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I found my ex’s body in the morgue at work. It was very awkward.
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Let me get three shots of Grey Goose or is it geese? Just give me a flock of vodka.
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Smoke detectors are, ‘You suck at cooking’ detectors.
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Good tattoos aren’t cheap and cheap tattoos aren’t good.
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“Just one more tattoo and I’m done.” Said no one ever.
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Yes, I have tattoos and yes I have a job.
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It’s another day in paradise, minus the paradise.
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If you ever feel lonely, just dim the lights and put on a couple of horror movies. You won’t feel so alone anymore.
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My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt. It used to be a dolphin.
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I’m always looking for a gal who has tattoos because I say to myself, Here’s a girl who isn’t afraid of making decisions that she will regret later.’
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Love and Snakes…

So my girlfriend decided to get a tattoo of a huge snake on her back. Do it, I said but it might hurt a little.

She said, “I know, but It’s only a needle.” I said, I meant being single afterwards.
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Why don’t you like my tattoos? At least I can cover them up.

Your face on the other hand…
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What is a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the accordion but doesn’t.
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How do you get the trombonist off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
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Relative minor - the guitarist’s girlfriend.
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Perfect pitch - when you throw a viola in the toilet and it doesn’t hit the sides.
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What do you call a guitarist who recently lost his girlfriend?

Homeless.
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Tuba player - Did you hear my last recital?

Friend - I hope so.
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Why are harps like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to place in cars.
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Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve anything but neither does milk.
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I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.
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Do you remember when I asked you for your opinion? Me neither.
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If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
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Anything done before my first cup of coffee could be considered self defense.
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Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
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The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

Doug Larson
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Love is having a large close knit family in another city.

George Burns
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Thanks, ITRR
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Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

Paula Poundstone
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Happy anniversary Need.

I would like to say it is so nice to see others got to marry Mr. Right.


Is your husband's first name Always too?
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