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Lawn & Order
Special Mowing Unit
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My neighbour asked me if he could use my lawn mower.

I said, “Sure, just don’t take it out of the yard.”
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🙂 My favorite mythical creatures are decent men.
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🥰 Your clothes would look nice on my bedroom floor.
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Doctor: All right, this is the part where I’m just going to google it and we both pretend I’m not.
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Doctor asks elderly patient questions, to check for dementia.

Dr: What day is today?

Mom: Thursday.

Dr: What year is this?

Mom: 2024.

Dr: Who is the president?

Mom: (long pause) Ohhh… uh, some ***hole.

Dr: Close enough.
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🙂 If it first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
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I'm not impatient, I just patient really fast.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it's empty.
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I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
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Good one!! 😄
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My wife just said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” That’s a funny way to start a conversation.
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time-consuming.
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Do you know the verse of the Bible where it tells you how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.
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Sausage puns are the wurst.
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Would you believe that my neighbor came ringing my doorbell at 2:00 this morning? Luckily for him, I was still up playing bagpipes.
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I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it.
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You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?
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I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
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A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. Also politics.
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Pets (noun)

The only members of your family you actually like.
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Girls (noun)

They don’t actually shop, they just walk around touching clothes, saying, “This is cute.”
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Acne (noun)

Usually appears on your face when you have an important date.
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Middle of the night (noun)

The only time I have the urge to get my life together.
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Stalking (verb)

When two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
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White shirt (noun)

There’s a 95% chance that food will drop on it.
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Zombies (noun)

The only men who will love you for your brain.
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Fat (noun)

A substance in your body that will love you and stay with you forever. Even though you don’t love it back.
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Death (noun)

Life’s way of firing you.
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Overthinking (verb)

The biggest cause of our unhappiness.
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