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Hello,

I had finally told my father that I could not do everything any more over 10 days ago and guess what? He can actually do things for himself and remember things and drive and keep himself together all by himself. It took me seven years to finally burst and blow up and tell him I cannot do everything. I am so glad that I did that and wish I did it eariler. He is moving into his own place in 2 weeks and we went shopping for the first time since our little spat and he actually said thank you for things and acted very nicely. So I wish I said something eariler. Well I had said that I think I did him a mis-service by doing everything for him and now allowing him to grow himself and he actually told me today he is joining a group. I have asked him forever to do something like that and he is finally going out on his own so maybe if we did not let ourselves get so involved that they might do more for themselves.

I hope others can feel more confident in doing this as I finally had to before I completely lost my mind. Believe me you will feel much better. Take care of yourself first or you cannot take care of anyone else if you become sick.

Take care
Alice
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Diavbelalla, I as a professional care giver I often see these things happen to those who are the closest to the one sick, most often the children. As a care giver I drawn the conclusion it has to do with the fact our parents raised us and parents are most often closest to the children in most cases and therefore expect back what was gave to us as children. Often when our elder or sick parents act out withus it is because they are scared, realize they are sick and do not know what to do or afraid they will be abandoned with no one to be there. Some times thier medical conditions influance this or cause undesirable behaviors especialy when pain or other factors are involved. It is true you need time to yourself, time to have some life and get rest so you do not burn out or your health falls. It is not any thing your doing wrong, it may be she is angry at her conditions and often people vent to the ones closest to them because they know you will listen and expectations become high. Often people who have been independent all thier lives when they fall ill or sick, that changes thier out look because of not knowing maybe how to deal with it as thier independence has been altered. The thing is you will always love her and in the end she will know you love her and realize you did every thing you could to help her. The other thing is you need time to your self to to have a break. As others have said seeing the doctor can really help for starters and having other care sources on hand like a care giver to assist mom a few hours a day may help if mom is willing to accept that, some times that does not always help, but some times it does. Discussing the appropriate measures with your moms doctor will help you though and hopfully give you a sense of relief to retain some options to assist you and you mother in this time of need. I wish you the best. Take your needed time for a break and do not be discouraged as it is not your fault and really it is not your moms either, she needs medical attention.
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Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to say that when my husband told my mother that that was enough and to shut-up she didn. It has been a long time now with little verble attacks.
When I would say that is enough she would like I said nothing at all.

But when my husband stood up for me she listened.

Lynn
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dear CLL007--I can sympathize with your problem. When I stayed with my mother on weekends she also verbally attacked my husband. I think that they feel alone and lash out because of the frustration. Plus, they get jealous of the time that one spends with the husband, they don't care if the husband is disabled, its all about them, I guess its an age thing. I probably did the wrong thing by arguing back with with my mother instead of walking away, but I figured standing up to her will stop it, but unfortunately she still does it on a lesser basis.

Can you get help in so you can get a break?

Please write again and let us know whats happening. Mari
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She's probably jealous of the attention you give your husband and since you live with her she feels entitled. It's a tough situation. So often we do what seems right for everyone, but it leaves us vulnerable to abuse since if the elder is the person financially in charge, or if you live in their home, they can take advantage of that, even though you are carrying out your end of the agreement and then some.

Detaching from her comments and helping your husband do that too - not reacting but just walking away and saying you won't listen to that talk, should help some.

She needs to learn you and your husband won't be treated disrespectfully. It's amazing what they can learn if they think you'll make different arrangements and you aren't under their thumb.

Take care and keep in touch,
Carol
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Hello everyone! My name is Cindy and have been living with My Mother since May. I gave up a Full time,good paying job to take care of my Mother. She's 80, and well like most of the other comments I've read, If a spouse in involved it is very hard. My Husband is disabled and he needs my help also. Every 2 or 3 week's she doesn't like my Husband for some reason and constantly is saying nasty stuff about him, it is driving me Nut's. She always is saying he can do more for himself. I didn't claim him disabled the State of California did what make's her think he can do more? I'm very stressed and my Husband feels the tension I'm under. Any advise?
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Hi Girls,

This is Alice and I just wanted to say that I am doing good today and I hope everyone else is also. I feel bad with just being tired with all that Lynn and Barbees have been through. Another thing I have heard before is their is always someone worse off then you and that is so true so I feel blessed. I will pray for you both and for your families. I know how hard these things are also. I guess its the way life is. But sometimes I wish things did not have to be so hard on people. For a long time I have very hard times and always wondered what was going on and then I changed myself to think positive and take care of myself and make my life happier and that works because I no longer feel like I am going through hard times except the things I put on myself.

And the biggest thing is the care of my father. He has been doing ok but for some insane reason I still feel bad because he is sad. I wish he was a happy person but I can't stand to see anyone unhappy expecially my father--its just I don't want to be responsible for everything in his life and I should not feel bad about that.

Anyway things are still good!! I hope everyone is good I am thinking about you all and thank you for hearing me~!!!!!

Alice
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Hi Barbees,

So glad that you are still hanging in there. Try to keep smiling. Just to know that you are not out there by yourself helps. I do understand what you are going through. I have only told a small part of my story and so I completely nderstand. I will keep you in my prayers. The pull on the heart strings hurts sometimes. Trying to put up a front that everything is fine is hard. But to know that we all on this site share some kind of problems that we can relate to helps us to see things a little clearer.
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This is barbees again, I'm venting again. After dad died mom got so she couldn't take care of herself. AT that time I was living in another town and my daughter,I have a girl and a boy, would go and check on her,one day she stopped by and mom had left the gas stove on with no flame. The house was full of gas fumes. Two weeks later she moved in. Then she called me and said that she couldn't handle mom,I moved in three weeks later. My brother who has the cancer and my little sister were not happy about it. They wanted to put mom in a home. Here I found out that when dad died they had a buyer for moms' house. We have lived in this place since 1960,this is the FAMILY HOME. So I knew that if anything were to happen they would throw me out in a heartbeat. So I bought the place .Now mom can stay as long as possible. Both my daughter and myself have worked in nursing homes and there is no way we will put mom in one.Then 2 years ago I had two disks fused in my lower back. My son moved in to help with things. So now there are as followed my mom, myself, my daughter,her two girls ( oldest has a 19 month old girl and her boyfriend who got kicked out of his mothers place because he wouldn't stick up for his mother's pot smoking around the baby) and my son who got busted for DUI and has lost his driving privelages. So there are 5 generations living here,it's good to have this website.It helps
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Hi

Our family has been through almost the same thing. One of our son's at the age of 30, passed away. Both in-laws have passed on, my dad left us 2001 age 81, even though he lived a long life he suffered the last 2. I watch him go down. We lost a grandson in 2006 at the age of 14. Mother has parkinson's and now I'm taking care of her. I have had to move her from assisted living to a health care. There I see her going down faster. I can't be there all the time to help her do small things like make sure her make up is on right or that her teeth is brushed. She sits in her room and tells me she is bored. She can pull herself around very slowly in her wheelchair but then she gets so tired she doesn't always get back to her room. We are not very close I'm sad to say. I go and polish her nails and fill our her menu each week. We talk on the phone when she can talk loud enough to understand what she is saying. I get calls at 2am and 4am a lot. I'm glad I don't work. Sometimes I can't get back to sleep. She just calls me to ask what time is it. Then she holds the phone. I don't hang up but explain what time it is and she sometimes doesn't understand.

I too was told the God want give you more that you can handle. Let me say that now our son has lost his job (the family that lost the 14 yr. old) and are about to loose their home. I'm not sure what else can happen to our family but I'm not holding my breath. Just praying a lot.

Lynn
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Dear Barbees,

You have been through so much pain and its good to share it with wonderful caring people. I feel sorry for your many losses in life--God knows the reasons we do not. But my grandmother always said that God does not give us what we cannot handle. I know I often wondered about this myself but if thats the way it has to be then who am I to say different?

I am glad you had some relief writing down things--I did the same thing here and was so happy to find caring, interested people who have been through similar difficulities.

Hang in their and remember you are not alone!!

Alice
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Good Morning Barbees! You certainly have your share of heartship in yur life. I found when dealing with grief and tragedy, the only answer is spirituality. Believing there is a reason for everything and there is a life after death may help you get through your next heartship. I understand what you mean about Alzheimer's being a blessing. There were times I wished my dad had it when he was going through the pain of dying over a 3 year period. He was in hospice for over 1 1/2 years and was aware of everything going on around him. He had a coloseomy (I sure butchered that one) and also had to wear diapers. I watched his dignity being stripped away day after day. Whenever I tried to help change him, his lips disappeared and there was a stern look on his face. I knew he didn't want me to see him like that! I knownow, he hung on for the benefit of my mother, who would have been devastated if he died suddenly since they were married 58 years. She had a long time to adjust to the possibility and reacted much better than I thought when he passed.

I'm happy you feel better writing out your feelings for others to read and provide comments on. Seeing your plight and pain, might help other people deal with theirs. I am new to this site and have only replied a few times trying to help others, while helping myself. May God's Blessing be upon you and help you get through to a better place in your life. Ladydi
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HI,
I'm new at this so bear with me. I'm the 4th child out of 6 kids. My father was from Cleveland,Ohio and my mother is from the hills of Kentucky. Interesting combination right? In 1989 my older brother passed away. He was 41 had cancer. Then in 1992 my younger brother passed away. He was 34 had Aids. In 1995 my father passed he was 71 had a heart attack. In 2001 my older sister passed she was 55 had cancer. Now mom has Alzheimer's. My younger sister said she would helpme take care of her,ya right, she stops by maybe twice a month to take mom out to dinner and to get her hair done. So she's gone for about 3 hours at the most.Now we find out that my oldest brother has terminal brain cancer and is expected to live between 4-6 months.I know that Alzheimer's is a nasty disease but sometime its a blessing because if mom was normal ,she probably would not be able to handle losing so many of us. This probably is wrong section for this but You know what? I feel alittle better since I wrote this all down. Thank you for listening barbees
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Good for you! This is exciting and a boost to us all. Next month is National Caregiver's month, and you are an example of what we need to do for ourselves and for our care receivers. They need to do as much as possible for themselves, and we need to care for ourselves.
Carol
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Thank you for the wonderful words. This is the best place on the internet I have ever gone. I have talked to dad and he is doing things for himself. He is going to the doctor by himself tomorrow. He actually ordered his own refills today because he told me.

I was also happy to hear him sounding good and he said he is moving into an apartnment that is very nice and has lots of other tennents his age and with his interest.

So maybe by letting dad know I am tired and cannot do everything he will find a more fullfilling life with other people and interest. I want him to be happy and have friends hopefully he will now.

Thanks again
Alice
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Very sound advice, Mariagold. Most parents did the best they could, even when it wasn't very good. Few set out to purposely cause harm. Then, when they are old and hurting, fear can make them even worse. That doesn't mean caregivers have to take abuse. But standing up for yourself and detaching with love - these things are hard, but they do work.

Carol
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To all who have to endure the anger and frustration of an ailing parent I offer this as a caregiver of many peoples parents. Stand up for yourself because you must take care of yourself first before you can care for another. We all need to learn and grow from our relationships so by asserting yourself and shedding the guilt trips you become a mature adult who no longer can be treated like a child and manipulated that way. At the same time you can assert your love for your parent. That no matter how baddly they treat you respect and acknowlegde a life that was lived the best way they knew how. This kind of attitude will reflect respect for both of you. Because when the end comes you will be able to let go and be right with it. This is what some parents who are only thinking of themselves and what they are going through do not understand. And that might be that underneath it all they are aware and afraid of dying and dying alone. So why do they push the one's who help away with bad behavior? Maybe that is all they know. If you understand this and can be the mature adult you may help your parent to grow too by showing them a better way of getting the attention they want. Do it for the both of you.
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Venting is good. Please keep coming back. You may want to check with your state human services to see where there is counseling in your area. You know you deserve better. Sometimes it's hard to make that stick until we have support.

Take care,
Carol
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Thank you so much for makiing me feel better. You know this is sort of our generation problem because people used to live such short lives before that these long term caregiving situations did not happen very often and if they did the huge families of the past were more than enough to take care of family.

Its different today--people live alone for long periods of time and I must say I enjoy my time alone but I always have friends if I need to talk to someone, except I have wore them all out on the daddy thing. No one can believe I have been doing all this for so long.

So I wish there were more intervention by caretaking ideas and help for families like ours. It always seems to work out that one child does everything. I have been free for 3 whole days and I still feel sad because of his choices in life not because of mine.......I have realized that I have to live my own life or I will regret it forever and he really does not care about anyone but himself.

Thanks again--I am sure this will last a while and as long as I have someplace to vent maybe it will be easier to keep my life my own.
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Lynn said it all. He should be in assisted living, and he'll have people, care and whatever else he needs. If it becomes a situation where he needs a guardian, and your siblings won't step up, you can have a court appoint someone. You can't continue to take this abuse. Thank goodness your husband is behind you. You don't want to lose that support and your health. Your dad is choosing this way of behaving and you can't live with it. You've done more than enough. Things have to change.
Carol
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My mother has palyed this game with me. No drugs or alcohol but lost of verble hurt and made to fill guilty. I have to come to terms with what realy counts in my life. My husband and I are not responsible for mother ever monet of the day. If your dad has the fanances to rent let him rent. Let him be on his on. Don't feel guilty, you have been there and done what needed to be done. Sounds like he is ready to be on his on. If he needs friends tell him to check into assisted living. They will do some of the little things for him, and you can visit when you have time. This game has been played on me for years. I no longer feel bad about what She thinks I should do. I have done what I can, but I too have a life and like your dad, she was not there for me except to cause trouble.

It is sad but I have come to terms with mother as a very good friend. What would I do to help a very close friend? Tough love is what I call it. They can and will run you down and next your health with start showing sign of problems.

Take care of your self and be thankful for the support of your husband.

Lynn
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I really need to tell this story to someone and this seems like the place to do it because from what I read you have all been and are in the same place as I. I have been taking care of my father day in and day out for the last seven years. The last 4 have been really hard, 12 surgeries and recoveries and this last time 5 months ago was the worst I did not think Dad would make it. I have 3 sisters and they all live far away so I am the one who all this falls on. Dad was not always the best Dad and not their for any of us--therefore, the reason I am the only one helping him. Well I did not think he would last long and his alcoholism kept us away for many years until it made him so sick he stoped drinking 4 years ago. This is when the doctor visits started and before I knew what hit me I was his full time caretaker.

Anyway this past summer he did not even know the difference between AM and PM and I decided since he was on his last leg that I should put him in assisted living or my home if my husband agreed. My husband never got along with him because he has always been abusive to all of us. Anyway I got rid of his rental home of 12 years and he would not hear of assisted living and came to my home. Well since being in my home he has had a recovery to the point he is all of the sudden normal. I think he minulipated the situation to move with me. After all he has been great at that forever--when no one would talk to him all of the sudden he would end up in the hospital and everyone would come feeling sorry for him.

So for 4 years I have been their every day every appointment and now my home. I told him now that he was ok to take care of himself that he had to move into another place being that it is horrible having him here day in and out.

Well everyday is a fight and I feel so taken advantage of--I have a husband and I am 3 classes away from my BBA degree. He has me so stressed that we got into a huge fight and he is at the cornor hotel. I could no longer take it. I never have fought with him being sick but I feel he worked out this situation trying to get between me and my husband. Now I still feel guilty. What is going on I have been his slave forever and he has never been good to me and never said thank you once. Its like I have to do it for him and he never takes responsibility for his own actions.

What should I do? I never want to see him again but I am guilty for wanting my life back and I want to get over it. So many times he could have done things but he would rather be lazy and have me do them. How do I handle this? I have tried to get him to get friends or go to a class several times. I am ready to go back to work how can I attend to all his needs when they never end????
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I have learned to stand up for myself but lately the husband has fallen back to his old habits and won't dress himself always says he can't-now he is in the hosp. again I am getting a much needed break and when he comes home I will have to seperate myself from him more. now it too cold to go out to the sunroom and close the door. I am discourgaged because I had worked so hard to get him independent in the first place.
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Norma, check with your state human services department. Many have federal funding for respite care that goes unused, as people don't know it's there.
Carol
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I'm sorry for your frustration, Norma. Check with your local assisted living facilities or your county's Department of Aging to see if you/your mom qualify for respite care. The ALF most likely will require a fee but your county may have a fund that covers the costs for short term respite every once in a while. Maybe you and your husband can plan now for some time to yourselves around the holidays.

Val
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ok thanks to all of you for answering my question. I just found out my brother and his wife won't be up to relieve me again this weekend or for the next couple of weekends for that matter. I have had 2 full days to do what my husband and I want to do in over one year. i am glad I can be here for my mother,but she doesn't me half of the time, and she usually won't talk to me other that one syllable answers. Sometimes, i feel like i am in this alone, my brother is too busy being a social butterfly, going on trips, visiting friends and going out to eat. I can't even get that. Mom doesn't even thank my husband or me when we do take her to eat.
Norma
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Many seniors would qualify for Medicaid, as well. All options need to be examined if they are not able to pay their bills.

Eventually, the health care system will work through the fact that it is cheaper to keep seniors in their homes with paid care, whether family or hired from an in-home agency, than to pay for nursing home costs, if the elder doesn't really don't need a nursing home. When that time comes, I expect that family caregivers may get paid. How much is the question. Will it cover the lost salary of the person who quits work to care for the loved one? We'll see.
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Most states and insurance companies would go broke paying caregivers even if it meant keeping an elderly person out of a nursing home. I don't imagine that such a bill would get very far especially in these days and times. I'll still check it out though. There may be some little known law on the books that few people know about. Many counties have services that seniors qualify for other than Meals on Wheels. Some counties offer assistance with energy bills, for example. I recently learned that many seniors qualify for food stamps through their state. Every little bit helps!

Val

Val
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Hi Santababy,
I'd check with Pa. State Human Services department (they may have a different name, but if you get to the general place, they'll point you in the right direction). There is national legislation being pushed by some legislators to pay family caregivers, but at this time, to the best of my knowledge, there's nothing national. If I'm wrong on this, I'd love to hear about it.

Some private insurers, Long-term care policies, and maybe even some counties and states have this in place, but it's far too rare. I am sure we'll see this coming, but it's not much help for those who need it now.

Carol
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Santababy266 I read you get paid by your mother's insurance company for being a caregiver, is this Medicare or her private insurance co. I have been trying to look into this for myself, but no one knows what I am talking about. I keep hitting brick walls. I live in Pa. if that helps.
Norma
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