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Prayer for Seniors

God grant me the senility to forget the people that I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to know the difference.
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Ah…the modern days

I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone cross the street.
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A frustrated wife told me her view of retirement:

“Twice as much husband, half as much pay.”
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cwillie,
Not a joke but ,
My daughter had to learn to play the recorder in 3rd grade . Then we moved to another state . Her new school taught recorder in 4th grade . We were blessed twice with that . Fortunately she was pretty good , so was ok. Don’t even ask about the one year my son played the trombone . We had to hold back our enthusiasm when he said he wants to quit . 🙄😭😭.
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I never understood why the little drummer boy's parents let him go outside alone playing his drum until my kid brought a recorder home from school.
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People talk about having an inner child but I think I've got an inner raccoon - there are dark circles under my eyes and I want to sleep all day and eat delicious trash.
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams
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Jerry Seinfeld quotes:

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
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Snarky comebacks!

Keep rolling your eyes. You might find a brain.

I believed in evolution until I met you.

Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
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Erma Bombeck said,

“If your mother asks you if you want a piece of advice, it’s a mere formality. Whether you want it or not, you’re going to get it.”
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Here is one from one of my favorite comics from years ago! Steven Wright. He had a dry wit that just killed me.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Another favorite comic from long ago, George Carlin.

Why are the alphabets in that order? Is it because of that song?

Here’s all you need to know about men and women. Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason why women are crazy is because men are stupid.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Geaton asked about Bundle of Joy earlier. I told her that I missed her jokes.

Let’s see if we can revitalize this thread in honor of bundle!

What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation

These aren’t gray hairs. They are wisdom highlights!

What’s the best part of aging? It doesn’t last very long.

Which underwear do seniors like the best? It Depends.

Old age makes us great multitaskers. I can pee and sneeze at the same time.

One benefit of telling your old friends your secrets is that they can’t remember them.

I have decided that whatever age I am it’s the new 30!

I called the incontinence hotline and they asked me if I could please hold.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age.

Of all of your children, the only one that won’t grow up or move out is your husband.

Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

Why do retirees smile so much? Because they can’t hear a word that you’re saying.

You know it’s time to retire when young people are wearing clothes from your youth and calling them retro.

Retirement is what happens between doctor appointments.
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A tourist traveling to Jerusalem died while there. Her Son in law and daughter talked to the mortician who told him his Mil could be buried there for $100, or be sent to the U.S. to be buried for $5,000.00

The Son in law said to send her for $5,000.00.

The mortician asked, "why would you pay all that money when for only $100, she could be buried in this beautiful, historic, peaceful place?"

The Son in law answered: "Well someone died there 2000 years ago and rose
again in only 3 days." "We don't want to take any chances".
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Not a joke Per se but a fun moment to share. A bit of Serendipity.

I like to solve the Times wordel puzzle each morning. So spoiler alert if you also play along.

Long bored with using the same starter word I just think of a random five letter word with a few vowels to get started.

Today for whatever reason I chose the word
TEARY.
Only the A was a contender. But in the wrong spot. So still looking for more vowels that might be in the word and a new location for the A, I chose
LAUGH
Again, the A was in the wrong spot. each guess of course reduced the choices for vowels and consonants.

So with only the elimination of letters and my one bonafide hit on the A and knowing it wasn’t in the 3rd or 2nd space, I decided to try the 4th space for the A and I chose the word
WOMAN. Bingo. That was the word!!
I looked at my three guesses to see how I had solved it.

TEARY
LAUGH
WOMAN

Almost a poem I decided. Doesn’t take much to entertain me. 🙂
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A turkey goes to the doctor.

Doctor says: We found the problem.
All your internal organs are in this little bag.
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A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime. The jury found him guilty of 33 counts, and the judge sentenced him to 189 years. Realizing that even with time off for good behavior, he would be over one hundred years old when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears.

Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered. He said, “I didn’t mean to be so severe. Thinking it over, I can see that I’ve imposed an extremely harsh sentence. So you don’t have to serve the whole time.” The prisoner beamed with newfound hope until the judge leaned toward him and said, “Just do as much as you can.”
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I’m just reading a book of political incidents, genuine. A past newly appointed Minister of Defence was being taken around HMAS Melbourne with a group of staffers, all of them kitted out in overalls. He was chatting to a sailor who asked ‘Well what’s your job, mate?’ He said ‘Actually I’m the Minister’. Reply – ‘Smart bastard’. His memory in the book – ‘It was one of the kindest comments made to me in that portfolio’.
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A woman brags on social media:
"I've been in 7 car accidents this year. Y'all can't tell me that God doesn't have a plan for my life".

Someone comments:
"Girl, it sounds like he tryin to kill ya!".
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A far-fetched idea, adaptable to family caregivers with night time wandering elders who eat everything in the fridge, indiscriminately.

This comes from a pro-parenting tip:
Parents with teenagers can change the door handles on new refrigerator to the side with the hinges. Tell them it is locked.
When you need to open the fridge, you just pull it open from the side without handles.

A person with advanced dementia or Alzheimer's will not be able to open it.

NFD, my hubs enjoyed being so very smart and arguing why this won't work.
I am just going to give it some time. I think now, if I just move the location of the fridge, he won't be able to find it.

This is a joke. He does not have dementia.
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Keep them coming, you wonderful person.
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The women whose floors are clean enough to eat off, would never do it. Seems such a waste! Now I’m different...
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I came..I saw..I decided to order take out!
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Many people have eaten in my kitchen & have gone on to lead normal, healthy lives.
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🙂 If there’s a recipe for success in life, it starts with picking the right ingredients.
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Always aim for peace, but if you can't get peace, you should aim between the eyes.
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If you raise your children you can spoil your grandkids, but if you spoil your children you have to raise your grandkids.
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May God have mercy on my enemies because I won't.
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"Don't quote me on this.”
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Hahaha :)
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Two girls who are going to be college roommates meet for the first time. The first girl says to the second girl “Hello! Where are you from?” The seconds girls responds with “I don’t answer questions that end in prepositions.” The first girl thinks for a moment and the says “Let me put that a different way. Where are you from, B#%*H?”
😂😀
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