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The early worm gets eaten.
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Being lazy is a full-time job. it barely leaves me time for my hobbies.

Like dozing and napping.
(4)
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What do I love more than eating?
Over-eating! :)
(2)
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My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal - RD
(8)
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I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning I get up, look in the mirror and feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know But your eyesight is perfect.” - RD
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I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes.
I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’  - RD
(1)
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I have a new girlfriend. Thankfully, she loves me for my money and my fame. Not for who I am. - RD
(2)
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - RD
(1)
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - RD
(1)
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I don't get no respect. A girl phone and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. RD
(2)
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When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. RD
(0)
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Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
(2)
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I found my wife is faking orgasms. Four of my friends told me. RD
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I have come to think of orgasms as the things I have really quickly while the guy gets up to look in the refrigerator for something to drink.
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People always tell me stupid stuff. You know, like their opinions.
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I always say what I mean…

I may not always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
(3)
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We don’t stop playing because we grow old.

We get old because we stopped playing.

-George Bernard Shaw
(4)
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I have to stop saying,

How stupid can you be?

I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.
(3)
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I’m pretty sure if I smacked the stupid out of you, there wouldn’t be anything left!
(1)
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After Tuesday,

even the calendar goes W T F
(6)
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Definition of STUPID:

Knowing the truth

Seeing the truth

Yet still believing the lies
(3)
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I’m not crazy. My reality is just different from yours.
(3)
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Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
(4)
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If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return Mondays!
(0)
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I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
(1)
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Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself for only $92 in crafting supplies?
(3)
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Old people at funerals always poke me and say, “You’re next!”

So now, I do the same thing to them at funerals.
(2)
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Toughest job ever:

Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self control that you would have to have.
(2)
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It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend that you’re listening.
(2)
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Touch my coffee and I will hit you so hard that even Google won’t be able to find you!
(2)
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