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How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? Zero the ex-wife got the house.
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You know, 50% of marriages fail, but divorce, divorce is forever!
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Whenever someone invites me over to their house
and there are more than a couple of cars outside,

I drive right on by
because it could be an intervention.
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I used to love long walks on the beach with my boyfriend.

Until the LSD wears off and I realized I am dragging a stolen mannequin
around the Denny's parking lot, and there are red and blue flashing lights 🚓
not fireworks. 🧨️🎇
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A burglar stole all my lamps. I should be upset but I am delighted.

A woman is watching a movie at the theater, when the people in front of start talking. She taps one on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, but I can't hear."
The person scowls and says, "I should hope not. This is a private conversation."

I would tell some jokes about circles but they're pointless
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I bought a new Ipad and named it Titanic. Now when I plug it in to my laptop, it says "Titanic is syncing".

Why did the duck fall in love with the dog?
Because it was pure bread.

My friend told me she started a new craft.
I asked, "Which craft"?
She was offended and turned me into a newt.
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Since our bundle of joy is on a break I thought I would post some eye rolling, silly jokes.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Deduct. Deduct who? Deduct said, "Quack! Quack'"




My mom gave an old rope a time out. It was knotty!




What do you call a night who just lost a fencing match? A sword looser.




I hope everyone has a better day today and is blessed beyond exceedingly abundantly.
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Question: Where do you live?

Answer: The hood.

Question: What?

Answer: Adulthood and it sucks

Question: Where did you grow up?

Answer: The hood.

Question: Which one?

Answer: Childhood, it was great, I want to return and live there forever.

Question: Have you ever heard, "You can't return home"

Answer: I intend on trying for that's my favorite hood.

Response: I don't think that you understood.
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Oldageisnofun, ohhh that's a good one!!
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Quitting smoking, now that’s a tough one. My wife and I made a deal, we’ll only smoke after sex. I’ve had the same pack now since 1975.
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I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, “what, you can’t think of anybody either?
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I asked my wife last night, “Were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.
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“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
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“My wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.”
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I advised my spouse to accept her errors. She hugged me.
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Fell into a vat of wine once. I’ve been in high spirits since.
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My guardian angel filed for a transfer. - RD
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My wife said I never listen. At least, that’s my interpretation of her words. - RD
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Attempted a joke about elevators, had their highs and lows. - RD
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…” - RD
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My kids are not happy!

They just found out the only thing that they are inheriting is my mental health. 😁
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Did you know that in Hawaii it is illegal to laugh loudly?

One must keep their laugh to a low ha.
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Not sure about y'all, but I'm feeling a bit dramatic, like the wicked witch on Wizard of Oz.

"I'm Melting, I'm melting" 😰
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Why do you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they're are too many ears!
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Why did the mushroom, get invited to all the parties?

He was a fun-gi! 🥴🙂
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I'm not old, I just need some WD-40.
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What would bears be , without Bee's?

ears.

😂
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Here's my modification of a previous joke.

"Sometimes, one doesn’t have one's ducks in a row, and one's pond is drying up."
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Life doesn’t come with a manual.
However, which mother it comes with is not optional.
Without the dad's contribution, it is not possible.
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Rlynn, that's so cute, we all need to laugh, only thing that makes caregiving bearable.

One time I helped this older women with Alzheimer's. She was so scared, I figured out what was bothering her, and fixed it.

She made this huge sigh, put her hand on mine, with so much thankfulness , looked me in the eyes and said " you are such a bread basket!"

I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a bread basket. 😁
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