Caring for my dad almost ruined our lives.

You guys are scaring me to death.... So far my mom lives in her own apt, with lots of help, and the confusion/forgetfulness is only because of her pain meds (I hope). The possibility of dementia is frightening, because I entertain elderly ladies once or twice a week for a couple hours, and they, too, are forgetful/confused - pretty soon I will be, also! (P.S. She will not come to our house, because we already did that, for 3 years, and NO ONE was happy....) You ARE teaching us, though, and it is really appreciated; hang in there....

Soloinny-Right! Lol. This is perfect. Small fridge ✅. We have this coat closet that we had to turn into a pantry with a lock. All sharps and anything he can open are in there. For his tv- he plays with the buttons, the volume at 3 in the morning. Boy! luckily it's one of the old ones with the option to lock front panel making it operational only with remote. But resets when power cord is unplugged then replugged. He recently discovered this. Wall mount didn't think about that. We were looking into a tv case- water tamper and dad proof. I'm buying zip ties today! Have a question about the outlets. If they are dismantled how does he receive electricity to his room. For light and tv? Very helpful thanks

Of course it did! I don't recommend that one person take on caregiving! The mental and physicial strain takes a toll on everyone involved...in this case, except the abusive elder! Seek out help with town's social worker.

Staceyb- it does give me ideas for the "future" mobility issues. Right now he's very mobile. His back hurts him some because of a past injury. But other then that. He moves around and is into everything. Right now his thing is pulling out wires. Got a cable wire sticking out your wall or you cable box, dads on it. No more cable. So we've got the smaller electronics with wires locked up and we bring them out as needed. Praying that the flat screen stays safe.

LWD, so you intend to hang in there, I get it, I really do, as it was/is a cultural thing for us too, my folks were from Wales and all the way dow the line, kids looked after their elders, so its kind of ingrained into us. I came from a big family who all helped, so we had it a lot easier than most, plus our parents were lovely and appreciative, which makes all the difference in the World!

Now mt husband's family is completely fractured, coming from a very dysfunctional family, and we were the only ones who stepped up when my MIL passed away, to look after the Old Man who had never lived on his own in his whole life, and as afraid to even try. Plus, after he moved in with us, it became clear to me that he was the reason why their family was so dysfunctional in the first place, as he is a selfish Narcissist, who is only interested in his own wellbeing before anything else! I does make it difficult to live with, but after coming on here several years ago, I learned SO much, and really appreciate the feedback and the knowledge from the Best, and those who have worked in the trenches!

So now thatvwe know that you are IN IT TO WIN IT!, Lol, and you mentioned that your Dad has mobility issues, my suggestion to you is to get PT and OT in to make him as strong as possible, and o make your home as Safe as possible. Remember, you are getting older too, and trying to care for a fully grown adult who is falling and can't get up, is a B*#@H on your back! He might finght you on it, but keep at it, as he can prolong his mobility if he keeps his leg muscle strength up! Stretchy bands, those stationary exercise pedals, where he can sit and "cycle", and a Rolator Walker helps A Lot, giving him stability, plus a place to sit, should he get tired. Anything that will keep him walking on his own, is going to give you relief in the long run.

My FIL got very lazy, after he quit driving, and was just itting around ll day watching TV, but PT got him understanding that it is a USE IT OR LOSE IT proposition, and if he ends up ed bound, then neither my husband nor I could physically continue to are for him at home due to our own physical disabilities, and he would end up in a nursing home, no if ands or buts. Now he walks the circle of our home, several laps, 3-4 times a day, and it really has kept him much more stable. That's it for now, I hope this gives you some helpful ideas! Up to this point, we aren't dealing with Dementia, snd I know his puts a lot of added pressure on you, and I'm really sorry about that!

I don't know much about the Amish, but for us Maybe its a cultural thing. It's just what we do, how we live. When our parent(s) gets old or sick we, the children, get them. I'm the eldest. Luck of the draw. I got him. So in turn so did my hub and kid. I've really never questioned it. It just is. My fathers aunt is in the end stage of dementia and still living at home. Her children and grandchildren all take turns caring for her. My grandmother Moves from one child to the next. Depending on which state she wants to live in. My MIL took turns living with each of her children as while. 10 years later when her cancer returned, my hubbys younger sister had her until her death. All the children helped. And I agree it is great conversation. But most of it involves suggestions about putting my dad in a nursing home or somewhere, anywhere not with us. I have read everyone comments. Tried to clarify Some repeats on questions. Believe me when I say- sister and I research. Have a file cabinet drawer just for him. Notes, names, numbers. When he first started acting weird. We started making calls and asking questions. Nursing home. Bing. On our radar. Group homes, adult day care, assisted living. Anything we found we looked into. Medicaid, Medicare, dept of aging. One way or other he doesn't qualify for financial help and we just can't afford to put him anywhere. But we are still continuing the search for options. Until then life goes on. As for my family. This all started about 5yrs ago, our mental blow up. And have since pulled ourselves together. We've learned to communicate with each other more positively. Our relationship with each other is, for lack of a better word, Normal. My husband and I are also doing fine. dads been living with us about 2 1/2 years now. It's been one challenge after another learning how to care for him as he changes. So yes we already know how hard it's going to be. It already is and will continue to be. He's still able to use the toilet. Next step is full on incontinence and cleaning him after. Maybe mobility issues. Which might be a good break from having to chase him around. We're making plans to try and get ahead of this. Single story home. Wider doorways. Putting in sink faucets and light switches with motion detector. Walk-in shower. If anyone has suggestions on how to live "with" him. What to expect. What you did that helped. That would be great. Because now, currently, living with him is the option and we would like pointers on that.
staceyb- I'll be looking into Aid and attendance. And see about speaking to someone at the senior center. Thanks for the luck.
To everyone- thank you for the time and feeling you put into your posts. I do look forward to reading these.

LWD, so, will you plan to search out some of these suggestions? What about adult daycare, which might be a really great option for your Dad, as then he can be around other people in his own age bracket and have similar struggles. Just you yourself going to yor local Senior Center and speaking with one of the directors might give you some ideas and suggestions of what might be a good fit for your Dad, plus, they are a great resource for many of your questions. Was your Dad ever in the military? There are many opportunities for help with Veterans Services, and that would be a good place to look too! He may be eligible for Aid and Attendance, receiving up of a couple of thousand dollars each month, many are, but ont know about this underused option, and there is a lot of information about that, right here on this site! It all starts out with a phone call! Eventually, you are going to need help, so the sooner you begin researching these avenues, the better.

I don't want to be pushy, but I see myself in you, waiting til you are beyond burnt out, and crying in frustration that you are all alone in this, when there is help available for him and you! I know you Love your Dad, and he's so Lucky to have you in his corner, I just don't want you to get to that point like We did. I suggest you get a notebook, write down names and numbers, and do some homework, so that when the time comes, you will be armed with some resources to help you. Good luck!

Hello again, LifeWithDad - Great conversation! Thank you for offering up yourself and your situation to generate all of this great discussion. I hear where you are coming from. I am big on family and that family support each other, especially the elderly who, let's face it, no one wants to deal with. I love the Amish model of family. But it is a model that is slowly becoming problematic simply because people are living so long. You are doing a noble thing. As the sole daughter/caregiver I felt like I could do it all too. But I didn't realize how involved - and how long! - everything would go on. I have a full-time job with a one-hour one-way commute. I have a long-distance relationship that has been put on hold for literally years because of his mom and mine. I have a "difficult personality" mom who just turned 90. It is not a scenario that just brings you down in a crash one day. It is a gradual wearing down that impacts you and everyone who cares about you. Paid helpers are there except for the roughly 25 hours that I am there. Sounds great? It is a huge help, but that doesn't mean there still aren't phone calls, shopping to do, paperwork to manage. I am on a very tight leash, so to speak, with mega commitments. My biggest concern for you is what everyone in your family has already sacrificed and the fact that there may be many more years of it to come. Advice from someone - me! - trying to do this: You need to care, love, and stay involved with your dad, but you HAVE to find some sort of balance so that you and your family can live a semi-normal life. If it all blows up, at the end of the day you can have the grim satisfaction that you fulfilled your self-imposed obligation to your dad - but at what cost? Finding the balance is hard, but that's what this discussion is all about. I will be listening for answers as well! :) Take care.

Title is mine. He was not the best person to other people. Used fear to control them. Especially to his women and their children. Verbally and physically abusive to them. But to his blood children he was always there for. We got slapped a couple times as teens for smoking pot and lying but nothing bad. He made sure we were good. Absent at the worst. Parties, drugs. Just a bad lifestyle he was into. He was always there for me and as an adult to both my husband and I. Weather it was financially or to just talk. I guess knowing what I meant and writing it gave off a different meaning to those not familiar with us. What I meant by caring(taking care of) almost ruined ours lives. Was my first introduction into this world that is dementia. knowing he's different towards us but not understanding why. How that affected us as individuals and as a whole. All the fighting, hurtful words and blame. How we almost lost ourselves. Then realizing what was actually going on with him and each other. To now, how we are slowly putting ourselves together at the same time dealing with dad. It's supposed to be a message of hope and love. Yeah it does get bad. But It can it better. For us it's our love for each other that's keeps us going. Just Making the best out of our circumstance. That's all I was trying to say. I don't know if this cleared it up or made it worse. There it is.

LWD, did you write the title of this thread yourself or did the moderators rewrite it for you? The mods do that sometimes. The title does set people's thinking in a certain way, particularly after reading of your father's girlfriends and baby's mommas. I had this picture of him as an absent father that you had kept in touch with until he went off the grid and ended up homeless. This is what colored my response to you most of all. Sometimes we can end up looking for the father we never had and hoping that this person will become our father if we try hard enough. The original impression I got was apparently the wrong one.

I think you need to have Dad evaluated by Medicaid. At 62 he can get Social Security if he has paid into it, if not SSI. With hiss history maybe he would qualify for a group home. I don't think children should be subjected to any kind of abuser. Our marriages should not suffer either. When we marry, our spouses become #1. The only thing you owe a parent is that u make sure they are taken care of. Doesn't mean you have to be the one providing care.

Staceyb- I hear you. All of you. I did get alittle pissy there for a second. But I saw the concern you all had for my family. And sucked it back up. Right now, for his age, he's to young for some of the programs and just getting a few dollars to much for others. If it was a basic nursing home. No prob. But he needs memory care as while as 24 supervision, and hands on help with basic care. And that's more monthly then husband and I make. So for now or until I see something open up. this is what it is.

Linda22- all cents welcome. It's good to read everyone's comments. And see a different point of view. There might be mention of something I've over looked. But I too have worried about time spent with them and have asked my husband and daughter for their advise on how to possibly make things better for us. We changed a few things and Compared to the beginning, things are better. We have a long way to go yet. Plus there's talk of my sister moving state to help with the dad. So unless one of us hits the jack pot or that California lotto. We've got him.

You really need to consider that your Dad is in his early 60's, and he could easily be around for 30+ more years! Many people on this site are Still caring for their Loved ones in their 90's and even over 100! Modern medicine is keeping people alive Way longer than they used to, and even then, do you really think it's OK to put this kind of burden on your husband, and YES, it does become a Burden! Not because he wants to be, but because he is aging, right along side both you and your husband. Soon, you won't be able to leave the house, and leave him home alone, for fear he will fall, or burn the house down. You aren't doing your marriage any favors, and marriage is hard enough, without having a third wheel taking up so much of your time,money and energy, and again, it Will only get worse, no matter how much you Love him! I loved my parents too! I was lucky enough to have 5 siblings, all very active in their care through extremely difficult diseases which ultimately took their lives, my MIL too! Now, we have been stuck with my FIL, and finally after 13 years of him (a Narcissist btw) living in our home, we are both to our breaking point, and are looking to place him in Assisted living in the spring, so that we can get on with our lives. We've been married 32 years, a good solid marriage, but believe me, it has definitely been tested a few times these past 13 years! We have no intentions of abandoning him, but we will be caring for him in a different way, in order to save ourselves and begin enjoying our lives for a change. We deserve it and so do you! And we also raised 4 fabulous kids, and I feel we set a great example of how to care for our parents, but believe me, I would Never Ever expect one of our kids to care for us in our old age, and have made this very clear, as it is not fair to burden your children, knowing this after having experienced it first hand!

Maybe you aren't to the burnout stage yet, maybe you are just beginning to feel the pressure of caring for and elder. Your Dad is still young, when his health starts to control every aspect of your life, that is when your thinking begins to change, and you begin to understand the importance of addressing your concerns head on, it definitely took me a while, but we are getting older too, and have our own health concerns! Why do you think all these people are here on this site, looking for answers just like you? We all start off looking for advice, and then come to realize that we all have that same something in common, that WE are the designated child of a parent, and most of us get no help from our siblings, or our parents have become a drain on our lives beyond what we can give any longer. Some come from very dysfunctional parents and families and soon, if you stick around here long enough, you will find that many have been in your exact same shoes and you will form a great network of folks who are here to help and who are willing to give you great advice, which sometimes isn't always warm and fuzzy, but the good intention is still there! My husband's siblings don't have anything to do with their Dad, it's always been just hubby and I doing all the work, and it gets tiring, and you become extremely resentful when nobody else steps up to help you!

It sounds like you don't have an extended support system in place, other siblings who able to truly relieve you when you get to your wits end. And eventually, somethings Gotta Give, and hopefully it won't be your marriage that suffers! Please find some help, and show your husband that you will put Him first before your Dad and his care run you both to the ground.

Yes, I do believe that family should stick together, but you can do this, continue to be there for him, and continue to advocate for him and his ongoing health concerns, but he doesn't have to run your entire life, and you can do this with him living in another place. There are low income housing for Seniors, where the rent is based on his income level. Does he get SS, or any othe retirement benefits? SS Disability? Veterans also can get some financial aid. There are many avenues to research, to find him aid and assistance, and the sooner you look into them the better!

I am sure you have set a good example for your daughter, but it's time for her to start building a life of her own, get her education and experience life outside of caregiving. That will come soon enough, when shevis advocating for you and your husband later in her life, you will continue to show her how it's done, but don't shortchanged your life or that of your husband's! Show her how it can be done so everyone can have a good life and not sacrifice or the sake of one person who didn't make the best choices in his life!

All sorts of different things trigger guilt though....like children grown and on their own while we're tending to our parents. Time not taken with our spouse to nurture that relationship because we're tending to a parent. Trips not taken, things not done because there's time later when we're not caregivers. And sometimes life hits and health issues hit, and we're not physically able to do those things later when we have the time. I have no guilt that I'm no longer caring for my mom personally. But I do carry guilt about not being as present for my husband and kids because I was being a daughter so much. Just my two cents.

Huh I see. I sort of compacted everything. Dad as I understand it is in the later stage of dementia and is still mobile. Barely remembers that I am his daughter. Doesn't remember he smokes or the types of food he prefers. Doesn't remember alcohol or drugs. He'll eat basically anything we give to him. So no he doesn't sneak off to get a drink. He used to be a violent man but now just cusses us out when he doesn't get what he wants. He repeats himself and talks a lot all night and all day. Is Always confused. Lights on,off,on, off. Into everything and breaks all things. He doesn't have long. Daughter watches him 2 hrs/day; 4 days/wk. makes him lunch and keeps him out of trouble. does what she wants on the weekends. So I pay her for those 8 hrs that she would otherwise be working for. She starts college soon so will be doing that. What do I get out of it?? IDK guilt free living. I really don't get anything good out of it. Always have to stay ahead of dad. Now, today he is more irritating then anything else and needs to be watched. This is just a pinch of our lives. When he is gone. There will be the rest left.

I agree with you, CarlaCB. LW is getting something out of this situation. Her husband and daughter should not be dragged into it, there are, or sometime soon will be, resources through agencies available that LW should seriously start looking into. ......I wonder, LW, is Daddy on the wagon, or still drinking? I'm curious as to what day to day life is like. Does he sneak booze into the house? Does he disappear for hours or days? Does he go down to 'talk to his friends' at the corner tavern? What is it, that his care entails? I'm genuinely curious. It sounds like a h3llish life, and though you feel you are doing the best thing now, it will probably get much worse. Your daughter shouldn't be involved. This is on you, since you choose to embrace it. (I don't know about your husband.) And in case you think I'm an old meanie, I was responsible for caregiving to my abusive, mentally ill mother for some years, and I also have a 300 lbs. schizophrenic/bipolar brother living in a group home to dance attendance to. He lives in a very nice place, and I buy him a few things as needed, lunches, haircuts, some clothes from the thrift store. But I will tell you this, he will NEVER come to live with me. I am too old and my husband most certainly won't have it.

LWD - I'm sorry I ruffled your feathers, but I don't agree with anything you've said. What made me think your daughter is not being considered is that already expressed to you her unhappiness about not having the freedoms that other people her age have. And that you pay her something to make her burden a little easier. I think it's unfair to her to have to be an ongoing part of a 24/7 care obligation that only involves 2 other people.

As far as a family member being everyone's responsibility, that again is your belief and I don't agree with it, and I wouldn't be shocked if your daughter and/or your husband don't either. Your father has made his own bed. It's his responsibility. If I were your daughter I would seriously resent your attempt to "teach" me such a belief at the cost of my own freedom and opportunities. It's contradictory to say in one breath that she has a choice and to say in the next that you're trying to "teach" her that your father is the whole family's responsibility. That sounds like a "choice" with a whole lot of pressure in one direction.

It's obvious you couldn't do this without them, and I think that's the problem. It sounds like you believe it has to be this way and you're imposing that belief on the rest of the family on the theory that it's everyone's duty. Again, that's a belief, not a fact, and not everyone will necessarily agree.

CarlaCB- wow.. ok. Your opinion. I wouldn't be able to do this if I was single. I wouldn't be able to do this without them. Something that I have learned so far. As for choices. Both my husband and daughter have a choice. Still do. And they chose to help. I hear them. Even when they don't speak I hear them. What made you think I don't take in their points of view? I've also researched my options and still doing so. I'm sorry if you wouldn't keep a parent in your home. I'm glad that your not in my place. Because that would leave my dad homeless while I explore and exhausted all options, and maybe not even then. I would also like to point out. A Family member is everyone's responsibility. I want my daughter to learn this. So she can teach this to her children. Would I want to be thrown away when I get old. No. would you.

LWD - I realize you're trying to do the right thing here, but I really don't agree with your reasoning. It would be one thing if you were single and could devote your life to Dad without affecting anyone else's life. But you are calling on your husband and daughter to make sacrifices that they may not be willing to make.

This is really not the only choice you have as human beings. You may feel it's the only choice for you, but everyone (I mean your husband and your daughter) should be free to make their own choices, and their points of view should be taken into account. Your father has made terrible choices with his life. I'm pretty sure that's not your responsibility, and I'm absolutely sure it's not your husband's or your daughter's responsibility. In your place, I wouldn't keep the parent in my home unless every other possibility was explored and exhausted, and maybe not even then.

Continued:
Nursing homes sadly are not an option.
Joy17- I'll double check on that Angency for aging. I think they told me a few years back 63 yrs and up. He's to young. Sister comes in one day a month to break us. Working on a hobby for hubby.
1RareFind- he's been with us over two yrs now and no longer homeless.
Ferris1-my life has never been easy. This made me realize that I didn't have it as together as i thought.
John Joe-maybe not so heartbreaking as hopeful. Hopeful that maybe life can continue as before with just a bit more wisdom.
Lassi- sorry no question. There is no living free for dad. He has alcohol induced dementia. It's required that he has 24 hr. supervision which the three of us provide. We work around each other schedules. Daughter didn't "get away" but she is continuing on with her life and she's also helping to care for her family.
Tornadojan, Jessie Belle and Friendly-
How do I chose one over the other. I am all that my dad has right now. There's no one else that will take him. No friends, no family and no money. No one wants him. If I give him up. He's in the streets. I really wouldn't be able to live a healthy full life knowing I made a decision like that. Yes, it isn't fair to them(husband and daughter) but dad is family and This is the only choice We have as a human beings. I'll keep him and i'll keep my family. I know It will get very hard. And honestly I'm scared.
Thank you for your comments. Its interesting to see all your views and takes on what I wrote. Had to stop myself from getting defensive on a few. I try to keep an open mind.

A point well made to tomadojan, I confess I completely overlooked that important point. Well done.

LifewithDad, there is help out there! You don't HAVE to have him living with you and putting so much pressure on your life, your daughter's life and your marriage. Do some online research on Dementia and mental illness, and finding avenues and arrangements that could help to make yours and his life more manageable. Call your area's Agency on Aging, as each county has one, and they will help you to find places that might help. Whether it is with mental health, medical , respite, food resources, and even placement in a different living environment, they will help you to sort some of these things out. If he is a Veteran, there is even more help available to him. You may not need it all now, but be made aware of what you might need n the future, as these sorts of situations tend to get worse and not better, just ask me, I've had my 86 year old FIL living with us for the past 13 years! It's rough! Do your homework, as the consequences to your life and your marriage are at risk of becoming the fallout to your kindness and commitment to your Dad, who has made some very poor choices over the years. Don't let that happen to you! You can still be a good and commited daughter, just from a distance!

Sorry, didn't realize I had to put in a question. I thought to write in as a discussion. I guess I wanted this to show both sides. that it is hard. The ups, the downs. Love and yes even hate. To show that there is hope. If you're naturally a good and caring person-easy right. You get right on with it. I thought we were, turns out we aren't. So, as much as i see my dad changing because of dementia. I saw a change in us as while. We sucked as people, my husband and I as parents. No excuses. And even though I can't change my father, We can change. I mean it's one thing to see it in your self(the bad). But to see it in your child. It hurt. I want her to be a better person.
So to clarify and answer some of your questions
Cetude- All sorts of test were done in the ER. He has a form of dementia.

LifewithDad - Sounds like you and your family have over done your "duty" with an ungrateful person (your dad) on the receiving end. There are agencies that can help/treat/take care of your dad, either private pay which doesn't seem to be an option in his case but there's medicare and medicaid. My dad is in an PC facility-thank God cuz the option of living with us WAS NOT AN OPTION. So please get outside help and save your marriage and your relationship with your daughter which in my book take higher priority over your dad. You can help him by finding a "better" place to live out his remaining years and that shouldn't be under your roof. You and your family need a break and that IS OKAY!!!!

I agree with tornadojan. We really can't expect people to sacrifice so much for the benefit of a single person who has created such a mess. It is only their life if it is the life you create for them, LifewithDad. To expect them to fall into their proper roles out of their devotion for you could be asking too much of them.

The dad is not homeless now, he is with the LW. Not sure what the question here is. He sounds mentally ill and he will not be getting any better, he needs treatment. Maybe he has brain damage from alcohol? This is a difficult situation, different from dementia. The LW is trying to do her best for her family, even though dad is destroying it, and I am glad the daughter got away! But dad may decide someday to go back to 'living free' and if not under guardianship, is perfectly free to do so. (People read about the homeless and say, 'oh, why don't those cruel relatives offer that poor suffering homeless person shelter in their own homes??' Because often, the poor suffering homeless person prefers to be out on his own, or is insufferable to live with, due to mental illness. And you can't force the mentally ill to get treatment or take medication .... or anything!) Good luck, LW, I am glad your daughter is out and moving on with her own life, she should not be involved in your situation as she is young and has her own future to worry about.

LifeWIthDad, according to my calculations, your dad is only 62. That means probably many more years of care. Your daughter paid a price but it sounds like she is planning a future and will move on and out. I am most concerned about your relationship with your husband. You say your husband has already paid a price because of his love and dedication to you. The price will only get higher. I strongly encourage you to look into some alternate arrangements. It is one thing to start this process with someone in their 70s or 80s. But as you say yourself, you all have already paid a price. Not to be negative but it's likely it will only get worse. You took vows with your husband - please protect your marriage number one! Good luck!

Having read Your Post LifewithDad it is Heartbreaking but You will discover this as Your Cross in Life. I think every one of Us is tested, and You are doing very well. Your Dad is so Blessed to have You for His Daughter. Remember to Look after Yourself too.

So what is your question LifewithDad? No one said life was easy, it is difficult. How you deal with your challenges is the real test. Hang in there!