Hi everyone. I'm 47 years old and live in the home I grew up in with my mother. She just turned 79 in late July.
My mother is obese (5'6" and over 300 pounds), is on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol. She has two coronary stents. In late 2005, she started having some vision problems due to circulation in her eyes. Because of her weight, she has some mobility issues/arthritis.
In spite of this, she is in better shape than many others I know who are her age.
She's always been demanding and prone to bad temper, but over the last month, it's gotten a lot worse. Right now, she hasn't spoken to me for almost FIVE DAYS all because I went out to dinner with my significant other on his birthday and came home around 11 that same night. She was mad because she had to get up out of her chair, go in the kitchen, and cook something.
I had brought her some food from our dinner and she basically said "I eat more than once every 30 - 40 hours; shove it up your a**; go take it to your significant other and his family, they're all you care about anyway." I had told her in advance we were going out to dinner and I would be home later.
Since then, she won't say anything to me unless it's in a sarcastic or hateful tone of voice. When I called and asked her what she wanted to eat before I left work on Friday, she said she "hadn't thought about it" and hung up on me. When I was getting ready to go out with my signifcant other last night, she said "I see you're getting ready to go work your corner again." (Yes, my mother basically called me a whore.)
I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and request a face to face meeting with him. I really believe she needs some medical help. I'm at the point now where if I DO go out, I'm afraid to go home, not knowing which side of her I'm going to see.
This makes me angry. I bring the paper in for her every day, bring in the mail, make sure the checks are written so bills are paid, do the laundry, take out the trash, go to the store for her. I do clean the house--not to her satisfaction, but I do the best I can.
She doesn't like my significant other, but it seems that she's becoming more resentful of the fact I have a life and do social things. A few weeks ago, when I told her that I was meeting some friends after work to see a movie, she said, "so that means you're not going to feed me?". I said, "I will bring you dinner AFTER we leave the movies and that will be sometime after 7:00."
She won't go anywhere--I've tried to get her to go places and she won't.
I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just need to vent.
Please continue to stand up for yourself Ladydi, you sound like a strong person and will be fine. please post again, mari
Day services (sometimes called senior day care) can be expensive, but usually you can choose how often they go. They often have a pickup bus, too. Both are options to look at so that you can get out more and have some time.
Mostly, you'll have to learn to stick up for yourself, and I know that's hard when you haven't been (that's my personality, too). In the end, though, we have to make the abusiveness stop. It's harder when you live together. You can't just walk out of the apartment, but you can leave the room.
Tell her you won't do what she wants until she can talk nicely to you. If she is getting (or has) dementia, then you need medical help. If it's her personality, it's ingrained in your relationship, and will be a struggle to wiggle out of. Please do keep coming back here to talk, and get help through adult social services if it gets too rough.
Carol
Carol
Take care,
Carol
But if you can distract her, she'll forget some of it. Paranoia is one of the hardest things to deal with, because you don't want her more scared by agreeing that the people on TV can see her, but she won't believe you if you say they can't. Getting her away to something else, when possible, is best. I know this is tough. I'd get her to see her doctor pronto.
Carol
Thanks again, it is good to hear someone else's opinion, especially someone who has dealt with a similar thing. Stay in touch
Good luck with this and keep in touch.
Carol
Maybe your mom is afaird of loosing you. I care for my mom. There greast fear is of being left alone. No matter how many times you may tell them differently. You may have heard the saying "Misery love company." I learned quickly to put myself in my moms place. A very hands on women who commanded our family now has her youngest child caring for her. Sure she would say things to me that hurt to the bone. First instinct was to react to what she said. Then I thought about how I would feel if I was her. The answer was scared. Talking with your doctor is a great idea. I know she doesn't want to talk to you but try asking her what is upsetting her. Plan a mother daughter day she can put on a calender. Make it all about her!
Maybe then she will share how she feels. Daughter's are daughters all of our lives. And our mother's like it that way.
I know it will all work out! Best of luck!
My mom now feels less powerless.
Thanks for the insight.
Valerie
Carol
You need to keep standing up for yourself and letting her know it is not allright to treat you the way she has been-keep telling yourself you should be treated with respect-it was very hard to let others realize I am important and should be respected esp. and mostly the husband he is finally getting it.
Like you my mother has tried to control me by making me feel bad about anything I do for myself. I could not keep my mother in my house nor live with her because of the word/mind controling hateful things she would say that hurt very deeply. Mother is in an nursing home, near by, where I control the visits and phone calls. If she gets ugly with me I leave. Mother is in a wheel chair and can walk if she has help but not by herself. I'm the only one in the family that will even try and take care of her. You must take control of your life and what is happening. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Terri
Cost and quality of services is a huge factor in assisted living. In my area, quality is anywhere from "good" to "When can I move in?" However, cost is factor, and with our health system, it's unfortunately harder to get help with assisted living costs than nursing homes, if the elder doesn't have a lot of assests.
Assisted living can cost less than a lot of hours of in-home, however.
Good to hear it's working so well for you.
Carol
Carol