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“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
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“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” 
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“I’d love to stand here and talk with you...but I’m not going to.”
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“Instant gratification takes too long.”
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I’m sorry. I was thinking about cats again.
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“When a man retires, and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.”
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“I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.”
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“It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.”
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🙂 “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
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🙂 “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
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Every morning I see a woman so exhausted that she looks like she could commit a crime for a cup of coffee.

Maybe I should move the mirror.
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What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?

I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!!
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Why did the barista get fired?

He kept showing up for work in a tea shirt.
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What’s a barista’s favorite programming language?

Java
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How does the coffee snob take their coffee?

Seriously, very seriously.
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“I like you.”

“Thanks, I like me too.”
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“That sounds like a you problem.”
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“I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.”
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“Can you repeat that, I want to remember the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”
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possible comebacks against people who insult you:

"Everyone who loves you is wrong."


“I’ve found puddles deeper than you.”


“Were you born this stupid, or did you take lessons?”


“No, I don't want fries with that.”


“Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.”
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“I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.”
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Most people don't know this
but you can easily mind your own business.
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...You go ahead and start seizing the day without me. I'll catch up later.
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Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head
...with a hammar
...many times.
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"Insane" is much a mean word.
I prefer "mentally creative".
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Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turnin' but...the hamster was dead?
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"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
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Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn't real: "Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn't bring you presents, you should think about why."
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Words of wisdom:
An empty search history says more than a filled one.
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🙂 Surround yourself with tacos not negativity.
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