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Now that I'm retired I find it good to organize my to do list into categories
Things I don't want to do now
Things I won't do later
Things I'll never do
(7)
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Made with love really means
"I licked the spoon and kept using it"
(2)
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Having a sibling is like having a life coach who doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
(3)
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Dear Summer,

Stop showing off.

We get it, you’re hot! 🥵
(4)
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We miss you bundleofjoy!
(2)
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People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys
(7)
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Funny Church Signs:

Honk if you love Jesus
Text while driving if you want to meet Him

If you’re praying for snow
Please stop!

God prefers kind atheists over hateful Christians

Be the person your dog thinks that you are

Forgive everyone
I’ll sort them out later
-God

Forgive your enemies
It messes with their heads
(3)
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People say that I act like I don’t care…

It’s not an act
(0)
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❤️

"BE
YOU
tiful."
(2)
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Silence is Golden! Unless you have young children.

Then it’s suspicious.
(6)
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I thought that I was having a hot flash this morning, then I realized that it was just my boobs in my coffee.
(3)
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"Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen
(5)
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❤️🏖

“Don’t
quit
your
day
dream.”
(2)
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😘

“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
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❤️

How to tell someone their breath stinks without hurting their feelings:

“Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.”
(5)
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🙄😜

“Making sense just isn’t your thing…is it?”
(2)
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🙄🤪

“I thought of you today


when someone asked, ‘How stupid can one person be?’”
(2)
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🙄🙄

“VERDICT:
You’re a moron.”
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❤️

“How do you keep an idiot in suspense?…”
(3)
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❤️

Irony is when someone writes
“Your an idiot.”
(2)
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🙄😉

“I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.”
(6)
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There are no stupid questions…

but some come pretty close
(2)
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Hold it right there…

No one wants a ticket to your sh*t show.
(1)
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You stabbed me and then pretended that you were the one who was bleeding.
(3)
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I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
(3)
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Sometimes I get road rage just pushing a cart in the supermarket.
(4)
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This too shall pass…

It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
(5)
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If it’s free, it’s advice. If you pay for it, it’s counseling; if you can use either one, it’s a miracle.

Jack Adams
(3)
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If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill
(4)
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Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I am ducking so it hits someone else.
(4)
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