I used to be a nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. The one thing people always said about me is that I was kind. Now I am angry, resentful, exhausted, trapped with no way out, and feel completely powerless in this situation with an old man who calls all the shots, an absent brother in law who runs my house through his father, and my husband who keeps promising the earth but when it comes down to it only ever does what makes his dad happy. The only way to save myself from becoming completley embittered and horrid is to get out and I am so angry that I have to give up my home, my life, my marriage because of this man and nobody, nobody gets it.
I can't do this caregiving thing. I take my hats off to those of you who do, and I have enormous respect for you, but I can't do this manipulation and meanness any longer. It is not right, its not natural, and I am heart broken that I am the bad, disgusting, awful person when these three men have just taken every good thing that I offered and twisted my life into this unrecognizable shape.
I used to be a nice person. Maybe one day I will find her again, but I am really becoming scared of who I will become if I stay here.
I know its burn out. You know its burn out. The people here? Just shut up and get on with it, and then life can be happy again. The only problem in life is YOU. Ah man. How did it get to be that such a compassionate act sincerely meant ended up this way and got me into this mess?
Jump in.... Seriously .......
Do your sons live there too? I would call your adult protective services and tell them he lives alone and can't take care of himself..
Look on line for a caregiver support group in your area..
Hugs to you.. Keep searching on this site for support and comfort. Many of us here are burnt out also..
Heres what id do and i think another person here did this LEAVE tell your husband that unless he grows up and starts to appreciate and care for YOU that you wont be back!
Go to to a hotel,friend or whoever but just get away then see what happens your husband will wake up and you can save your marraige OR you will have your answer.
How would he have felt if this was HIS MIL? Also try therapy "in sickness and in health" and you will get ill from this stress!
No way would i put up with this behaviour like your living in some "mens club" and your opinion dosnt count would i heck!
The people most involved in your life -- at least as you've given us to understand -- do not seem to value you as you should be valued.
Do not let them, or anyone, undermine the way you value yourself. You ARE that kind and gentlewoman -- in the present tense, not in the past. You are still she. It's just that you've been subjected to psychological violence.
Be good to yourself, Susan. If you had a friend in this situation, you would tell him/her to step away; be that friend to yourself. Allow yourself to be restored.
Those of us familiar with psychological violence understand and support you.
On a 3"x5" card he wrote;
"I'm not happy. You're not happy. It's over."
Holding this in the palm of his hand he walked up to her, delivered his lines, and then repeated those, and nothing else to the ensuing tirade of profanity and physical abuse. She threw the furniture all over the apt & out the window, attacked him, and called the cops (accusing him of abuse, of course -- he is a big guy, she was small -- she figured she had him nailed).
The cops walked in, looked at the apt, looked at him ("She needs to go, or I can go -- I don't care which"), looked at her (still screaming abuse) and hauled her away.
OK, so that's the really long way of saying "This isn't working for you". It doesn't matter if the 3 of them are all happy, because you are not. So...on the 3"x5" card.....
"I am not happy. Things WILL NOT continue as they are.
He can leave, or I will leave---and I don't care which."
For what it is worth, at assisted living or a care facility your FIL may behave much better.Trained professionals are sometimes better equipped to deal with his types behaviors, in part because they don't take it personally. He would not be the first cantankerous old man they had dealt with.
So, in the light-hearted fantasy realm -- Are there any long-distance relatives who might suddenly "need" care for the next few weeks? Just saying that if hubby has to deal with his Dad alone for awhile it might help him decide which of you he'd rather live with for the next 10 years...meanwhile you and your great-aunt's niece twice-removed (aka your best friend from high school who lives 3 states away) could have a lovely time shopping, gardening, drinking tea and watching old comedies while she "recuperates" from her "emergency surgery". I'm not generally a promoter of inventing stories, but it IS fun to think about... .
Susan I have been wondering how you are doing in your very difficult situation. I agree that fil has to move out. Hope the paper work to get him the aid he needs so he can move out is coming together. Keep us updated!
(((((Hugs)))))
I too had started out well meaning etc. I actually gave up my home of 37 years and rented it out to my daughter, son-in-law and grand kids. (for practically nothing I might add) All of this was of course my husband's idea.
"Grandpa" started out all sweet and nice, glad to have the company and us on his leash. We moved into HIS home.
I began to feel out of place, alienated from family and friends, and a prisoner in somebody else's home.
"Grandpa" was totally oblivious to cleanliness in any form, never washed his hands even after the bathroom. He stunk to high heaven from the rear if you get my drift. He took a shower once a week. His bathroom habits were atrocious and I could go on and on. Oh and he never stopped talking, same thing over and over day after day till I could scream.
Finally one day after way too much of this crap it got real ugly. I started screaming at "Grandpa" he couldn't do anything right. I was at my wits end.
I finally went to a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist, ended up on anti-depressants, realized I was putting everyone ahead of myself. It was ruining my health, I kept gaining weight, and almost went bonkers!
I did leave. I had somewhere to go, so it was great. I have been at peace. My husband is totally confused as to why I haven't returned after 8 months. I guess he thought it was just a threat, that I was leaving. SURPRISE!!
I now have peace, I go back to visit "Grandpa" long enough to fill his medication containers and drop off food.
It's Heaven now. It was SO hard to do, just leave, but it was the best decision I've made for myself ever in my life.
Please don't torture yourself. You deserve a life too. This dude is not YOUR father. Hang in there take one step at a time and break free.
Maybe in time your husband will get the hint, you are not his father's slave, neither are you his.
HUGS,
Cara
I do not like the person I have become in the past few months since my mom has developed signs of dementia. I have had my mother living with me for the last 28 years (she's now 96 years old.) She has shown signs of dementia the past few months, has begun swearing and is recently combative. I got her to sign a POA about two months ago when she was still lucid. Her behavior during the night is upsetting as she gets up, takes a shower and washes her hair at 4:00 am. Or she will get up at 3:00 am and take the bottom sheet off her bed, remake her bed and come out dressed and begin fixing her breakfast. Or she may just get up at 2:00 am, get dressed and start fixing her breakfast... and may do it again at 5:00 am. I am divorced and both my siblings passed away several years ago, so I am her only caregiver.... and always have been as neither my brother or sister ever helped me care for mom. I have trouble sleeping so these night-time activities are making me walk around sleep-deprived during the day . She is unsteady on her feet and refuses to use a walker (says she only needs a cane,) so I'm afraid to leave her alone to even do grocery shopping, banking, etc.
She still handled her own checking account until recently. I found that she had written a check where she wrote the date, but then crossed out the year, wrote the figure for $140, then wrote over that number and made it $290 (but she signed her full name under the new figure,) then on the line where you spell out the amount, she wrote "Five Hundred and Ninety Dollars.
I finally told her she has to go into an assisted living because I can't deal with this any longer. I'm 71 and it is taking a toll on my health. She swears and screams at me and says, "Now that you have that POA and have taken all my money, you just want to kick me out!" I showed her her checkbook and that her money is still there, but she doesn't believe me.
My doctor loaned me a book last week called "The 36-Hour Day." It gives caregivers guidance when they have to make difficult decisions. Also explains why you shouldn't feel guilty when you need to make tough decisions. It's a guide to caring for persons with Dementia, Alzheimer's, and memory loss in later life.
I wish you only the best Susan in dealing with your problems. You need to do what is best for you... no one else in your house seems to care about YOU! My prayers are with you my dear!
Sometimes I feel like loading up my car in the middle of the night and running away. Then someone else would have to step in for a change. I spend my time listening to my Mom talk, talk, talk. I've heard the stories 1001 times.
Don't feel guilty. The biggest guilt I have is not spending more time with my husband (I still worked) before he passed. I miss him so much and realize what a saint he was to put up with my Mom and her bossy, dominating ways .... all those many years.
I live with a man who lost his mom when he was 9 years old. He reminded me every day how lucky I was to have a demanding mom when I was 59!
We have to keep perspective in all things....
Thank you for reminding us all of the gifts we have.
My brother always says, when faced with a fork in the road, always take the more challenging path. Let's all live our lives "fully"... and always take the more challenging path!
I'm thinking that CPEGASO94 may be on to something with the passivity of the sons in dealing with their dad's crap. The holds are not always directly economic. In our case, my MIL still wields control over some family business/heritage (it's complicated) matters that make standing up to her more difficult than it ought to be. I should have seen the handwriting on the wall decades ago as I watched all of the family tolerate her tirades that hung just this side of verbal abuse and her chronic alcoholism. Granted, I'm not sure that even now I can think of an action plan that would have been better. What I know now about my husband's family (and what I suspect may be operating in Susan26's) is that we are dealing with some level of a narcissistic personality. The web of control such a personality weaves keeps everyone in range of it off balance and constantly self guessing. Narcissists do not change; they become more so. Know this, and shield yourself!
Stay in touch and do vent here when you need to do so. We ALL understand!