My father died 2 months ago. I promised dad I would take of mom. She doesn't hear or read or write or drive.. She is very health and 83 years old. I am responsible for her finances, social entertainment etc. she lives alone and does not want to live with me now. My siblings gist and call occasionally. So basically everything is on me. My life now includes her in everything. I no longer get Saturday naps because she wants to go go go. All the time. If I say no she starts crying and says she is stuck in the house (not true) she gets out way more now then when dad was alive. And now she keeps telling me she wants to find a man to go out with. And she is going to walk to McDonald's 2 miles away if I don't come get her.. Insists I take her to Sunday breakfast. I find myself lying to her about what I do when I am away from her so she doesn't make me feel guilty for having a life. I promised dad but I don't think I can do this..oh and she thinks she is rich and just spend spend spend. She lives on social se unity only and barely makes it. I will be having to make up the difference shortly if she keeps spending. When I tell her no she gets upset so I just give in and say fine be broke then. I want my life back..
My husband wants to get an rev in a couple of years and travel.. I don't think I will be a part of it because I have mom..
If you cannot cope, you are better having a real eye to eye talk, and explaining this.
If she is being unreasonable, tell her so. If you want me to treat you like an adult, well, like when I was a teenager, you have to act like one too!
Why do we go down the guilt train...what is wrong with us? Some can do it, and others are not perfect, and cannot. Don't end up making all you miserable for the sake of being the 'martyr'.
Superman or woman does not exist. You can only do what you can do, and so many siblings do not give a monkeys! Sending a hug!
He said he went to visit his Mom and she was sitting there with a big smile on her face. She was poor all her life. She said now she had someone who shopped for her and cooked for her, she was surrounded by new friends and she learned to play Majong (not sure how to spell it). When he offered to take her out to visit his brother, she didn't want to miss her majong group.
So, not sure what is available for your Mom, but your Dad's request did not mean you had to be the only one who helps and entertains her. If there are things the community offers, she may be able to establish new friendships. Look around for help. Encourage her to take advantage of the community help that is offered... there may be something at the library or all the way to some form of assisted living.
My mom lived to be almost 93. At her service 25 women from her 'healthy bones' exercise class came and they dedicated something at the library for her (where the exercise classes where offered twice a week).
Please don't think what your Dad wanted was for YOU to do everything for your Mom, and don't feel like no one else can do it as good as you can. You do need a break, a rest, help from others.
I know, I tried to do it all myself. I never thought what others did was good enough for Mom, but in retrospect, she really had a lot of fun when she was able to be with other people and not locked up in her house along.
Best wishes to you in this journey.
Oh... and one other thing. The BEST advice I got on this site was when someone told me, no matter how frustrating or tiring it gets, try to tell your Mom that you love her every day and give her a hug if you can. I did that, thanks to that woman's advice and today, I know that for the last 32 years, my Mom felt my hug and heard my words... no matter how hard it got. That is very, very comforting to me today.
Again, wishing you well on this journey. You are a kind person and no matter how you accomplish it, you are giving a lot to your Mom.
I think it is perfectly fine, with or without a promise, that you look after your mother's best interests, but that you really need to prioritize all of her wants/needs and also be sure you can take care of your own needs. Surely your father did not intend for you to take care of her at the expense of being miserable her self.
When you tell your mom no to excessive spending she gets upset and you don't want to deal with that so you let her do self-destructive things. I don't think that is taking good care of her. It is VERY hard to switch roles with a parent where you now have to be the one to enforce rules, but that is what it takes. Seeing to it that her money lasts is more important than seeing that she is never upset. Do you see what I mean?
You are going to have to set some boundaries as you look after her.
Don't despair. You are both no doubt still in shock and mourning over your father's death. Don't be surprised if everything isn't going smoothly immediately. It will take a while for things to settle into acceptable routines. Just make sure the routines do not include you jumping up and running over every time she wants to go to MacDonalds. You won't survive a year in that mode!
thats a little unusual at her age. it sounds to me like she may have been a little more sociable than your dad was and she might have been itching to get out more for some time now. she might get it out of her system and become a little more of a homebody. my aunt was going to " get off that hill " too when her husband passed away but she soon got tired of running the roads and was quite content at home. i understand your frustration. " going " all the time doesnt appeal to me a bit..