Caregiving as a way to inherit stuff?

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Caregiving as a way to inherit stuff?

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Anyone else getting the feeling that many caregivers care about the pot at the end of the rainbow and not the person?

I'm beginning to believe there are many who would be amenable to the 'death panels' so many talk about re National Health Care by some of the posts.

I'm of the firm belief that when a loved one needs nursing home care and the government 'takes' half their money, then that relieves us taxpayers of having to foot the entire bill. Yet, many believe that their loved ones saved this money for them.

Parents don't owe their children anything. If they are wealthy, sure, but many of our parents are not wealthy and the government has to step in to foot the bill. Anytime the government does this, it should be seen more as a gift, not a burden.

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P PStern1966 Jun 2014 · Answer 1 · 2014-06-09T15:32:31.000-0400

I think most parents wish to leave an inheritance to their children, but it's up to the children to step up if they want to keep it from going to nursing homes or the government.

M Marialake Jun 2014 · Answer 2 · 2014-06-09T12:50:37.000-0400

Advancing civilization............marching on.
We humans were created to live and then to die. Medical science helps us in many ways but prolonging life for the elderly.................often not a good thing
When our bodies are screaming to die and we keep them going on and on......
I'm all about comfort and rest and peace for the elderly.
My husband died a horrible cancer death. So painful! Medicine did not keep him from suffering but I think prolonging his life (chemo etc) gave him time to suffer more? I'll never know for sure.

E eguillot Jun 2014 · Answer 3 · 2014-06-09T12:02:48.000-0400

Litldogtoo - My mom has the opposite problem - her skeletal system out while the rest of her is pretty good. She's in horrible pain most of the time, can't do a whole lot, but she's pretty healthy otherwise, and most of the time her mind is sharp as ever.

My MIL, at 91, has the constitution of an ox since she got her pacemaker/defibrillator 5 years ago, and will probably live quite awhile. Unfortunately, she now has shown signs of dementia, and my husband is up north with her now (has been for 2 weeks) getting things squared away and trying to make plans for her.

My mother signed a DNR the last time she went in the hospital, but she was in horrible pain at the time. I don't think she would sign one now. Her advanced directive is not like that. That is something I need to address with her again.

I believe our parents wishes need to be adhered to. I also believe that, to some extent, it needs to be something the survivors can live with. When my father went in for hernia surgery and aspirated before he was intubated, they were unable to get him off the ventilator. My father never wanted to be on a ventilator. He became septic. We were given the choice of removing him from the ventilator or letting him die. People were pushing us to make a decision. It was horrible. We went to a doctor who knew all of us, and he told us, "His body will make the decision for you within a few hours". He was right, and we didn't have to kill him. We had barely left the hospital and got home, when the phone rang and we had to go back.

K kazzaa Jun 2014 · Answer 4 · 2014-06-09T12:00:35.000-0400

Sorry thas "buy you a conscience". my head is fried and im finding spelling harder OOPS hope im not losing my mind!

K kazzaa Jun 2014 · Answer 5 · 2014-06-09T11:59:05.000-0400

Fading shadows i agree with you BUT there is a pot at the end of the rainbow and thats a peaceful mind knowing that you did this out of love! No amount of money can make up for that! I worry so much about how my siblings are going to cope when mum goes the regrets the guilt? If mum dies tomorrow i will be devastated but know that i was here for her and all the money cant but you a conscience!!

F FadingShadows Jun 2014 · Answer 6 · 2014-06-09T09:05:27.000-0400

Hmmm...I've been providing a good shelter, food, and essential necessities of life for my Mom for the past 40 years. She has given her money to my sister and to a lesser extent my brother for most of that time. Had she not given me the financial POA over her finances about 10 years ago, she would be penniless since my sister continues to have her rent and household help paid for from my mother's funds by me. When my Mom passes, I intend to give what little is in her account to my sister and my brother, half and half. There is a small burial policy to pay for any final expenses not already covered in her prepaid funeral services contract.

After all this time, not to mention all the life decisions made for her benefit, I will not inherit anything.

This has been a labor of love and responsibility and not without sacrifice for me and my husband.

So pot at the end of the rainbow. ROTFLMAO.

J JessieBelle Jun 2014 · Answer 7 · 2014-06-09T01:13:49.000-0400

movingup, you said it so well. We don't talk about it much on the group, but many seniors have a "mine, mine, mine" way about them if a caregiving child moves in. We often hear things like "It is my house," "It is my TV," "It is my money," etc. They refuse to consider paying a caregiver (outside or family) because they may need the money to live later. It ends up being a lot like the story of Cinderella, but with most of the sympathy and attention being given to the elder.

So why do caregivers go through it? Because someone needs to. In my family I know I am the only one who could do it. My brothers wouldn't be able to handle it. It isn't their fault. They've just led sheltered lives, while mine has been much tougher. There's not much I can't handle if I have to. (Feels good to compliment myself.)

My mother once talked of making me sole heir because she was upset that my brothers didn't pay attention to her. I told her to leave the will as it was, because I did not want her last word to my brothers to be one of anger. Besides, the money was earned by my father, who would not want his sons cut out of any that was left. Another reason is that my mother is a mean woman and if she was paying me or thought she was leaving me money, she would use it to abuse me.

Lildog, I get the feeling you are trying to back off your question. I do understand that reading a few of the random messages coming in that one might get the impression that it's about the estate for many people. I have a feeling that hard-core caregivers know it's not about money. It is probably mostly about a combination of love, obligation, and necessity. The sad result is that often the caregiver ends up exhausted, heartbroken, and in poverty. If there is an inheritance I would say it is money well earned. But for most the idea of inheritance is probably not meaningful. I could write a book on this, but I'll stop now.

M movingup Jun 2014 · Answer 8 · 2014-06-08T20:41:23.000-0400

Caregiving is a chancy method of getting an inheritance. There might not be much left if the parent lives a long time and they are very sickly and require professional care. Most of the time the elders end up in a nursing home even though the daughter made a valiant attempt to keep them at home, often at the expense of her own life.

Anyway the parent may just decide to leave all to the cat home at the last minute.

I do think the caregiver should be reimbursed for her work at the time of the work, if the parent has money. This is a way of giving the work the recognition it deserves. Enough of this "it's just common sense", of minimizing and belittling the effort involved. Also just being available, even though nothing is happening, is not nothing. Being available for the parent means not being available for all other opportunities, paid or not.

The trouble with my mother is that she doesn't want to pay anyone. She complains about the lack of workmen to fix the house but she begrudges paying them adequately and this in an area with plenty of jobs. She wants to sit on a pile of money and play power games with it. People should be happy to work for free for her.

T timbuktu Jun 2014 · Answer 9 · 2014-06-08T20:12:44.000-0400

My father died of leukemia.At the time the particular type he had there was little that could be done, had frequent blood transfusions,basically that was all that was keeping him going. My mother called me one morninging frantic because daddy didn't want anymore transfusions.I picked him up at the hospital after his last transfusion and I told him I will do whatever you want. I am retired nurse and sure I wanted to try this and that but it was his life and he was rational but tired and it was his right.I made sure his wishes were respected even though the narcissistic mother that now lives with me didn't want him dying in the house.I made sure she knew it was also his house and involved hospice,they were wonderful.He died in his bed , in his room with his little dog at his side because that is what he wanted.It might not have been what I wanted but it was his decision and I respected it and I believe he made it with a rational mind.

A anonymous158299 Jun 2014 · Answer 10 · 2014-06-08T20:02:58.000-0400

yea, lildog,
most of my moms regular maintenance meds were stopped when she was approved for hospice .
i suppose when a body is in even the early stages of death its silly to keep trying to invigorate it . dnr is self explanatory . i compare it to restarting a junk engine . one more burst of noise but the end result is still a rod thru the side of the block .

L Litldogtoo Jun 2014 · Answer 11 · 2014-06-08T19:46:42.000-0400

Captain - this is the way my father died, in the hospital after he'd had a stroke. He was headed for a nursing home (my mother thought she could care for him in her home but that wasn't going to happen) and what the doctors do is just take away the meds, bit but bit.

Let's face it, the meds are what keeps the patient alive, i.e., heart meds, high blood pressure meds, diabetic meds, etc. Once those are gone, that's it.

I always say they spent the years from 80-89 putting the body together and then from 90-whenever trying to take away the meds because the kidneys/liver can't handle them anymore.

I guess I'm looking at this more philosophically than most people. I look at my mom and just wonder why?

And I can't understand why others don't think this way. I'm a Catholic and I still ask Why? although I know the standard answers I'd get. But Why? What's the point?

I guess I am a bit 'depressed' over the whole thing. She's healthier than I am physically, but mentally, it's just not there. And I KNOW this because I've SEEN this with my MIL years ago.

I guess it's hard to see people get really old to a point where they can't bathe themselves, can't think enough to care what they look like, etc.

Today, I'm tired. Tomorrow, I may have a different outlook. But today, I'm tired.

And for those who are going to tell me to see a mental health professional or a doctor, been there, doing that.

A anonymous158299 Jun 2014 · Answer 12 · 2014-06-08T19:34:16.000-0400

there have always been " death panels " . its been called DNR and backed up with fatal doses of morphine . im unsure of the terminology but a doc can dispatch a person simply by witholding antibiotics that arent working without any consent from family .
been reading about D -day here at anniversary time . allied paratroopers were dropped behind nazi held lines by the tens of thousands . they carried two syringes of morphine -- 1 for pain , 2 for eternity ..
I didnt miss your point. Mine remains unchanged too. Anyone who sticks it out till an elder draws their last breath, has saved the taxpayer a fortune and most likely earned any inheritance they get . they done the heart wrenching work while the rest of the family hid out ..
i " grayed " a bit in my mothers last year of life .. my sis wussed out and partied with her church cult yet she sits in moms home and property, mortgage free. was inventorying her winnings as mom was cheynne - stokes breathing ..
bless the genuine , dedicated carers .. they arent doing it for the aloe vera plant or the new recliner ..

L Litldogtoo Jun 2014 · Answer 13 · 2014-06-08T19:17:26.000-0400

Ah, but I didn't say everyone is doing it for the pot. I'm suggesting that there are those who feel they are entitled to the pot.

I take care of my mother because I'm the only daughter. Like someone else who posted, she's better off with me because I have the money and I can get her what she needs and take her out whereas if she lived alone and/or had in home health care, she'd kind of be stuck.

As for the 'death panels'. It wasn't a political statement. It was what I perceive as a reality at some point in our future. People are going to start realizing that while the body is super healthy, the brain is dysfunctional. In my opinion, it's the brain that is the person. When that's lost, there is no longer a person.

So, please re read what I wrote.

I'm talking about those who want to know if houses belong to them after two years of caring for people, etc., etc.

I'm not talking about people who do this out of love.

A anonymous158299 Jun 2014 · Answer 14 · 2014-06-08T18:30:50.000-0400

texarcana,
yup , id say your care for your mom is a bargain for her .

L Labs4me Jun 2014 · Answer 15 · 2014-06-08T14:37:33.000-0400

Thank you JessieBelle.

J JessieBelle Jun 2014 · Answer 16 · 2014-06-08T14:22:12.000-0400

Debralee, I didn't know. I am so sorry.

L Labs4me Jun 2014 · Answer 17 · 2014-06-08T14:17:41.000-0400

There is no pot at the end of the rainbow! My mother died a while back leaving an inheritence to my sisters and me. How do I feel? Poorer than before she died. Sure I am financially richer, but have become totally impoverished as a daughter-no mother. I find no joy in gaining an inheritence at the expense of losing my mother. I know this is what my mother wanted, but losing a mother has no financial rewards.

N Nikki99 Jun 2014 · Answer 18 · 2014-06-08T14:03:01.000-0400

I am BROKE because I can't get a job to support myself because my mom only wants ME for a companion every day. I'm an only child (well, when I was a child, I mean) and my father busted his ass and invested money. There is money there. I know he would not be thrilled that she is pissing it away on fake flowers and candleholders every week. I mean she spends about $1000 a month no lie, on knick-knacks while I struggle to stay home (for her) to take care of her. I would love to get a job but I know without a savings I will need that money at some point. Go ahead and flame me, I don't care. I know I am earning every penny of it. I am the chauffer, the cook, the pharmacist, the bill payer, the landscape service. Her body is in great shape for 91 but her mind is going, and being a closet victim type narc as she is, it makes my life super hard. (do I sound like one too?) she will be here a long time, I think. And that would be wonderful but she takes and doesn't give back, and has no thoughts or care for how anyone is affected except her. So I am doing it because she is my mother, and because I promised dad on his deathbed I would. I do it out of duty, and some love, but because it's the right thing to do. But at what cost? I give her more care and attention than she would get on the outside, but I still wish she would allow me to get help in.

T timbuktu Jun 2014 · Answer 19 · 2014-06-08T13:57:48.000-0400

Even though I had retired I had taken a part time job I loved and need to supplement my retirement. When it was obvious my mother could no longer live by herself safely,and we had discussed this earlier, we sold her house and all other properties and put in CDs, she moved in with me and I quit my job and she is now my "job". I don't pay myself a formal salary.The utilities and house ,car insurance come out of my money.Any money of hers we used for things for her,like her new electric chair,a new cpap machine.,Yes we added a nice fence to our property but with her blessing because of all our dogs,including her 2 so none of us had to worry about letting the dogs out, I am to old to run after them, we also built a new deck with ramps with her money for her,she loves sitting on the deck and the ramps make it safer for her, basically I feel she gets more for her money living with me than she would at a nursing home because at a NH her nurse would have more than one patient. Here with use she has 2 old retired nurses all to herself. I am an only child and thankfully don't have nosey siblings wanting to know where all the money is. I know I can take better care of my mother here at my house than a NH and when or if she ever becomes bedridden sitters will be hired using her money so I can sleep at night. This still is cheaper than a NH and better care than a NH can provide.Also bought the Cadillac of bedside commodes for her and I have a great baby monitor in her room that has night vision, again bought with her money.Not to mention all the paper towels for cleaning up after the dogs. I don't feel guilty spending her money because it is stuff for her.Sure I enjoy the new deck and nice fence to.But I don't take vacations, don't buy new cars,don't buy myself new clothes, I use her money for her care and to make it easier for me to take care of her. I feel also the day is coming I am going to need to buy a hospital bed for her but again that is what those CDs are for and it will be a better bed than she would have in the NH.The NH would take everything and still not give the personalized care I can and do give.

A anonymous158299 Jun 2014 · Answer 20 · 2014-06-07T13:11:00.000-0400

jesse,
" selflessness "
ive been taking edna breakfast for several months . donut , or biscuits / gravy , maybe a sausage / egg sandwich . never been compensated for any of this . im getting healthier from the hepc treatment , brain is working better . i didnt take breakfast this morning , just fixed her meds and left . no country ride this afternoon . i guess a person should find the line between being kind and being taken advantage of . she'd like to see her checking balance healthier . yes edna , so would i ..
ill still watch out for her but i wont be a damned fool .

S Sodonewithsal1 Jun 2014 · Answer 21 · 2014-06-07T13:02:39.000-0400

Death panels? Really? They were a fantasy dreamed up by Sarah Palin and posted on her Facebook page back in 2009. A national poll voted it the biggest lie of the year. Still, conservative Republicans continue to dredge up the threat of hapless elderly people being put to death involuntarily as part of their attacks on the affordable Care Act.

Rick Santorum, while he was campaigning for president in 2012, insisted that in the Netherlands, old people customarily wear wristbands imprinted with the words "Do Not Euthanize Me," so they're not dragged off and put to death against their will. That was a complete fabrication, but it made a compelling image.

Politicians of all stripes are very good at lying.

J JessieBelle Jun 2014 · Answer 22 · 2014-06-07T12:21:01.000-0400

I am trying to mesh together the ideas of greed and hands-on caregiving. The two don't seem to go together at all. I'm sure there are some cases that are the exception, but I wouldn't expect many. I associate greed with narcissism and hands-on caregiving with selflessness. It's hard to associate the two.

But I did realize that I don't think that selflessness is a good thing. It is a good way of getting lost to ourselves.

J JessieBelle Jun 2014 · Answer 23 · 2014-06-07T12:09:01.000-0400

I look more like Granny Clampett now. :D

A anonymous179890 Jun 2014 · Answer 24 · 2014-06-07T11:07:56.000-0400

In most cases the caregiver always stands to lose, some or everything. I quit my career, sold my home and moved 200km to care for my mother for 4+ years. Over those years I lost about $300,000 in salary. Now at retirement age, I'm starting again from scratch with a tiny fixer upper home. I have financial and medical POA and do all I can to preserve finances for her NH care. I spend next to nothing on myself. In fact, on my way out to mow yesterday, I caught sight of myself in a window and it struck me just how much I resembled Jed Clampet, hat and all lol

J JessieBelle Jun 2014 · Answer 25 · 2014-06-06T21:50:39.000-0400

Lildog, I've been on the site for a long time and I'm not really sure if I understand what you're meaning about people here. We do come here to vent about things, and thank goodness there is a place to let off some steam. But I imagine most people here are pretty much in the same general position that I am in -- unpaid, supporting myself, and with no big estate awaiting. What is left, if anything, will be divided four ways. The three non-caregivers will get the same share as the caregiver. Is this fair? Probably not, but my mother won't consider paying for care from family. She thinks my two rent-free rooms at the house are enough. If I had not saved a little myself, I would not be able to afford to do this.

Some people here do not have time for a job and have no savings. They worry about if their parent can qualify for Medicaid. I can only remember one or two stories here where there was much of an estate at all. Inheritance is something that is becoming a rarity as life gets longer and end of life care is so expensive.

V vegaslady Jun 2014 · Answer 26 · 2014-06-06T19:56:18.000-0400

Relax, I wasn't offended at all. It's just that sometimes I want to concentrate on today and not look all the way down the road. It can take a lot to offend me. I retired from a career as a Revenue Officer (field tax collector) for the IRS. I like to say that when you get hired they give you a physical....to see if your skin is thick enough and if your blood runs cold enough.

A anonymous158299 Jun 2014 · Answer 27 · 2014-06-06T19:54:24.000-0400

equillot,
i still had my own home -- sitting empty in the sticks unprotected . i was camping at moms house for 6 years and it never felt like home . i was saving her enough by cooking good meals from scratch to pay my additional utilities i figured . never charged her for auto / home maintenance , never asked for much . i had my own bills ..
drew up a carer contract only when it seemed legally necessary . i never drew a dime of it but she swung my 400. 00 worth of bills per month when i could no longer go out to work. about 6 months of it . i think she got a good deal. stayed in her home till she died with her son and loudmouthed parrot .. its what she wanted ..

P pamzimmrrt Jun 2014 · Answer 28 · 2014-06-06T19:30:13.000-0400

I know my parents worked their butts off to have money in the bank, and to leave it to me. They have moved in with me a year ago, and I handle thier finaces now.I always knew I was lucky.. but now I am more concerned about thier future care than MY future care. I hope I am not alone in this, and I know from this site that I am not. Whatever needs they have will come first, and I believe they have enough. I'll deal with me when the time comes.

C Countrymouse Jun 2014 · Answer 29 · 2014-06-06T19:21:14.000-0400

"Anyone else getting the feeling that many caregivers care about the pot at the end of the rainbow and not the person?"

Litldogtoo, I suspect that that feeling is common, perhaps very common, among non-caregiving siblings of caregivers. That's mainly because they haven't tried it; and I suspect partly a way of relieving their own sense of guilt. If they can ascribe an ulterior motive to the caregiver, it gets them off the moral hook.

Among caregivers, your question will get more in the way of hysterical laughter. I mean, I really like the Chinese rug my grandmother left my mother, but it would be easier and cheaper just to buy my own.

E eguillot Jun 2014 · Answer 30 · 2014-06-06T19:18:53.000-0400

Hey Capt - When my husband, me and my Mom moved in together 3 years ago, we had just lost our home. Mom sold her condo and bought a larger home that was suitable for all of us. We pay her rent and 1/2 the utilities - and I ended up being her caregiver. Go figure. No our rent is reduced by $350 a month to help compensate for our reduced income since my husband retired - and we were never paying a HUGE rent, but still fair, considering we don't have a whole house to ourselves ($750). I always figured we'd have to pay rent wherever we were, and this was a far nicer place than we could have afforded otherwise. We share the cost of groceries, share everything. Mom takes us out to eat quite often, so it's nice. We all get along really well, and enjoy each others company. I'm not upset about our financial arrangement at all. I think my husband would feel demasculated if we didn't pay our own way. He loves my Mom, but won't take more from her than he feels is appropriate. One of the reasons she loves him, too.

I just found out that my husband, who is up with his mother in Spokane, had her add me to her will. I told him to change it. That is not appropriate. Her stuff should stay in her family. She's always felt that way. She only did that because he asked her to.

Caregiving as a way to inherit stuff?

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