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"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." 
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🙃🙃🙃

“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”
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🙂 I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead.
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🙂 When I die, I want my last words to be, “I left $1 million under the
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Not a joke, kind of funny, but not sure where else to put this. And I have to tell someone, but someone that doesn't know the person that said this

I got a text last night from a friend that said. Wow, 911 is on 9/11 this year.

In her defense she had a brain injury years ago from a bad car accident
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Well aren’t you a waste of 2 billion years of evolution.
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🙂 My guess is:
you haven’t been diagnosed yet.
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🙂 I’m actually weirder
thank you think.
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I’d like to offer moral support
but I have questionable morals.
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🙂 If you figure me out
I want an explanation.
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🙂 I have terrible ideas
if you need any.
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Once you've read the dictionary
every book you read is a remix.
🙂
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Everything I like is either fattening, expensive or won't text me.
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Every once in a while
I check up on people I hate
to make sure I still hate them.
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🙂 Pizza is not a matter of life and death.
It's much more important than that.
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Diet is eating food that makes you sad...
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When you find out that someone hates the same person as you:
The beginning of a long, long friendship.
🙂
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Sorry, I am not Adele.
I don't wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you.
I do however want to set fire on all your stuff!
🙂
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🙂
(Cat stares at wall. His owner looks at him.)

Cat:
Fun fact: If you stare at the wall long enough, your owner will think you can see a ghost.
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Are pizza restaurant in town, now has cards they punch, buy so many get one free.

My husband didn't know it. He paid the young girl said, " do you want a punch"

Husband was like WHAT
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Heads up! The following is probably not to everyone's taste or liking. If you are easily offended stop reading now.


I read a Tshirt at the rodeo over labor day that made me think of some of the seniors I read about here. It said:

You are as pleasant as an itchy butthole.

I often use humor to deal with challenging people and situations and this has gone through my mind more than once in the last week or so. Hope others get a giggle from it.
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Every time a door closes, and another door opens,
you are likely in prison.
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How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? It depends on whether you see it later or after a while.
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Two helium atoms walk into a bar.
He He :)
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Every time someone says "If I don't see you again, have a great weekend" I respond with "Well, what kind of weekend should I have if you DO see me again?" 🙂
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I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get "saved" or else you will "burn".

Stupid firemen.
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Dad: Did you know that the people living nearby actually can't be buried in that cemetery?

Kid: Why?

Dad: Because they're not dead yet.
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🙂 "I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!"
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"If a child doesn't want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"

It's a crime either way cos if they go willingly, you end up with a kid napping.
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"Anyone can get buried when they die, if you want to be cremated you have to urn it."
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