I used to be a nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. The one thing people always said about me is that I was kind. Now I am angry, resentful, exhausted, trapped with no way out, and feel completely powerless in this situation with an old man who calls all the shots, an absent brother in law who runs my house through his father, and my husband who keeps promising the earth but when it comes down to it only ever does what makes his dad happy. The only way to save myself from becoming completley embittered and horrid is to get out and I am so angry that I have to give up my home, my life, my marriage because of this man and nobody, nobody gets it.
I can't do this caregiving thing. I take my hats off to those of you who do, and I have enormous respect for you, but I can't do this manipulation and meanness any longer. It is not right, its not natural, and I am heart broken that I am the bad, disgusting, awful person when these three men have just taken every good thing that I offered and twisted my life into this unrecognizable shape.
I used to be a nice person. Maybe one day I will find her again, but I am really becoming scared of who I will become if I stay here.
I know its burn out. You know its burn out. The people here? Just shut up and get on with it, and then life can be happy again. The only problem in life is YOU. Ah man. How did it get to be that such a compassionate act sincerely meant ended up this way and got me into this mess?
I too am a angry, short tempered caregiver. But I've learned it's my situation, not me. My Mom is 91. Every day is the same thing...repeating the answers to questions over and over. We go in circles. She can be snotty. And I can feel like I have no power, no control. But I get control in tiny ways...like using her favorite cookies as a bribe. It's exhausting. My priest is in the same boat, and he's been a great source of understanding and so are my friends and even our neighbors. You wouldn't believe how many of us are in the same boat. Folks in line at the pharmacy have the same problem. Come chat here....we know exactly what you're going through!
Anksana-Moon
Is there a way you can exit the scene temporarily, to give everyone a reality check? Go visit a kind, understanding friend or relative for a week. Give the men a phone number to call for in-home help. They can arrange to have someone do, for many $$, what you have been doing for free all this time.
Smile, say bye-bye for now, and go away. Do NOT feel guilty. You are NOT out to hurt anyone, but to heal the hurt that is eating away inside of you.
And talk to a counselor. There is a free hotline you can call with the Alzheimer's Association, available 24/7. It doesn't matter if FIL has been diagnosed with dementia or not, YOU are in need of support. It's out there and you deserve every bit of it.
Please let us know how you are doing. You are not alone, and bravo to you for posting this discussion...that is a wonderful first step towards regaining your health and your self-respect.
You have nothing to apologize for, rather you are the one owed an apology. Consider, did your husband ask you to stay, apologize for not providing you with the help and support you need, and promise to be more supportive in the future? Did he ask you to stay because you are the focus of his life and he can't imagine life without you or because it would be difficult and expensive to replace you with a paid caregiver for his father?
You deserve to be treated better than you have been. Please consider your wellbeing first.
You are right and honest, we are all different, some have natures who are carers and some are not. You are born with a lot of that characterisations....
Men want the easy road, it is always that way, don't rock the boat, put your head in the sand. Well let them!
Get a nice little live in job somewhere, give them your tel no only, and not your address, there's always work in the summer, and kick off your shoes and smell many roses.
I cannot tell you what our family members have done to us. We cared for Mum and Dad from 1977 to 2007 and then, when she was on last legs and had cancer and dementia they not only made her change her will, but had her sign the most awful statement, full of lies but she was away with it. Poor poor soul.....
I don't see why your husband insists that you apologize. You aren't the wrongdoer in this scenario. Your husband has shown you where you belong on his Top 10 list and it isn't #1. That is truly sad for you. If you want your marriage to work, I sincerely hope it does. But unless your husband recognizes that his priorities are askew, you will never be 1. You will be settling. I decided life was too short to settle for anything less.
Did your husband say that he will try to see Your Side and be willing to be united with you when his father is "at the wrong."
To me, it does not matter if his father has dementia or not. If he has dementia, will your husband really put his foot down or keep letting him slide because "he's sick." ?
Otherwise, you will be back to square one. You need support. Is your husband willing to help you out?
Plus, I don't see why you have to apologize to fil. If you were playing a practical joke, yes. But you were serious and they need to realize this. Otherwise, they will walk all over you again, and again...
Yes...one step at a time...
my husband has asked me to stay ... and apologise to fil for having a melt down and tellinghim i was going,as now he feels its all his fault and thats not fair. i have refused to apologise until i know that this is dementia for sure, and not the mean manipulations of an angry old man.... and until there is a doctors verdict then hubby won't raise the dementia issue with him. and so we go, round and round in circles. now on anti depressants, and looking for work. first step first. thank you for your support everyone. thank you for understanding.
I know that I'm rambling but I just wanted yo to know that I understand your need (before) to stay and try to work out your marriage. But I just wanted you to know that I don't care for how you're being treated by all 3 men. People (family members) just don't seem to Understand what we caregivers do for them and the dementia person. They think it's our Duty and Obligation to do it - no matter what! I had reached the same point as you have - last year June. Something got to give. I decided I would (except I was thinking the more permanent kind, the most final thing anyone can do with their life.)
Susan, only you can determine where to draw the line with your husband and marriage. Yes, you may have put so much years and effort into it. But, having fil move in, and seeing the true personality of your husband is an eye opener. With the way you described how you have changed - Sometimes, in life, you just have to walk away. I'm soooo sorry. Do what you have to do. I will be thinking of you.