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😡 When you’re hungry but all the food in the house needs to be cooked.
(2)
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I have decided with a peaceful spirit,
a loving heart
and a clear mind
that some people
can still kiss my
a***s.
(1)
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🙂🙂
There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe your soul.
Even if it's cold.
Over ice.
With a celery stalk.
And vodka.
(2)
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🥰 If you haven't found your soulmate yet, don't feel bad. Even the married ones are still searching.
(2)
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Friend: Can I ask your advice on something?

Me: (Have never made a decision that didn't screw me over for months afterwards.) Yes, absolutely.
(1)
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🙂🙂
I look normal, but believe me,
I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
(1)
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I went to the doctor today, thinking I had all the symptoms of arthritis.

I don't.
I have early onset
rigor mortis.
(3)
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have a good day
and remember, you’re pawsome!!
🐾🐾🙂🙂
(2)
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at the entrance of my neighbour’s home:

Spoiled dogs (and their household staff) live here. 🙂
(2)
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kinda sad…

About the computer industry:
We've created life in our own image.
(2)
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To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
(1)
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To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
(2)
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🙂 A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
(3)
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Where's the best place to get dad jokes?

In a dad-a-base
(4)
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reminds me of "Trick or Treat".
(1)
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😉 A caregiver gets held up at gunpoint by a mugger who says, "Your money or your life!"
The caregiver says, "Is there a third thing? I don't have either of those."
(9)
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There are two types of people. I hate both.
(2)
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You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.
For instance, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
(5)
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🙂 Annoying the cook will result in starvation.
(2)
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Hair (noun)

Something that you know you need to wash, but you are not mentally prepared to dry it.
(2)
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Showering (verb)

5% washing
95% winning fake arguments
(2)
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English teachers (noun)

People who put more thought into a novel than the original author ever did.
(3)
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That’s what I mean (noun)

What you said made more sense so I’m taking credit for it.
(3)
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Morning (noun)

The time when the bed has more gravity.
(2)
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Haha (noun)

I actually saw this joke already but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
(2)
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Heaven (noun)

A place full of everything you get sent to h*ll for.
(2)
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This message was deleted (phrase)

The message you wanted to see the most.
(2)
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The end of the world (noun)

No internet connection.
(3)
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The other day (noun)

Any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
(2)
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Long story short (phrase)

Turns out I will tell an entire fully detailed story.
(2)
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