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A fun thing to do in the morning
is not talk to me.
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True love
is when two people lower their standards just the right amount.
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Be yourself

No one else wants to be you
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Some of my best friends
are carbs.
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Don’t be afraid to be different.
After all, people never really pay attention to you anyway.
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1. Wake up
2. Go online
3. Get offended
4. Repeat
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If you keep following your dreams
they’re going to file a restraining order.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst,
unfortunately that’s also my best.
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🙂 Done burning bridges.
Now burning the office.
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😉 It's never too early to feed the cat.
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😉 I can't drown my demons. They know how to swim.
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😉 I will no longer be fighting my inner demons. We're friends now.
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🙂 🥗 After all I’ve seen I just hope you find inner peas.
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🥚🍳 TGI FRIED EGG
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🥰🥰 Don’t go bacon my heart.
🍳 I couldn’t if I fried.
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🥚🥚😆😆 You crack me up!
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🥚🥚 Have an egg-cellent day!!
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🥰 When people ask me what’s more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating.
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If God wanted me to cook, why did he invent restaurants?
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Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake.
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I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me.
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🙂🙂🙂 I hate you the least.
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🙂 The best part of waking up…
is still a mystery to me.
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Memorable, if not actually funny:

She dug her grave with a knife and fork.
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😘😘😘 What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent, beautiful eyes…
But enough about me, how are you doing?
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Before we work on artificial intelligence…
we need to fix natural stupidity.
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Nothing artificial
about my intelligence.
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I sat quietly with my own thoughts today.

Remind me never to do that again.
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Me: Is it weird to talk to myself?

Me: No.
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Dedicated to everyone who wonders if I’m writing about them. I am.
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