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Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast).
You came to the right person.
(4)
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Who set up my mood on shuffle?
(2)
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Me: Am I lonely or bored??

Stomach: Let’s just eat until we figure it out.
(4)
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🙂 "Looks like a great day to be a problem."
(4)
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"Living well is the best revenge."

Alexa, what is the second-best revenge?
(4)
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🙂 "If you wanna see my fold, you gotta catch me at a laundromat."
(3)
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Sometimes I delete my own posts
because I'm not the same person I was 4 minutes ago.
(3)
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The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.
(3)
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Nobody told me that when you get married the ears are sold separately.
(4)
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Marriage (noun)

A fancy way of saying I'll put up with you forever.
(4)
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(me at 16 lying in bed)
😡 It’s only 11 o’clock. I could be at a party.

(me at 26 at a party)
😡 It’s already 11 o’clock. I could be at home, in bed.
(4)
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reasons you should consider being a cat...

1.free food
2.free rent
3.sleep as long as you want to
4.look great with no effort
(3)
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(Pizza box on the table.)

X: Yesterday's pizza! 🥰

(X opens the box.)

X: Dang! It's empty...
He was only supposed to eat half. He betrayed me.

Y: Who betrayed you?

X: My past self.
(2)
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🙂🙂
Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
(4)
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Single (noun)

A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen.
(4)
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more funny insults…

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.


Are you on stupid pills?


Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?


I smell smoke. Were you thinking too hard again?
(4)
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😘 You bring out the best insults in me.
(2)
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🤓 You can’t tell the truth on TV.
Too many people are watching.
(2)
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"Weasling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals..."
(2)
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10 million sperm cells, and you expect me to believe you were the fastest?
(3)
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more come-backs against people who’re mean to you…
insults without swearing:

My mother allways told me to be nice or be quiet. I presume you've not heard from yours in years?


Your parents aren’t even disappointed in you. They know this is the best you can do.


I once asked a girl, “Where have you been all my life?”
Her response was, “I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.”


I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.


🥰 I'm genuinely excited to never interact with you again.


Somewhere somehow you are robbing a village of an idiot.


Bless your heart.


🥰 You are one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
(4)
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🐾🐾🐾🐈🐈🐈

One reason that cats are happier than people is that they have no newspapers.
(3)
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🙄 I don’t know about you but I don’t have any more passwords left in me.
(5)
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Q: My child will not eat fish, what shall I replace it with?

A: A cat. A cat loves fish.
(3)
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The next time you hate your life, remember,
it's all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads 2 books
a week and yet complains about how much he hates prison.
(3)
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Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life
has clearly never had 2 candy bars
fall down at once from a vending machine.
(4)
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I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small, cute terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested let me know
and I'll jump over my neighbour's fence and get it for you.
(8)
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🙂 Procrastination is a dish
best served eventually.
(3)
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Man: You only love because my father left me a fortune!

Woman: Nonsense!...I'd love you no matter who left you a fortune!
(5)
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I heard someone say something about leaving their children to travel for work and i thought it translated to placing a loved one in care because it has become far to much for in home care.

In between my moments of guilt for leaving them...are hours and hours of utter happiness.
(3)
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