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Years ago my mother did something that for me severed the bond of mother and daughter.Our relationship over the years has been polite but not close.However,now she has had to move in with me,I am only doing this out of a sense of duty.I have tried not to feel the way I do but I am losing.My day basically consists of doing the things that need to be done for her and otherwise I just live in my bedroom.I am eating myself to death.Things I used to enjoy no longer interest me.Basically she has the run of my whole house.If I hear her outside her bedroom I hide in mine.This is no way to live.To me there is no talking this out.She did what she did.I know the past can't be rewritten but nothing I say or do is going to change this narcissistic passive-aggressive person now living in my house.I can't get past what she did because it just revealed what kind of person she is.

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OMG texarcana, your life sounds like mine. I, too, do what I have to do to keep her safe and healthy but the rest of my life is spent in my room. I also try not to feel this way but I find it hard to feel a sense of closeness to my mother. I never have I don't think. Trouble is, I have to be the one to care for her as she is an inconvenience to everyone else's lives. My only respite is the hours I have at my PT job. I haven't figured a way out of it yet. Finance is always and issue for any other kind of care.
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Mom moved in one year ago and took over my home, my thoughts, my marriage, my LIFE as she did my entire growing up years. She was abused by my Dad and I experienced that abuse right along with her as. I know she had no control over my Dad or her situation but as a result of this abuse I think I was horribly neglected. I couldn't talk on the phone without her listening, she manipulated, and my very thoughts were scrutinized the entire time she lived with my husband and I. Her manipulation included taking pot-shots at me continuously in ways that would only be apparent to me and her - passive/aggressive? To everyone else she "appears" so sweet and nice but I'm the only daughter and noone knows what I have been through. She studied me for the entire year she was here and she learned from me how to be close to my children and Grandchildren and I yes I am resentful and angry that she took on my identity!! I wish I didn't feel like this - I continue to make sure she is taken care of and has a nice apartment now. My husband and I take her to church every Sunday and I try so hard to be a good daughter but I fall short due to how angry I feel.
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Hey, countrymouse, when you are in an abusive mother situation, you are torn between the ideal of the office of mother and the reality of this evil being who gave you her DNA. It's a hard place to be, trying to balance taking care of yourself and setting boundaries, and trying to satisfy societal expectations and the ideal of saintly motherhood. It is very hard to reconcile this without having close family who supports you, a therapist or two, and perhaps a prescription for antidepressants.
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My mthr and I (notice, she's missing something inside) parted ways 8 years before she needed major help. I worked a lot on my mental health in that time, and it was the healthiest time in my life. Then APS called, and I gained 10 lbs in the next month, just thinking about her. I understand your situation. I check into my online support group for my abuse issues on a daily basis!!

So we brought mthr "home", but took her straight to a memory care facility where she could not escape. I've gained another 30 lbs, and I'm in therapy, have her in a home, etc! I understand wanting to protect yourself from the evil.

You screwed up by allowing yours into your home. As Dr. Laura says, she tore up her mother card a long time ago - so it's time for you to grow a backbone! (Dr Laura's radio program can be listened to online pretty cheap if you need some extra support) I call my mthr her first name since I don't feel she is anything but a bio mom. That helps me with reality vs perceptions. And by referring to her as mthr in writing makes it plain that I'm not talking about the sweet one most people have. "When mothers were being passed out, I was in the wrong line."

You are going to have to get that woman out of your house. There are going to be several methods of good riddance. I searched this forum for evil mother threads, and they are out there. Ignore the sweet gals who make you feel like you are the bad one. They don't know what evil is. You need the hard line to protect yourself!

You can get that woman into the ER and admitted one way or another. A physical injury, suspected flu, or a threat to kill herself work equally well. Once she's in, you refuse to take her home, and the social worker will get her a placement. She may be on medicare, and a ward of the state, but that is ok - that is what they are there for, when people come to the end of their options. And she's done.

Don't give her the chance to accuse you of elder abuse. She will try if she is there long enough. You must get rid of her, the sooner the better. Prepare yourself. Document every thing. You can do this.
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I'm probably being too literal, but what I have real trouble with understanding is how you reconcile "my mother did something so dreadful years ago that it made me realise what a terrible person she was and sever the mother/daughter bond" with "then I let her move in with me out of a sense of duty." I don't see how both of those statements can be true. Either 'severance of bond' or 'sense of duty.' These, to me, are mutually exclusive concepts.

Does your mother know how you feel about her?
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Get her OUT. There is a poison in your home and it is going to eat you up. Too many caregivers die before their patients.
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I think you need to get out of this situation. I don't care if it means sending your mom somewhere, or hiring someone to come in and help, but you can't go on like this. If it isn't financially feasible to get help right now then you have to at least create a life for yourself away from your mom. Your mom sounds well enough to be at home by herself while you go out. Don't stop being active and don't stop being a part of the outside world. My mom holed herself up in her room and found comfort in food when she was caring for my grandma. My mom got sick and died before her own mother and my family feels the stress of looking after grandma contributed to her ailing health. I don't want to see any more caregivers go down this path.
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Forgiveness:

I would first say, forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. I personally do not define forgiveness as me absolving another of their sin against me. I do not feel I have that authority. I define it as asking the Lord not to hold their sins against them. After all, they all are ultimately against Him (of course, for those of a Xtian background; for those not, my apologies for any line crossing in trying to gently touch on the subject). I wouldn't want mine held against me and would want that peace of mind with the One who matters, so equally I pray he does not hold others against them. But doing this does not mean I have to be reconciled to them and especially if whatever the activity is, is continuing. Too many will say Love hardly notices a wrong done, but the key there is hardly. It didn't say we didn't notice at all. We try to look past it for as long as we can. But sometimes you have to walk away.

We all have an advocate with the Father who knows the details as intimately as we the individual does. So, you are not alone in understanding the circumstance. He knows it all too and more.

I don't know your situation but I do understand it in part from what you've shared. You're not alone.
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I very much agree with Veronica91 and it would make our lives much easier if we faced things the way she is suggesting. We get a lot ideas drilled into our heads about what we're supposed to think and do and it really does a number on us when we take care of a parent who has been cruel to us.
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Why does everyone think that they love these horrible women who gave birth to them while they freely admit they don't like them. I can understand the feeling of obligation to care for a mother because she gave them life but does love come into it when she ruins so many lives for her own selfish needs. I did not like my mother for most of my adult life and eventually concluded I did not love her either. I was really fortunate that she was independent up till the day of her death at age 69. There is no way I would have cared for her under any circumstances. I would have felt obligated to make sure she was safe and well taken care of but beyond that absolutely not. If this sounds harsh it was meant to be. People come on this site and tell the truth about themselves and their situations. If I am poking a stick in a hornets nest that was my intention so bring on your opinions.
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I am going through the exact same thing. I am so angry with my mother and I'm trapped with her, taking care of her, stuck in the bedroom like yourself; and I too am eating and wasting away.
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I was in the exact same situiation as you. My mom was in the care of my 2 younger sisters and she was HORRIBLE to them but put this great facade on that it was them and not her. Anyways things ended ugly with their living arrangements because mom told her home aides and others they were abusing and stealing from her. Next thing she gets removed from the house by Disabled protective services and I get a call....can mom stay with you?? What could i do? So my husband and I went and got her and she moved in with us and our 4 kids. She made life hell..she started saying i was stealing from her and it was the same scenario. My kids were miserable with her at our home because i was always taking care of her and could barely talk to them without her needing something. Finally it had to end..her social worker told her she needed more care than i can give which was true she would fall all day long and I could barely get her up. Now she is in a NH and still miserable and mean. At least I can go home to happiness though. Nomore tiptoeing up the stairs so she doesnt hear me and call my name for something. No more misery in my own home. She never wanted to care for her parents when they got ill and she had no small children or a job to worry about like i do. I felt guilty for a long time but I have learned I did what I could and accepted that I cant be everything to evryone.
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" Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent at throwing it at someone else, you're the one that gets burned." This is one of my favourite quotes, it has helped me over and over again. Maybe it will help you too :-)
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I'm in a similar situation but my mom doesn't live with me. I think for your own sanity the living situation needs to change and it will likely be better for your mom too. As far as forgiving her....you will or you wont and only on your time table. You're trying to be a "good" daughter and do the right thing and I commend you for that. I have a lot of resentment towards my mother and not really stemming from one particular event but her behavior towards family and friends other the last two years. She has said and done some things I haven't been able to forgive and she continues to be verbally abusive to this day. I do my best to do my "duty" and take her places that she likes to go and step up to the plate when there is a need. I love her but I don't feel loving towards her anymore. Do I feel a little bad about that...sure but I know enough now that I HAVE to take care of my emotional well being and if I don't I won't be able to do what is best for her when she needs more assistance. She will not be moving in with me anytime in the future. We would all be miserable! When the time comes I will stand my ground and do what is best for all of us. Don't be hard on yourself and don't stop caring for yourself. Read up on books about setting boundaries. It will help you to stand up for yourself without guilt.
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I'm in a similar situation but my mom doesn't live with me. I think for your own sanity the living situation needs to change and it will likely be better for your mom too. As far as forgiving her....you will or you wont and only on your time table. You're trying to be a "good" daughter and do the right thing and I commend you for that. I have a lot of resentment towards my mother and not really stemming from one particular event but her behavior towards family and friends other the last two years. She has said and done some things I haven't been able to forgive and she continues to be verbally abusive to this day. I do my best to do my "duty" and take her places that she likes to go and step up to the plate when there is a need. I love her but I don't feel loving towards her anymore. Do I feel a little bad about that...sure but I know enough now that I HAVE to take care of my emotional well being and if I don't I won't be able to do what is best for her when she needs more assistance. She will not be moving in with me anytime in the future. We would all be miserable! When the time comes I will stand my ground and do what is best for all of us. Don't be hard on yourself and don't stop caring for yourself. Read up on books about setting boundaries. It will help you to stand up for yourself without guilt.
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You can do you "duty" as a daughter, by finding her another place to live, she doesn't have to live with you. You can "care for her" by making sure someone else is taking care of her, in an assisted living or nursing home.
I understand that financially there may be "no place else for her to go". My heart hurts for you.
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To forgive or not to forgive, that sounds like a line from Shakespear but there are two parts to this forgiveness thing. Has she asked for your forgiveness? Is she repentant? Actions speak louder than words. she continues with the abuse to the extent that she has you in a state like frightened child hiding under the bed for fear of a parents wrath when they are in a drunken rage. follow the advice from others and get her out of the house. Did you invite her in in the first place?
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I, too, have a mother I could never live with, nor could my brother, as she would destroy our marriages and family life. There is no law that says you have to ruin your life by having your parent live with you. Thankfully my mother planned for her future care outside of our homes, but my husband's mother was unable to do that and the state was going to step in when her money ran out, which she passed from early onset dementia in her mid 60s, about a month before her money ran out. She was in a board and care home for a couple years prior to that. Please be kind to yourself, do what is best for yourself, and move your mom elsewhere. Call your county elder care associations and case workers and find out your options. There is help out there but you must seek it out.
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Boy, I would say that both of you (Texarkana and Sandy1951) need to get your moms out of your houses! If your moms are not nice people, there's no sense in subjecting yourselves to their bad behavior (even if it's in the past). Do what you can to get them situated in a place where they can be taken care of. Nowhere is it written that we have to give up our lives or our mental and physical health to rescue parents who have treated us poorly and are still ungrateful. Set limits and get them out of your homes! You deserve your own lives and happiness!
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I live in a similar situation. My child hood was far from good. My brother (deceased just one year) and I went thru hell. My Mom couldn't take care of herself in Buffalo, and called me at work; I left and drove 4 hours to bring her to my house. Three months later my husband died, and I am alone to deal with her wrath. MONEY...everything is money. I steal from her, I have a secret bank account, on and on. She is nasty verbally, and I do not hold back any more. She calls me a whore, a bitch, a slut. I had to retire to deal with this, and I am not doing well. Someone talk to me???????
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texarkana I can understand how you are feeling. Some horrific situations are just too painful to accept and forgive. It would be so much better if your mother lived elsewhere, but that may not be possible for whatever reason. I can't offer any solutions, but I do empathize your feelings. Keep posting, it helps to vent.
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Wow. This is rough. I understand what the others are saying about the f-word (not the four letter one) .. and, I'd say they're not entirely wrong. I was repeatedly raped when I was a child by a trusted family friend. I was in my early 30's before I got my shit together enough to face it and nearer to 40 when I decided that the guy had robbed me of enough of my life and took away the power he'd held over me all those years .. (and I know this will not sit well with some, but it worked for me) .. by embracing the experience and speaking sincere thanks for the experience as being a base of the woman I am today. What I found was gratitude for my life.

Huge caveat. I wasn't living with the SOB. And, it took me 35 years to get there. With a lot of effort, support and just plain old grit. If I were in your shoes, I couldn't help but say, "Look, I know you're my parent and I'm your kid. The connection ends there. I will no longer subject myself to your whim and will. I'll help you find other resources, but you must move, and then we're done. I want my life and my house back." I wouldn't know any other way to do it. Matter of fact, I've done with all but two members of my family.

I wish you great strength to get through this time. Blessings.

Love, Laugh, Learn
LadeeC
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texarkana, though it may be good to forgive your mother, it doesn't mean you have to live with her. In fact, it may be easier to forgive if she weren't there reopening the wound every day. Is there a reason that she is living with you, instead of in her own place? If you are miserable, she probably is, too. It may be time to live in separate homes. She can live close enough so you can still help, but you'll be able to breathe in your own house again.
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This situation is almost a mirror of what I went through. All the kind sentiments about forgiving are well meant, but that sort of forgiveness comes on its own and cannot be forced. Sometimes it never comes. There is nothing wrong with refusing to absolve someone of something they did.

However, actively holding on to the pain of the past is poison and will only make you a tired and bitter person. A person can move on from the past without forgiving the people who caused them pain.

I lived a nearly identical situation; I hid in a bedroom and developed really bad habits to deal with the stress and abuse that comes with caring for someone who is selfish. In the end, I just had to set hard boundaries and brace myself for the storm that followed.

This really is an unpleasant situation. I'm sure your mother knows exactly what to say and how to say it in order to manipulate you, and these patterns were set a long time ago. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. You have to set rules, and adopt the stance of "if you don't like my rules, the door is over there".
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Hmm. I could be way off base here, but... here goes.

This is a sensitive topic, clearly. I actually agree that, sometimes, forgiveness seems like an impossible standard to achieve. What I, personally, have found VERY helpful is Compassion. Even if I can't forgive my parents for the abuse (and I believe there IS abuse, and parents, that is/are simply unforgivable... I believe this...), I can feel Compassion towards them, and see them as the mentally flawed and fallible creatures they are. I also learned from an extremely academic/scientific lecture I watched on the internet that Compassion is the opposite emotion of Anger. That's not "psycho-babble," apparently its scientific fact. (The lecture was about a study into how stress works, on a chemical and DNA level, in our minds/bodies, very fascinating stuff.) So when I begin to feel anger and resentment towards Family, I then turn on my Compassionate side... and I look for the ways to see my aging father as a very vulnerable man, whose life is soon over, who has left a legacy of being neglectful of his children, abusive to me, and a general PITA (google it, lol) to anyone unfortunate enough to be close to him. And I can feel a bit of pity for him... And as long as I stay out of the Anger/Resentment zone, I'm ok.

Texarkana, I think it really helps to get involved in group therapy, as well. There may be something in your area? Either a caregivers group, or there are also groups for children of Narcissistic Parents in larger cities... maybe you can find an online group? I think being able to talk about the situation and gain healing from/with your fellows would be a good thing. Good luck. I certainly sympathize with you.
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A few more posts and my Forgiveness Fascism Bingo card will be full.
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I think forgiveness is essential here. I personally know that it is very difficult to do. She should find mo a new place to live. This is no way to live. Sue I don't know what mom did. I assume it was something really bad. But forgiveness is for the victim, not the perp. Just find mom a new place to live, forgive her and if you like never see her again.
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No Perserverance, YOU do not get to decide what is right for OTHER people's emotional health. Especially when you don't have anywhere near the full story. Whatever happened in YOUR situation does not necessarily apply to anyone else's. People heal in all kinds of ways.
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Unforgiveness hurts the unforgiver more than the unforgiven. Might be easier if she wasn't living with you. Anger within you hurts you and only you.. I would get her out of my house asap.. You have a duty to yourself as well. Good luck.
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Sorry, Margarets, forgiveness is ESSENTIAL for healing for the victim. It does not mean TRUST the abuser. It means to forgive them and not harbor resentment and bitterness which defile many. Trust me, I have been victimized beyond measure - and I have forgiven my abuserS and been set free. God will deal with those who remain wicked.
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