In a major funk... my mom was injured when I was 11, so I took care of my brother until he graduated high school. Dad was on the railroad for WEEKS at a time, so I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc. All that time I was told I was worthless. When my brother left, I was disowned. 35 years later...suddenly I am no longer worthless, HOWEVER, my brother refuses to care for our parents, and once again I am cooking, cleaning, overseeing meds, dr. appts., physical therapy, telemarketers, car maintenance, did the dog pee on the carpet- or was it the imaginary pink elephant. So very bummed. I had 2 marriages, both crashed and burned. Dad is a remote pillar of ice (lord love him - very healthy at least) mom's family lives to be in their late 90's and older. great.
All I keep thinking, over and over again...will I be taking care of people forever? Will anyone take care of me? I.am.so.tired. only 50 years to go.
How do I take a week vacation, secure in the knowledge that if she burns down the house to eliminate the pink elephants, that my father & brother will actually help, instead of saying "she has to learn these things" "we can't wait on her hand & foot" "if we don't answer, she'll get over it".
so.very.tired. thank the Lord she doesn't know how to text. The bell is bad enough.
That does not mean I have low self esteem or a "victim" mentality. It means I am a RESPONSIBLE person. It seems that there is usually one child that ends up stuck in the position of either giving up their life to provide care or live with knowing the parent is not getting what they truly need.
The sacrifices I have made are met with an occasional thank you from my brother, but I would much rather be the one giving out the "thank you" and having a life.
I wish all fellow care-givers the best.
The only one in need is you-to have a life of your own.
Serving others is not a bad thing, but being used is. It sounds to me like the only thing your parents need is someone to come in to do the medications and maybe meals on wheels. Your mother and father sound capable of doing the rest.
If your life is anything like mine, you've made some bad decisions (e.g. choice of husbands) along the way. You can make some good ones now while you are still young enough to benefit from them. Don't let yourself be used by people who are able to care for themselves. You have your own life and are very important.
If you really want to, you can change your mind and make different choices. Really. It may be very difficult for you, especially if, as Christina suggests, you wear raised to be a slave. But even then you can make new choices.
Your parents are in their early 60s. This could go on for another 30 - 35 years. Is it your choice to live for them for that long?
Perhaps you can start by making small choices to improve you situation. Make sure your insurance is fully paid up and take a two-week vacation.
Decide that you are not going to do things for your mother that healthy Dad could be doing, or that she could be doing herself.
Decide that you are cooking three weeknights and one weekend day. That's it.
Decide that you are only washing your own laundry.
Make small decisions to improve your situation. Or make a big decision to change your situation entirely. But do recognize that you have choices.
Your Dad made the decision that Mom doesn't need to be waited on hand and foot. You decided she does need that and you are the one doing the waiting. Why should you have more authority over what she needs than her husband does? Your Dad decided that if her every demand isn't met she'll get over it. It is you, apparently, who have made a different decision.
You are doing what you decided to do. Not happy? Make different decisions.
My family doesn't have anything to do with me until there is a problem and then they want me to solve it. When mom needed a caregiver it was me not them to the rescue.
I just feel like the problem solver and like they abuse me. So I understand how you feel, just take some time for yourself, many of us on here feel the same way.
You aren't alone. This happens all the time as sad as it is. Set your boundaries, get some respite as in "vacation", clear your head and then see if you want to continue on this road to ruin. Life is too short to waste being as unhappy as you are now.
as far as your current situation, what im finding is that IF I am in sight, they seems to need more help. so IF I make myself scarce, they can get along a little better. hummmm..... so I turn my back or walk away and then I decide I am needed and for some reason wont let myself trust that im not, really. how can you know that if you've spent your entire life first being trained, and then training yourself? sounds like you got some YOU stuff to figure out. If you don't find some kind of boundaries, your body will help you and then something will happen to stop you. Its easier though on everyone (and sinks in better) if you know you are pulling back because YOU DESERVE IT.... Go ahead.. btich...cry...scream... then pull up your big girl panties and deal with it... signed.... been there.... my mother died when I was 8; had 2 brothers younger than me.. been there.... its awfully hard work but you CAN DO IT!!!!
I feel sorry for your lack of autonomy; become your own person. Good Luck.
I know - just needed to vent and feel sorry for myself today....suck it up Jenny, you can do this.