She has COPD, osteoporosis, high blood pressure, reoccurring UTI's and her mobility not very good she has to rely on a walker to get around. She lives downstairs in an apartment which is just a few steps from my living area. She is never happy and her health problems scare me. She is in hospital now for the 3rd time since July with a UTI. The doctor said it is very bad with white blood cell count of 23 up from 14 which she had last time. She was sick for 4 weeks and wouldn't get out of bed. I want my mom to go into a nursing home or ALF. I'm very depressed having her here. She has homecare Monday through Friday 8-3 so I have to do everything else for her when I get home from work and on weekends. I can come and go but I still have to be back to make sure I give her dinner and supper on weekends. I'm only 46 and I feel like its not fair to have to be looking after my mother since my children are out on their own. I feel selfish for feeling like this but I want my life back where I can come and go and be happy again. Now that she is in hospital I feel a relief. I want to know how I can talk to her about going into a home where she can be monitored by doctors because I never know when there is something wrong with her. She don't do anything for herself only go to the bathroom. I've tried to talk to her about doing things for herself but she complains her legs are bad and she don't have the strength in them. Twice in 2 weeks she called me at 3 in the morning to come down because she had fallen, but she didn't hurt herself. I can't take her back up in my living area to live, I did that for 8 months and she almost drove me insane. I know she wants to come back upstairs but I just can't do it no matter how her health is. How can I talk to her now while she is in hospital to convince her she will be healthier and happier in assisted living. She will not get any better only worse and I don't know how much more I can take. Sorry for babbling and don't even know if this makes any sense
There's no reasoning with dementia. They do whatever they do based on how it feels. Mom swore they were coming into her room at night and torturing her. They were moving her legs to make the horrible swelling go away.
Keep on Keeping on. When you can get a placement for her, things will get better.
This is my standard pep talk I'll share with you.
If you were doing something illegal or immoral, you should feel guilty. Looking out for mom's safety and well being is the opposite of illegal and immoral. It is noble and proper, and you have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. You are a GREAT DAUGHTER for having concerns and being willing to take action. Let us be the first to pat you on the back and celebrate your awareness and concern.
What you are feeling is manipulated by different factors. There are hundreds of thousands of people our age (I'm 44 this year) and older who have an entitled senior on our hands. We are supposed to abandon our adult responsibilities to care for them. NO! I have to keep working. I have to be a wife. I have to be a mother. I have to be responsible to myself. I have to pay into my own retirement fund! It's not 1940 anymore. We are living long past the ages our predecessors ever saw.
It's hard, but you have to challenge yourself to step outside the situation and be objective. If it were "Grandma Esther Walton" sitting at the table, smiling, peeling apples, and saying kind and warm things to Mary Ellen and Ben as they walked through, this home care deal would be great. Even when Esther had her stroke, it was only for a TV year, and then she died quite politely and nicely in bed. That is TV and nowhere remotely close to real life with a dementia patient. I laugh at this idea. Olivia Walton got to take off her apron and become Miss Michael Learned who drove home to her LA apartment at the end of the shoot.
Our parents want the Walton experience without comprehending that it is never going to be anything remotely close to that. That is NOT how dementia plays out.
I will write you a permission slip if it will help to enable you to take steps to move mom into care. So many reasons to.
Your home needs to be your sanctuary. You *have* to have a place to rest uninterrupted or you will not be strong. You will have health problems and start your own decline mentally and physically. This is not negotiable.
If mom's in a purpose-built place, she gets these things that none of us have at our houses:
- a fully staffed kitchen to prepare food
- a fully staffed cleaning crew
- pee-proof furniture and carpeting
- an activities director who is educated on how to work with dementia patients
- physical therapy for her mobility
- probably an on site doctor, dentist, and beauty shop
- 24/7 nursing with a hotline to the doctor. I do not have to make these connections to get my mom care. The nurses on staff talk directly to the doctor.
- Onsite pharmacy/or at least RX delivery. I am not running mom in & out to the doctor & pharmacy anymore. It comes to her.
- Access to geriatric specialist and geriatric psychiatry
- Fall-prevention program in place. People to assist with hands, walkers, whatever.
-Constant checks on her, constant interaction with other people, mental stimulation that is not just staring at TV
- Trained staff with equipment to safely transfer and change her when the time comes
We all wrestle with the guilt monster, but it's something you have to minimize to think clearly and make solid decisions based on safety and quality of care for mom. You have not failed. You have not been shown wanting. You are one person who has been strong and brave for a long time.
Having mom in a care facility will allow you to visit and just be the daughter. It's not you making her take her meds and move around. Your visits can be something that wouldn't be possible as a caregiver.
I hope we're helping you. ::HUGS::
"Mom, we both know that I never wanted this day to come, but it's just not possible for me to care for you at home any more without more help than you can afford. You need to be safe and you need profesisonal people around you who can keep you healthy".
I will also caution about using happiness as an indicator of anything. Happiness is not a good goal because it may not be possible.
Safety, security, and well being are a better scorecard than happiness will ever be.
Due to the nature of dementias and other progressive diseases, depression is common, personality changes happen, and looking for that happy adult you may have known in years past is like chasing a rainbow.
Yes, go look at different facilities and see what they have past assisted living. Assume mom's needs will change unpredictably and find out what happens when they do. How much can they offer for services? You don't want to be moving her often. The farther along this gets, the harder moves are.
Yes, I agree that at 46 you do need your life back.