrificed and all the love you try to give only to have it thrown back in your face. I hope anyone who reads this will say to the other siblings I am not doing this anymore it is your turn, when the shoe is one the other foot it wont fit any better for them either.

I just want to encourage you. I've navigated that accusation period myself. It comes up fairly often (my Mother brings it up). She's upset that I pay her bills (out of her checking account) these days. I used to just pay her bills out of my pocket, but can no longer do so as I make much less as her caregiver than I did out in normal life world. As her POA, I'm legally able to pay her bills out of her account and I don't get upset when she rants at me about it. I know I'm honest and good. I know that without me, she'd be lost in a sea of bill collectors, turned of utilities and eviction notices. If ever any sibling of mine accused me, I'd be just as upset knowing the sacrifice I've made (and they haven't made) was life affecting to me.

I hope things turn out well for you, and that your sibling see's the light of day soon.

I feel your pain. I am going through the same thing for the past year. My mom has been living with us since 2002. My dad passed in 2003 and we have been taking care of her 100% of the time. We have paid for her cable, phone water and sewage for the past 8 years. My husband was ill for a year and a half and only receiving 60% of his wages. He lost his job a couple years prior and got a new job at about half his original salary. So we were hit with a double whammy. When he got sick, I asked mom if we could borrow money from her account (I was a signer with my sister) and she said yes. My mom is now in the beginning stages of dementia. My sister got in a tiff when she found out money was missing and now has told the world I am committed forgery, fraud and fiduciary embezzlement and took advantage of my mom's memory loss. I even signed a promissary note to repay the money I borrowed either by regular payments or out of my inheritance at the time of mom's passing. I figured if my mother was paying rent (my home is a duplex) and her cable, phone, water and sewage and all my caregiver expenses it comes to $73,720.00 for the past 92 months. Send them a bill for all the time you have given to your parent. Also let them know of the social sacrifices you've made when you have to stay home to take care of a sick parent or feed them. My sister is just a control freak who now is hiding all moms money to keep it away from me and my mom has nothing. My mom does not even want to see her anymore and that is a shame. To hurt the elderly in their last years of life for spite and revenge is unforgivable. I know it hurts like hell to be accused of stealing. I know that I have done everything I can for my mom and these months of arguing with my sister has brought mom and I much closer and that is a blessing. Hang in there and when someone accuses you of being a thief, just let them know that they should be ashamed of themselves for thinking such things and one day they will have to answer for not standing behind the family member who took such good care of their parent.

Alz or dementia parents are not able to count or dress or cut up food to eat and also cannot make a decision to order off a menu. The parent and patient of the daughter is being combative and every day is a new day with new caregiving requirements. The 2 year span of care is well worth the amount of 20K you gave your dad. Your dad may not have the words for you. But let your brother try caring and see how much it costs for assisted living or he can do it himself. Compensate the siblings equal to the amount incurred by the home. That's fair for all caregivers.

How did your brother come up with that sum? When you say "I paid a few bills...from his account" how much did they amount to?

It sounds like you have documented everything when you cared for your father. Tell your brother that and let him prove it. There is nothing more powerful than the truth.

You could also figure out how much the care of your father would cost if he was in assisted living, etc. (especially taking on the risk of active TB in your home!)

It is appropriate for your father to pitch in for housing, utilities, groceries, etc., that go toward his care. It is not okay for him to be paying the major debts, bills, or living expenses of others.

good luck, these things are never fun.