I finally got away for a long weekend to go to Arkansas to be with two of my sons and their girlfriends. The oldest will be having a baby in Deceber and I have been collecting things for them since I first found out about the baby. This was to be my time with them and take all the baby stuff to them, enjoy all the kids company and just get away from mom and relax. I did all that...AIt was wonderful. We laughed, ate, goofed around and just had a wonderful time. Now I am back home with mom...and never reliazed just how much I don't want to be here. I am uglier to her, or at least in my mind, I hope I don't come off that way,then I was before and so much more discontent. I love her so very much, but after 3 years of it being just her and me...I am so very tired of it. When she told me she was so happy to have me home...I couldn't say the same...I think I said something like, I am just so tired from my long trip. I was not happy to be home. The thought of just going back into the old routine of our lives just makes me want to scream and it is going to happen. I am here and will be here until God takes her home or I can no longer physically care for her any more. I am not asking for advice this time....there really isn't much of anything that can be done about the situation. I am here, she needs me here and I have no place else to go anyway. I cannot put her in a home...it would break her heart...I can't do that...there is noone else to care for her...they are too far away. I don't have an outlet...work, church are the only places I go, my income is very limited...I am stuck and I am so afraid the depression will overwhelm me. I look at her, she is so frail, loving, caring and a pure pain in my butt....yet, she is my pain. I don't know how all this really became so emotionally overwhelming...but it did and I think I am going to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now my other problem is my future guilt....I feel I do not give to her what she deserves...she is a kind lady...a bit difficult, frustrating and even some of her kindness just irratates me...I am to the point when no matter what she says or does, just grinds on my nerves....I told her I wish I was allowed to get mad, upset, frustrated, yell, scream, rant and rave...but she will not let me, she gets so upset and actually has a hard time breathing!!!! I guess I hold so much in that when I do let it go...it is big...........I havent figured out yet how to deal with this...but I will. I asked her to let me show my emotions, let me get mad or whatever else I feel...that is all it is, feelings and then I get over it and go on. I just get so tired of having to get permission to have emotions!!!!!!!!!! for fear of how she is going to react to them. I told her at the times I am ready to explode, I wish she wasn't around so I could without fear of her reaction. She didn't know what to say to this. I just hope when all is said and done, I can look back and say I did my best...since none of you know the inside me, I am the only one who can evaluate this. I just know I want to love my mom again, as my mom...and the odds of this happening is pretty slim to none...well that is what is today...no telling what tomorrow will bring...cwgrl
So, who watched her while you were gone? Maybe she is OK alone for a few days at a time? Maybe you need to create some more space in your life? Lots of activities do not cost money, and they are healthy and mind/life saving.
You saw the contrast in your home life with her and your freedom in getting away. BLAAAAH!!! Try to find a balance for yourself so it is not one extreme or the other.
This is a good time to BREATHE. Purposeful breathing to calm yourself and find your center to balance your life. I know you can do it. What a good daughter you are, and you are being Blessed as we blog.
Remember that some things we are momentarily involved in are being stored away for later reward. Keep venting and taking care of yourself:) Big Hugs, Christina
I know you didn't ask for advice, but as a nurse, I would just ask that you seek advice from a physician about your depression. There may be a TEMPORARY help. Also, call your Area Agency on Aging and ask if they have a respite scholarship program so that you can schedule at LEAST 2 hours a week to get away and do something for yourself. You really can't go on like this. Remember: a car doesn't run without gas; a caregiver doesn't run without some self care.
Blessings,
Shelley Webb