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🙂 
The path to inner peace begins with 3 words:
not my problem.
(4)
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I'm awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
(4)
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10 am — anything is possible
2 pm — but not today
(3)
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😳 I burn most of my calories by rolling my eyes.
(1)
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--Relax David, it's just a small surgery, don't panic.

--But doctor, my name isn't David...

--I know. I am David.
(4)
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2016: didn't jog
2017: didn't jog
2018: didn't jog
2019: didn't jog
2020: didn't jog
2021: didn't jog
2022: didn't jog
2023: didn't jog
2024: still haven't jogged

This is a running joke.
(3)
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Does it count as saving someone's life
if you just refrain from killing them?
(2)
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I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
(3)
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There are 7 billion people in the world.
I like 6 of you.
(1)
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🙂 If you like someone, set them free.
If they come back, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
(1)
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🙂 On a scale from 0-10, how focused are you?

Banana.
(1)
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Making fun of someone you're angry with
is childish.
Be an adult and hit them with your car.
(2)
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🙂 I'm a leader, not a follower,
unless it's dark. Then you're going first.
(2)
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🙂 I care deeply about like 7 people in my life,
and about 400-600 dogs on the internet that I've never met.
(1)
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🙂
"I'd like people more
if they were cats instead."
(3)
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You can teach a cat to do anything

that it wants to do.
(2)
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Brain

For sale, barely used.
(2)
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🙂
"My brain cells will die
if I have to talk to you."
(1)
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🙂
“I don't care if we don't talk. Your existence still irritates me."
(1)
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🙂
“Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.”
(1)
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“Told you so.”

Sincerely,

Your intuition
(5)
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“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.”
(4)
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“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
(4)
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I may look fine
but deep down
I don't remember
any of my passwords.
(5)
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Family member: What are you doing with you life?

Me: It's a surprise.
(3)
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New Year's Resolution:
1. Get finances in order
2. Get finances
(2)
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🙂

I think it's about time I had unlimited money.
(2)
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🙂

“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.”
(3)
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🤪😜🤯

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
(2)
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🙂

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."
(1)
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