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🙂🙂

"Sorry, but I'm all out of sugarcoating."
(3)
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🤔

"When I was your age, we had to walk to the TV to change the channel."
(4)
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🤔

"Changing the toilet paper
will not cause brain damage."
(4)
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😉

"It's like winter is really mad and
keeps storming out of the room and
then coming back, yelling, 'And another thing!'"
(3)
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🙂

"Let's eat kids.
Let's eat, kids.
Use a comma.
Save lives."
(3)
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🙂🙂

"I was admiring your parking.
Seriously, I did not know
that the blind could drive."
(2)
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🌈

"Lost unicorn:
If found, please stop doing drugs."
(1)
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🙂🙂

"Parent/teacher night:
Let's share the blame."
(3)
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Yes dear, I know the doctor said you should get plenty of rest to get rid of your cold... but that was nine years ago!
(4)
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🤔

"At the doctor's office.
Doctor starts googling my symptoms."
(3)
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😇😘

“Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and sense of humour, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.”
(2)
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😉🙄

“Sometimes it freaks me out that there’s a skeleton inside me.”
(2)
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🙂🙂

"I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.
Don't they hear the music?"
(4)
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🙂🙂

"I resolve to delude myself into thinking
I'll be a healthier and more productive person next week."
(4)
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🙂

"Dolphin speaking to another dolphin:
If I could do only one thing before I died, it would be to swim
with a middle-aged couple from Connecticut."
(3)
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😉

"A dog walking away from the owner, unhappily. The dog says to himself:
It's always good dog, never great dog."
(3)
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🤓

"Why am I
the only naked person
at this gender reveal party?"
(4)
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🤓

"Taco EMERGENCY.
Call 9 Juan Juan."
(2)
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🤓🤓

"If by 'crunches' you mean
the sound bacon makes when you eat it,
then yes I do crunches."
(3)
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😉

"On occasion, you should introduce the upper lip
to the lower lip, the result
is absolutely amazing."
(1)
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😉

"I don't argue with the world.
The world argues with me."
(0)
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❤️

"If you see someone over 40 out in public after 9 pm,
they 100% took a nap earlier in the day..."
(2)
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🤓🤓

"Tomorrow's a new day
and another chance
to mess things up just a little bit differently."
(3)
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😉

"What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller."
(1)
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😉

"I asked Alexa, what do women want?
It hasn't shut up for nine days."
(3)
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❤️

"I don't need a stress ball.
I need a stress bat."
(3)
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❤️

"Do you ever wonder what people who caused the product warning labels are like?"
(3)
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I may not be Wonder Woman but I can do things that will make you WONDER!
(3)
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On our way to church, we asked our grandchild why is it important to be quiet in church. She said "Because there are people sleeping!"
(4)
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Truth is, I am not being sarcastic. I am just a funny person who is surrounded by idiots.
(1)
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