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❤️

"Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?"
(2)
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❤️

"I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
(2)
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❤️🙂🍪

"You can’t eat just one cookie. It would get lonely. Be kind."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Should I have a cookie? A Memoir."
(2)
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🙂🍪

"I'd give you a cookie...
But I ate it."
(2)
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🙂🙂

"Going through life
one mental breakdown at a time."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Tradition (noun):
Peer pressure from dead people."
(3)
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❤️🙂

“I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk or be around anyone.
I call this mood ‘awake’.”
(2)
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🙂

“Whoever woke me up



is going to die.”
(2)
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❤️

"Friendship is
...knowing each other's embarrassing nicknames."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"I learn something new every day.
And forget 5 other things forever."
(1)
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❤️🙂

“My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.”
(1)
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“I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight…”

🙂
(1)
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❤️🙂🌮

"Have a specTACOlar day!"
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Dear cool people,
They didn't name a candy after you, did they?
Sincerely,
Nerds"
(3)
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😇

"Death is more universal than life.
Everyone dies.
But not everyone lives."
(5)
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😇🥰

“I’m the type of person who would thrive in solitary confinement.”
(2)
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😉

“Stress wouldn’t be so hard to take if it was covered in delicious chocolate.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“There is no
chocoholics anonymous
because no one wants to quit.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“My brain cells, skin cells and hair cells continue to die…
But my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.”
(1)
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🤓

“A black cat is more efficient than a red light.”
(1)
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😇

“Life is too short. Don’t waste it removing pen drive safely.”
(1)
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😉🙃

“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
(1)
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😉🙃

“I want something to moti-weight me.”
(1)
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😉🙃

“I’m fat but identify as skinny.
I’m trans-slender.”
(3)
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Someone needs to sue the maker of “Thin Mints” for false advertising. I’ve been eating box after box and not getting any thinner
(5)
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Arguing with a stupid person just makes two
(4)
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🙂🙂🙂

“Smile – sunshine is good for your teeth.”
(3)
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❤️

“If you don’t start out the day with a smile, it’s not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.”
(3)
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🦷🦷🦷

"It's not my fault that I forget to floss.
My wisdom teeth aren't as smart as yours!"
(1)
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