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😉

"A lot of people are only alive
because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder."
(2)
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😉

Job interview.

Female employer:
I'm looking for someone who can do the work of two men.

Woman seeking employment:
So it's only part-time?
(4)
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🙂🙂

"Do y'all remember, before the internet,
people thought the cause of stupidity was the lack of information?
Yeah. It wasn't that."
(3)
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🙂🙂

"What leads you to believe I don't like you?
I don't but I wanna know what gave it away."
(1)
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🙂

"Apparently this year
is being written by Stephen King."
(1)
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🙂🙂

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same.
(4)
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🙂🙂

"A fun thing about getting older
is how you can severely injure yourself
just by sleeping."
(2)
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🙂

"I can't prove this,
but I swear I used to be
smarter, funnier and less tired."
(1)
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🤮🤯😡

"At this point,
if a clown invited me into the woods, I'd just go."
(2)
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😇

"I try to contain my crazy
but the lid keeps popping off."
(3)
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❤️😇

"Let's all take a moment to be thankful
that I don't own a taser."
(1)
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🙂

"Love is a weird thing,
like you just pick a human and you're like
yes I like this one...
I'll let this one run my life forever."
(1)
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😘

"I'm kind of a lady,
but definitely more of a weirdo."
(2)
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😎

"You have no idea how far out of my comfort zone
my entire life is."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"What doesn't kill me
only makes me weirder
and harder to relate to."
(1)
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😉

"Been there --
regretted that."
(1)
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😉

"The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years
despite not having brains
is great news for you."
(2)
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😎

"It takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning."
(2)
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😎😎

"I'd like to have my cake and eat it too.
I'd also like to have your cake and eat it too."
(2)
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❤️😇

"My 4 moods:
1.I need coffee
2.I need a nap
3.I need a vacation
4.I need duct tape, rope and a shovel."
(1)
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❤️

"When you feel the wind blowing through your hair,
it's time to shave your legs."
(3)
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❤️🙂

My personal style is best described as
"didn't expect to get out of the car".
(2)
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❤️

"PEOPLE...
not a big fan."
(2)
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❤️

I never finish anythi
(3)
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🤔

"Stress balls really work
when you shove them down someone's throat."
(1)
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😉

"Even my aches and pains have aches and pains."
(3)
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🤮🤯😡

Person: Hey what's up?

Me: My stress levels.
(2)
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🤮🤯😡

"I'm NOT stressed.
I'm relaxationally-challenged."
(3)
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❤️🙂 goooood morning!

“They say you slow down as you get older. I guess that’s true. These days it takes me twice as long to do nothing.”
(3)
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Alva.

Cute joke! 😊
(4)
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