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Man went into a bar with his dog. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." Man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." Bartender says, "Oh, I apologize. Of course a seeing eye dog is allowed." The man has a drink and leaves. As he's walking out the door, another man is coming in with his dog, a chihuahua. The first one says, "Hey buddy, if you want to bring your dog in, you have to say he's a seeing eye dog." The man thanks him for the tip and goes on in. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." The man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." The bartender is skeptical and says, "A seeing eye chihuahua?" The man says, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"
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Holy crap Phoenixdaughter! That was soooo hilarious!
But I think, after nearly wetting yourself, you’d understand why I think it was a wonderfully helpful story.
Was a bit constipated, took a laxitive yesterday and it hadn’t worked...yet.
I was relaxing on the bed after seeing my wife at her board n care. I was tearing up laughing, all along the way with this story. Then, I just burst out in such extreme laughter that, you guessed it!
I barely made it to the toilet! Damn you! And thank you!
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OK. Here is my joke of the day.

WARNING - if you're anti-gun, you should not read this. And don't send me any message about it either. I am not promoting guns. The statistics were accurate for the year the joke was written.


Accidental Deaths

A) The number of physicians in the U..S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept.. of Health and Human Services.

*************

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

**********************

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

***********************

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

**********************

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

***********************

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


**********************

Out of concern for the public at large,

We withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
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dogperson: Two days later, I got it! :-)
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Thank you, everyone, for sharing these - I chuckled as I read them, and thought how clever they are.
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Hahaha. Very funny . Thank you dogperson.
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Pregnant woman goes into labor and tries to call her husband to take her to the hospital. She is unable to reach him, but fortunately her brother is available. He gets her to the hospital, she has boy and girl twins, and everyone is fine.

They finally reach the husband and he rushes to the hospital, very apologetic for having been unavailable earlier. His wife forgives him, and he says, "Well, what are we going to name the babies?" The wife says, "I told my brother he could name them, since he got me to the hospital in time." The husband says, "What?! Your brother's an idiot. How could you let him name our children?" She says, "He was here for me when I needed him, so it seemed only fair." He says, "What did he name them." She says, "He named the girl Denise." He says, "That's a good name. Maybe I underestimated your brother. Maybe he's smarter than I thought. What did he name the boy?" She says, "De nephew."
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OK. Here is joke of the day. Enjoy.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Thanks dogperson and mountainmoose for your jokes. Very funny. I, polarbear, will post another joke later tonight.

But here's a short animal joke.

Person 1: What mouse walks on 2 legs?

Person 2: Hmm, I dunno.

Person 1: Mickey Mouse

Person 1 again: What duck walks on 2 legs?

Person 2: Hmm, Donald the duck?

Person 1: All ducks walk on 2 legs

:D
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A mother arrives home exhausted after a long day at work. Her little girl pipes up, "Let me make you a cup of tea, Mommy!" Mommy says, "Oh, that sounds lovely." The little girl scampers into the kitchen and returns with a cup of tea. The mother slowly enjoys the cup. "Oh, that was wonderful. Thank you. But, tell me, how did you strain the tea?"

"I used the fly swatter, Mommy!" At the horrified look on Mommy's face, the little girl quickly added, "Oh, I didn't use the new one. I used the old one!"
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Living will directive: If I'm ever on life support, turn me off. Then turn me back on. See if that works.
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Older couple is watching TV one evening when the husband gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife says, "While you're there, will you get me a dish of ice cream?" He says OK and continues toward the kitchen. She says, "Aren't you going to write that down?" He says, "Write it down? Why would I do that?" She says, "Well, your memory isn't what it used to be. If you don't write it down, you'll probably forget." He says, "My memory's fine. I won't forget." She says, "And will you put some chocolate syrup on that ice cream?" He agrees and walks on toward the kitchen. She says, "You should write that down. You'll forget." He says, "I'm not writing it down and I won't forget."

A few minutes later, he comes back and hands her a plate of scrambled eggs. She looks down at the eggs, looks up at him, sighs deeply, and says, "And where's the toast?"
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I was looking for a joke thread and found this one. A lot of good jokes. We all need a belly laugh at least once a day to keep our brains healthy. And that's no joke. So, I would like to revive this thread. Hope most of you can join in.

Here is my contribution for today.

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better – everything Cow eats in one package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don’t drink unhappy – happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added – must be better – like fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
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Ok one more. also from Readers Digest

.John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
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I must have needed to laugh today. I saw this on Readers Digest:
Texting for Seniors:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
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I posted this elsewhere but this one made me laugh since I was eight; "when I go, I want to go peacefully, like my grandpa did, in his sleep. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car."
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These three old guys were sitting around their local pub, regaling each other with tales from their younger days. They had been into traveling, safari's, camping, fishing, and the like, and were always out doing each other with who had the better catch, who hiked the longer miles, what have you. There was one of the men who had a great deal of respect among the others, since he had actually been to the deepest jungles in Africa, and had been chased by really big game, and several times had barely escaped with his life. He listened to the other two banter for a while, but finally, he put down his draft, adjusted his belt and told them how it really was. "I was out in the deepest jungle, on this hunt, and suddenly, there it was, the one that almost killed me the last time I was out there. I could tell by the look in it's eye. It was coming for me again. It had my scent. I got downwind. I did everything I could to protect myself, and still, there it was. The hunter had become the hunted yet again. I crept along, slowly,.....slowly..hoping only to survive..had a chance to reach for my weapon....and then, ..as I got in position, the beast made it's move". His friends and half of the people at the pup sat, absolutely still as the old guy went in to great long details about the hunt. "Before I could even think, the beast was breathing on the back of my neck. One false move and i knew it would be all over. and then suddenly.....it jumped, and ROARED...and (jumping up from the table in the pub) I jumped and SCREAMED and ....I wet myself......."

"well that's perfectly understandable" one of his friends chimed in, "being out in the jungle, about to be eaten by a wild beast.."

"NO NO NO NO! FOOL! Not THEN! Just NOW, when I jumped up out of the table, to tell the story and explain how I roared....just NOW, I wet myself...."
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Hi. My name is Lyle, I just found you on Google. Love it I'm putting a link on A Facebook "Caregiver network". Thanks for such a enlightening experience , Your bookmarked. lol

Thank you, A fellow Care giver.
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Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Plan G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
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Perfect! Just perfect!!!
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hilarious pfontes - I have just had a neighbour telling me he heard me using a raised voice to my mum. I invited him in to see her.....she was watching her favourite programme and this is going to be amusing so I let him go in and introduce himself once, twice...louder, three times...quite loud......silence. No way is she going to speak to him when she is watching her programme. So then he shout hello....she looks round briefly as I say to him please...you are raising your voice to my mum. he was just about to say something when he realised the humour , shook his head apologised and left
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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what .' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)??

'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
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WARNING POLITICAL JOKE:
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer the doctor struck up a conversation with the older man. Eventually the topic of elections and politicians came up and what each thought of the potential leaders.

The old farmer said ‘Well ya know, most politicians are like post turtles’

‘Post turtles?’ queried the doctor

‘Yup Post turtles….when ya drive down the road and ya see a turtle on a fence post thats a post turtle’

The doctor still looked puzzled. The old farmer continued ‘Now y’all know he didn’t get up there by himself, he don’t belong up there, he don’t know what to do while he is up there, see he is elevated beyond his ability to function and you have to wonder what dumb arse thought it would be a good idea to put him up there to begin with’

Thats a pretty good explanation of politicians everywhere methinks
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Rainmom, I will explain it to you by PM?

My husband does not get the humor in the tadpoles/future turtle joke. How can I explain that? And the fact that Monday is just not going well.....hmmmmmnn.
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* warning * very crude joke ahead !!
rainmom ,
the young bull wants to RUN down the hill and bone a heifer . the old bull wants to WALK down there and bone them all .

everybody else is getting by with murder here so here goes ;

love the narc / bull joke pam ..
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A horse walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender looks up at him and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
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Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who informs them that everyone entering heaven must past an intelligence test. But since they were nuns and had devoted their lives to Jesus, the questions would be really easy.

St. Pete turns to the first nun and asks, "Name three of Jesus' disciples."
"Oh that's easy," the first nun replies, "Matthew, John, and James."
The bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open and the first nun enters.

St. Pete turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was Moses?"
The nun confidently replies, "Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open a second time and the second nun enters.

Finally, St. Pete addresses the third nun. "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The third nun pauses for a long moment and mutters, "Gosh, that's a hard one."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open....
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Husband seen with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She said. Hunting Flies He replied. Oh! Killing any? Yep, 3 males, 2 Females! How can you tell them apart? 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
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And the waxing one would have been funnier if I hadn't spent an evening trying to figure out how to get a wooded wax spreading tool de-fixed from my upper thigh!
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I didn't get the one about the old bulls and the young bulls walking down the hill...
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