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Words of wisdom:
Never run barefoot in a dog park.
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🙂 Bigfoot doesn’t believe in you either.
(3)
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Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
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I’m responsible for my own happiness?? I can’t even be responsible for my own breakfast!
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“Reddit, stop with the fake funny quotes, they’re not funny.”
—JFK
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There seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.
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🙂 Wherever you go, always bring your own sunshine.
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There are more fools in the world than there are people.
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Sometimes, you just have to play the role of a fool, to fool the fool, who thinks they are fooling you.
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It's so hot out that birds have to pick up the worms with oven gloves.
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It's so hot out, Superman took a cab.
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It's so hot out that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
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It’s so hot, I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
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Reality is what you can get away with.
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🙂 I'm writing this sentence to let everyone know I'm illiterate.
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Bringing water to a boil is a mist opportunity.
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Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
…Too many cheetahs.
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I thought of more lines to add to the I'm so old, I was born in BC.

Before calculators

Before integrating circuits

Before micro chips
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🙂 Can we skip to the part of my life where I travel the world?
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🙂 My dream vacation is one from my own brain.
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"Parenthood is kind of like getting hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack."
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🙂 "Great news, I got 100 on my son's geometry test!"
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I'm so old I was born in B,C.

Before cell phones
Before computers
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Reality (noun)

The annoying time in between sleep and internet.
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Adult (noun)

Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
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🙂 He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce, I keep the house.
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Pets are so weird.

It's just this little individual that lives in your house and you can't speak to each other but you're best friends.
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One day you'll find someone that's obsessed with you.
It's probably going to be a dog. But it is what it is.
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My idea of "help from above"
is a sniper on a roof.
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Dear Best Friend,
If you ever feel bad, call me. I promise to sing to you.
Then you can decide what's worse.
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