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🙃

“Feeling a little sick.
Better look up my symptoms online.
I have brain cancer.”
(1)
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❤️🙂🐈

"A man peacefully sleeping in bed.

Cat:
Is he dead?
I better walk on his face and find out."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Addicted to all the wrong things."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I've got two wonderful children -
and two out of five isn't so bad."
(2)
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❤️🙂🐈

"Cat:
I sleep with one paw out. You may kiss it as a sign of your allegiance and subordination to me."
(1)
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😉

"I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account...I can only panic."
(3)
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❤️ pick-up line...

"What time do you have to be back in heaven?"
(1)
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😎

"I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally."
(0)
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😉

"A very unhappy, elderly person at the doctor's office.

Doctor:
Remember those extra 20 years you added to your life through clean, healthy living? - Well, these are them."
(2)
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😉

"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side."
(1)
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😉

"I may have Alzheimer's
but at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
(1)
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🙂

"Future lawyer (noun):
already argues like one,
soon you'll get paid for it."
(1)
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🙂

"Lawyer (noun):
a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a 'brief'."
(2)
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🙂 joan benoit won gold at the first women's marathon in the olympics, LA 1984. she spoke about her life:

“Often times I put my career in two segments, B.C. and A.D. -
before children and after diapers."
(1)
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🙂

“Anyone else reach that age where you gain weight if you breathe?"
(1)
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😉

"I woke up tired about 3 years ago and I have never really recovered since."
(2)
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😴

Lying in bed:
"Aaaaah, time to think about what I should have said in every conversation today."
(3)
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🙂

“My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a sandwich.”
(2)
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🤓

“My spirit animal would eat your sprit animal.”
(1)
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😉

“If you ever need nothing
I’m here for you.”
(3)
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🤪

“My attitude has an attitude.”
(3)
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I finally have a dental plan. I chew on the other side.
(4)
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F whole-grain cereal. When I want fiber, I eat some wicker furniture.
(4)
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I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it,
(3)
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When I was kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store.
People kept askin' how big I'd get. RD
(2)
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I tell ya, I got no sex life. My dog watched me in the bed room, to learn how to beg. He also taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. RD.
(3)
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“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
(4)
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😉

"I have terrible ideas
if you need any."
(3)
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🙂

"Childhood injuries:
fell off my bike
fell out of a tree
twisted my ankle

Adult injuries:
slept wrong
sat down too long
sneezed too hard."
(3)
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❤️🙂

“I think I'm in a love triangle.
I love myself.
Myself loves me.
Me loves I."
(2)
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