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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Nikejean, I pray that you find the answer that fits you. But if it were me, I would put mom in facility that best suits her needs. At 67 it's time for you to take care of you. My mom's health started declining after she took care of a terminally ill cousin, sister-in-law, and brother. She didn't realize that she, too, was ill. After seeing about all of them her heart just gave out and required open heart surgery.
My point is. ...do what's best for YOU and mom. You are no good to her if you are tired and worn out. You can't do it all.
I appreciate the comments. Here is some additional information. My mother is 97 years and I am 68. I have been raised from a very young child to be the caretaker of my family. My younger brother (18 months younger) was sickly from the time he was born. I was told to take care of him then I had another brother 11 years later also with many health issues. I took care of them and all of the doctors appointments that they had from a very young age, my dad worked every day except Sunday and I was not allowed to have any friends unless they were family. It was the rule. I feel into that trap and took care of both of my brothers until they died. I also gladly took care of my dad during his illness until he passed away. On top of the fact that I was a single mother with 3 children, one of which was deaf and Cerebral palsied probably due to rubella during my first trimester. I actually do not know how to be anything else but be a caregiver. I am stuck, I have tried therapy to no avail and feel frustrated, and have often feel that I want to disappear, run away or not exist anymore. My mom has a Thyroid condition, Parkinsons, some moderate dementia, she still goes to the bathroom and feeds herself. She is very demanding and wants me to be around her every minute and answer her immediately or she keeps calling me every few seconds until I come to her. I have no regular help and no one to talk to. My grandson who is 17 tries to assist me whenever he can and so does my deaf son-in-law but he has to help my daughter who in addition to CP has developed OCD and Agoraphobia and is housebound. My other two children who could help me live far away. I love my mom but do not like her alot due to these responsibilities she placed on me from a young child. I need some time to myself and some friends and am at a lose as how to go and do this. I have read all the comments and I have thought about these the past. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to have a caretaker come in and I had to put one of my brothers in a nursing home when I couldn't care for him anymore and the homes were horrible. The care was terrible and the smells were disgusting. I understand all of these things intellectually but emotionally I am not able to move on.
Yes, sometimes I am a pigeon and other times a statue. But, life goes on. Recall the pleasant moments, exercise, and meditate or pray. Talk to a friend who is a good listener, share your thoughts with an understanding doctor, take meds as needed. In due time, the stress-producing ill feelings will pass. Good Luck! Gene
Babalon...You are so right. I'd like the critics to walk just one mile in my shoes. They don't know the half of what I have deal with. My mom is the perfect angel at church. She can really fool the public. But when we're home she's just the opposite. If I say her, she says haw. The outsiders just don't get it. As for as they know, I am just the mean old daughter that wants to put her mother away.
They forget that I am the same daughter that took both my mom and dad in when they were flooded out their home. My dad was terminally ill and died a few months later. I helped my mom put the house back together. She begged me to move in with her. So I got rid of my place and moved in with my mom who was afraid to live alone. We've been together harmoniously now for 19 years. We did everything and went everywhere together. The time has come when we must part. I'm 57 and she's 87. She needs AL. I am NOT going to feel guilty for putting her there. I am not throwing her away. I am putting her in a place where she can get the best possible round the clock care. AND I don't care how anyone else feels about it because I have been a good, faithful and dedicated daughter.
And, Dee...as I'm sure you already know...no matter what you do...there will always be a critic or two waiting to interrogate. And usually it is someone without any first hand experience in the matter whatsoever. No one is ever truly understanding of what a caregiver must go through until they become one, themselves. I had a good idea but still there are things that you never think about that come up and nuances of it that you'd never guess, at least from my experience. It is one of those situations that you have to live to understand. And there is no cookie cutter scenario or option set. It is a brand new 'adventure' each and every time because every elder is a unique individual as is every caregiver. Then add in situation. A new batch of cookies every time.
I felt guilty at first. People always say to me why are you putting her in a facility. It's because I have to work. Even if I hire a caretaker during the day, I'm tired after work but everything is on me still. My siblings always have something else to do. So it's all on me. Oh did I mentioned that my siblings are men? As soon as I started to look into a facility they wanted to grumble. So no, I don't feel guilty. I want to have peace of mind, free time and less worrying like everyone else.
My mom has passed now, but I've been where you are. I really think that guilt is a part of any bad situation. Humans tend to blame themselves, often for things outside their control. You are doing the best you are able to do. Remind yourself often not to feel guilty for what you are unable to do.
I agree that taking care of Mom does not have to mean doing every physical thing for her. It means looking out for her welfare. I love my mom, but I don't like her a lot and she wears me out. I spend a tremendous amount of time and effort and thought managing things for her to have visits from me, paid companions, a nice environment, good medical care, and a good quality AL. Yes, I feel sick with guily at not taking her into my home, but bc I planned for it she can be in this fancy AL instead of some dump. I also know that if I tried to move her into my house (a) my husband would stroke out from high blood pressure, (b) I would go nuts from her constant demands and moods, (c) we'd have to get in-home care bc we both work and then money would run out, (d) eventually her needs would exceed what we could manage anyway. Thankfully, many people have commented on how much I do for her and I am learning to not let the guilt be in charge because I AM taking care of Mom, but I am also taking care of me and my husband. Mom has had 85 pretty good years and taking care of her does not mean giving our lives to her.
Thank you much Babalon 1919. this thought never crossed my mind before but you are so correct... hope that it helps the others as much as it has helped me... Not sure where or when but at least this is a well planted seed.
And 'taking care' of someone does not automatically obligate you to do it all...you promised to make sure she was taken care of and so just make sure she is. There are a myriad of ways this can be done toward the optimum level of care possible. Safety and quality of life are the priorities....and your life is just as important as hers...and I think even your dad would agree. If your life sucks, then probably hers is following suit. Do whatever it is that will make it not so for the both of you. That will be keeping your word to your dad.
Frankly, it doesn't matter what you promised. Where is your heart and what can you realistically do that you are not already doing? What are you doing that is creating the stress, and/or the guilt? I understand caregiving is extremely stressful, and frankly only truly understood by those that are providing the care, and have done so for months to years on end. Start to surround yourself with those that have and/or are experiencing this journey. However, need more information as to your particular situation. Marco40
There is nothing wrong with no being able to handle the stresses of caregiving. Be kind to yourself. A promise made to your dad does not equate to reality. Caregiving is THE most difficult job next to being a parent, and you become that parent to someone who has dementia because the parent becomes child-like. Start researching other options for your mom so she can be taken care of and you get some respite. Do not feel guilty, you do not need to beat yourself up over this situation. You being this stressed does not do your mom any good. Take care of yourself first and find other resources. Best wishes.
I agree....tell us more about your situation.... but I have the exact same situation. The promise to my father looms large for me... and my mother and I always got along. However, her vascular dementia has changed her personality some... no - a great deal. And that makes it difficult...very difficult. My mother lives with us... as does my partner's mother. So we have a lively house. Not knowing more about your situation, I have found the only way to REDUCE the stress is to hire a caregiver you can trust to do all the things you need while they are there.. and then assert yourself in doing some of the things in your life that you are missing out on because of the presence of your mother. Hope this helps...
If you're comfortable sharing a little more information with us you'll get more responses and more support.
Do you live with your mom? How old is she? Is she sick? How long have you been caring for your mom? What is the most stressful part for you? Did you promise your dad on his deathbed?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My point is. ...do what's best for YOU and mom. You are no good to her if you are tired and worn out. You can't do it all.
They forget that I am the same daughter that took both my mom and dad in when they were flooded out their home. My dad was terminally ill and died a few months later. I helped my mom put the house back together. She begged me to move in with her. So I got rid of my place and moved in with my mom who was afraid to live alone. We've been together harmoniously now for 19 years. We did everything and went everywhere together. The time has come when we must part. I'm 57 and she's 87. She needs AL. I am NOT going to feel guilty for putting her there. I am not throwing her away. I am putting her in a place where she can get the best possible round the clock care. AND I don't care how anyone else feels about it because I have been a good, faithful and dedicated daughter.
Frankly, it doesn't matter what you promised. Where is your heart and what can you realistically do that you are not already doing? What are you doing that is creating the stress, and/or the guilt? I understand caregiving is extremely stressful, and frankly only truly understood by those that are providing the care, and have done so for months to years on end. Start to surround yourself with those that have and/or are experiencing this journey. However, need more information as to your particular situation. Marco40
Do you live with your mom? How old is she? Is she sick? How long have you been caring for your mom? What is the most stressful part for you? Did you promise your dad on his deathbed?