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😉
You are a waste of blood and organs.
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🙂
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
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🙂
If you're ever feeling lonely, just remember that somewhere out there, there's a spider looking for a roommate.
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“A caregiver in bed will remain in bed until acted upon by a large enough panic.”
—Newton’s lesser known fourth law
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Are nap dates a thing? Because that’s something I can work with.
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Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Can I offer a selection of your worst memories from the last 10 years?
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I just need a quick 20-minute to 2 year nap.
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Do you ever want to take a nap but the nap doesn’t want to take you?
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This is not even funny, but as a cranky old man, I'm coming close to saying this about what is truly beyond my control and I used to comment, "do some needed adulting."

Instead, it's more like well "Let them eat cake" and have the level of adulting they truly want.
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While this is not a joke, it is a fun way to tell a scam call person goodbye, "Have the day you deserve, bye!"
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🤯 I can't believe I used to talk to people.
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Is it a right to remain ignorant?

🙂 I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
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🙂🙂 That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
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🙂 "I asked my mom if I was a gifted child...She said they certainly wouldn't have - paid - for me."
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🙂 No one knows your business like other people.
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IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

Sorry, just practicing for tomorrow...
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If you have to ask me, "Is this Thursday?" then, to you, it really doesn't matter what day of the week it is.
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Wow, that was rather inappropriate.
Let's be friends.
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A group of kids
is called a migraine.
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When killing them with kindness doesn't work

try voodoo.
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Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
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Do people still run away with the circus?
Asking for a friend.
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🙂 WATCH OUT
I'm having one of those days where I'm holding a stick and everyone looks like a piñata.
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🙂 Always remember to be nice to people who have access to your toothbrush.
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🙂🙂 Today's cardio: drinking my coffee fast.
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🙂 Today we don't have any motivational quotes, if you want to give up, give up.
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The difference between a miracle and a fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
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I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.
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Please
don’t breed.
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🙂🙂 It’s what I do.
I eat tacos and I know things.
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