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😉

"If I'm ever murdered,
feel comfort in knowing that
I ran my mouth until the bitter end."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Look officer, I'm not being a wise guy.
All I'm saying is, if you caught me then you were speeding too."
(2)
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❤️🙂🏖️

"Happiness is
...doing nothing
and then resting afterwards."
(1)
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❤️🙂🍰

"Everything in life should be done in moderation.
For example, when you buy a large cake, don't necessarily eat it in one sitting.
Rather, eat half, have a nap, then eat the other half..."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I just want to let you know
that if you ever need to have a plant killed,
I'm the person for that job."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"That awkward moment between birth and death."
(1)
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🙂

“I should get up.
…But I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Temporarily closed for spiritual maintenance."
(2)
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🙂

"Sometimes I feel like I have my life together
and then I'm like
wow
that was a really nice 45 seconds."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"You're incredibly mature for your age."

First of all, I'm traumatized.
(0)
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❤️🙂

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"55 smiles per hour."
(2)
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🌮🙂

"I don't wanna
taco 'bout it."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Well, That Didn't Work"
--an autobiography
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Note to self:
Double up on the happy pills for a week."
(0)
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❤️😉

"I need a break from my own thoughts."
(0)
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😉

"My stress stresses me out
to the point that I'm too stressed to deal with the stress."
(0)
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😉

"Be patient with me, I'm somewhere between
losing my mind and finding my soul. 🦋"
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I'm naturally irritated when I first wake up.
You just have to give me a few days to adjust."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I need one of those Kim Kardashian jobs
where they pay me to exist."
(0)
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A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the look out for sixteen hardened criminals.
(7)
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While driving I had an accident with magician. It wasn't my fault, the guy came out of nowhere.
(6)
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I know a guy who had his nose broken in two places. He ought to stay out of those places.
(5)
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🙋

"Raise your hand if
you try to breathe quieter
while walking up a hill
so bystanders don't
hear you fighting for
your life."
(2)
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🤓

"I had a date last night.
I really enjoyed it.
So tonight I'm going to
try a fig."
(4)
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❤️🙂

And now for my next trick
*waves hand*
I'll turn my stress and anxiety into body fat.
(2)
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❤️🙂

"You seem to be on your own path.
Unfortunately, there's a 'socio' in front of it."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Having thick thighs means
you can hold more puppies on your lap,
so who's the real winner here?"
(3)
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❤️🙂

"That depressing moment when
you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off,
and you wonder why bad things happen to good people."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"HR:
Did you call an employee stupid?

Me:
No, I asked if he was stupid."
(5)
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