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When I told my doctor about my loss of memory he made me pay in advance.
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Born free, taxed to death.
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Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
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It used to be only death and taxes. Of course, now it’s shipping and handling costs too.
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Where there’s a will…I want to be in it.
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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
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An old woman told me at a wedding that I was next…so I told her the same thing at a funeral.
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Why did God create man first? Because he needed a rough specimen before he created the perfect specimen of the species.
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Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract!
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How can you tell if a man is lying? You can see his lips moving.
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Of course women don’t work as hard as men, they get it right the first time!
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What did the funeral director say on his first day of work? I finally found my final resting place!
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I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens!
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Most days I like coffee more than I like people!
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Oh, god. I love the "killed by bears" one!
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Kids today don't know how good they have it with music lyric sites
We used to have to sing it wrong for years until somebody told us the truth
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Water is the most essential element of life
because without water you can't make coffee
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If I choke to death chowing down on gummy bears I really hope people will just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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Oldage, I love pun-style jokes. Thank you... that's a fun batch you've posted. :)
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Hah, CW. I read the joke about the alarm-clock-cat but didn't get it at first, for whatever reason.

"Would you like your alarm clock to be INEXPLICABLY HEAVY and full of KNIVES? Consider: CAT."

Indeed. 😸
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One minute you're young and carefree 💃🏻🕺🏻
and the next your grand kids are asking for help with their history project
because you were alive way back then 🤔
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Having trouble getting up in the morning? Get an alarm clock that is inexplicably heavy and equipped with many knives, get a cat 🐈
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A perfectionist walked into a bar... Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
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So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
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What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
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Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
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The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
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Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
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