It is now the start of my seventh year caring for my mother. She has had fifteen major surgeries, a massive stroke with brain injury, and several smaller issues. I'm turning 50, a single male, and have two graduate degrees. I have been unable to work and my bank account is negative $2.00 while all of my credit cards are charged to the Max. I started with an 820 credit score and its now dipped below 400. All attributed to groceries, medicine, and general items for the house and car. My older brother, by five years, is taking my mothers retirement checks to put his two daughters thru private school. One is 15 and the other is 11 years old. I have been arrested twice in the last month and held for observation because of thoughts of committing suicide. I have not had a vacation in 4 years. I am broke, my mother is broke and we are on the brink of losing everything including a family farm which we have had to borrow from to support my mother. She refuses to go into a home. She yells, screams and throws things when I mention a home. I get to deal with my I'll mother, my brother sucking us dry of money, and trying to save the farm. My brother has visited once in four years only to drop his children off for the summer. I am having constant headaches, my blood pressure has skyrocketed, I don't sleep, the local people think I am insane, I've gained weight, and i only shower every three or four days now. My brother doesnt care as long as he gets his monthly checks. My mother doesn't care as long as she stays out of the home
I agree with the suggestions above that your mom needs to get into some professional care, whether it's some kind of day care (to give you a mental break) or into Assisted Living, if you can find a way to afford that.
If she's got a brain injury, understanding what's best for her is probably beyond her. I have learned that my mom's wishes aren't to be met in all cases. I keep doing things she says I'm not to do and then she thanks me afterwards. At this point, she's not a good judge of what's in her best interest. I doubt your mom is either. You're the competent adult, you need to make the competent adult decisions.
Finally, you need to take care of your OWN mental and physical well-being. Start exercising or doing something you love to do. Even if it's for 20 minutes a day, do something that lets you have some pleasure. Reach out to others in your geographic area. I'm a great proponent of MeetUp.com as a way of getting out of your house. If you don't have MeetUps going on around you, check your hospital for support groups. Call your Area Agency on Aging to find what support services they have. If you have Township Offices, see if they have senior services for you mom. There are a bunch of groups/agencies out there who can offer some kind of support if you reach out to them. You've taken the first step here, now keep going! Good luck and keep us posted!! You are NOT alone in this - we're all in the same boat one way or another.
The advice the others gave is great and I can only add to it. There ARE resources to help give you a break, if you can't immediately get her into some kind of facility. Check Medicaid. Check with your state's agency on aging. Your city or county. Many municipalities have day-care programs. Many churches have outreach programs. If you're not very computer savvy, start in the yellow pages. Otherwise, this site targets many of the resources that might be available to you.
And, do .. take care of yourself. And give your brother a kick in the rear for me. To be frank, I can't fathom a child taking a parent's income away from her. What makes him think he has the right to it, anyway?
You are living in an unsustainable system. Decisive action is necessary. Start small.
Stabilize your own health by putting an emphasis on nutrition (juicing works for me), meditative exercise, and regular sleep schedule. Learn to do breathing exercises to calm on-the-spot stress. Get enough rest every night to deal with the massive requirements of your life right now. Pets and music are great emotional health boosters. Look for anything and everything that will give you a mental boost, no matter how small. Slow down. The mess is there and will still be there when you are stronger. Who cares that you only shower 1x a week now... its discouraging but the problem isn't the showering or lack thereof... the problem is anxiety + depression as a result of not knowing how to FIX anything anymore... and you've been trying really hard, haven't you? So stop trying so hard to fix things... this is the problem, not the solution. You've put too much stress on yourself and now you "can't see the forest for the trees."
It isn't necessary that your mom stay out of a home. We are human beings, we adapt, and we grow. And in fact, its challenges that make us adapt and grow. Your mom will likely meet others her age, and in her similar situation, if she goes in a home. Women enjoy companionship, thats a biological fact. So please let go of any guilt associated with trying to bear the burden of mom not going in home.
Let the farm go if it means you keep yourself, and your own sanity. A farm equals WORK, and if you'd rather go work in an area you're actually interested in (I'm guessing you got those grad degrees for a reason, once upon a time), then its time to let the farm go.
Your self-centered sibling is likely not understanding how directly his actions affect you and mom. Most people, while jerks, are not COMPLETE jerks. When you're healthier and clearer, take the time to write him an unemotional letter that outlines how his personal benefitting from mom's checks has contributed to your personal meltdown.
Also, there's a different thread on here - the "YOU" thread - that's a good place to vent in a healthy way. And the long-suffering, isolated caregiver needs a safe place to vent.
I hope some of these ideas resonate with you. Clarity is key. And highly stressful situations make us act from our limbic (emotional) brain and not our prefrontal cortex (logical) brain... or at least that's my take on it from researching into our stress response. And our self-care is the first thing to go when we are stressed, even though thats when we need it most.