Deliberately uncooperative narcissistic mother.
haven't had a decent relationship with my 82 year old mother since I left home at 19. She has always been self-centered and self-destructive, and I'm sure she is baffled as to how she has managed to live so long. NONE of the behaviors I am about to describe are new or because of age-related health issues.
She has shown no interest in my children or me and has only contacted me over the years to ask for money or complain about how her boyfriend was treating her. She was living with an abusive younger man from 1993 to last year, when he died. I had called Adult Protection Services twice after hearing some of her stories about his behavior but when the authorities showed up, she always denied that there was a problem and told them that I was a liar.
After his death she started contacting me more often and demanding attention and help. She expected me to drop everything I was doing (including homeschooling a special needs child) and take her to the bank, grocery, doctor visits, and pharmacy. I have taken her to appointments and grocery trips a couple of times this year but since I live about 45 minutes away, I thought it would be easier to send her transportation vouchers for discounted cab rides. I had encouraged her to sell her car because she couldn't afford to maintain it, it wasn't functional most of the time, and her eyesight and reflexes have gotten so bad that she shouldn't be driving anyway. The only reason her license was renewed the last time was because she bullied the BMV employee who gave her the eye test. She was furious that I sent her the vouchers and wasn't driving her myself.
When she told me she wanted to move out of the mobile home where she currently lives (belongs to boyfriend's son), I sent her applications for assisted living apartments and section 8 housing. She claims the applications are too difficult to figure out. I told her that volunteers from the senior citizens center would be happy to help her, but she refuses to discuss financial matters with strangers!
Literally every time I try to help her in any way, she sabotages my efforts or refuses to follow through with anything, then tells people that I never help her. She has decided that since she is now old and has had a rough life that she should not have to pay for things. She didn't bother depositing a pension check at the bank and ran up over $300 in overdraft fees. I convinced the bank manager to waive the fees just this once. She then did it again a few months later. I spent half an hour making payment arrangements for her at the local clinic ($20 per month to pay off a $120 bill) but now she is refusing to pay even that! She now says that if she is going to be charged, she won't seek out medical care at all anymore, despite her complaints of nausea (of course, half a fifth of gin a day would make anyone's stomach hurt).
She threw her dentures away because they were getting uncomfortable and now can barely eat with the few teeth she has left. She refuses to make an appointment at the local university's dental school's free dental program because she doesn't want to go all the way across town and doesn't believe the students are qualified enough to fit her with new dentures.
Most recently I found someone who would come to her home and do her hair, so that she would not need to take a cab to the hair salon, but since the woman was black, my mother ( who is very racist) threw a fit and refused to let her in. When I sent a (white) handyman out to fix her shower, she refused to let him in either. She screamed at me for treating her so badly and sending "n*****s" to her home and told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
I am done trying to help and being thwarted constantly. I realize that I'm the only family she has left, but I can't do this. If she ends up in the hospital, I'm guessing that the social workers there will figure out what to do with her.
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There is not likely much anyone can do a bout an elder telling whoppers.
You can joke it off [trying not to be sarcastic...]
You can simply state the facts--especially since you have paperwork to prove it [like those funeral arrangements], if any care to ask.
BUT...usually, people realize Mom is not quite on-the-beam;
any attempt by you to correct her, especially in front of others, will end badly.
IF anyone asks, you can inform them later.
Usually, no one asks, and the discussion is dropped.
Mentally/emotionally disturbed parents have uncanny ability to push our buttons--they want an argument. They trained us all our lives, to rise to their bait.
By avoiding rising to their bait, it prevents those becoming epic, usually.
For instance, you could simply state facts, in a quiet, persistent tone:
"No Mom, this pan lid is mine; yours is somewhere else."
When Mom keeps escalating, quietly repeat: "Not this lid."
When I did that, [and after several repetitions], Mom returned to her room, rummaged about, found hers, and walked back to the kitchen and barely whispered "I hate it when I do that!" --no eye contact, body language was very contrite and turned away in embarrassment.
So yeah, they know.
They know they are out of control.
They cannot help themselves.
We cannot change them.
We can only control how we respond--or not.
Diversions, reinforcing facts quietly yet firmly, redirecting, etc. can all help.
BUT, those cannot change a dysfunction parent who has always been dysfunctional, into a nice person.
Any bits of "nice" they do show, are almost random
==enjoy those bits, and hold onto those as the good memories.
Do your best to hold onto the good memories;
try your best to avoid allowing an elder to destroy all traces of the bits of good things--Mine nearly did that; it's taken over a year to start finding the bits of good memories..
that's about as long as a person with significant dysfunction can carry it--things start falling apart, both professionally/work/ and home.
The thin veneer of functionality starts crumbling faster, the more stressors they try to juggle, and the more bad choices they make.
THAT alone, can make them get far worse.
Adding age, does no favors--only makes it harder to tell when dementia is setting in, until it gets pretty marked.
Mostly it is hard to tell, because the person has learned long ago, how to buffalo their way by, putting on really awesome "show-timers" performances, even fooling in-hospital psychiatrists and staff.
Mental evaluations are not ordinarily done when an elder is admitted.
Nursing and Medical staff will usually only do the "garden-variety" vitals checks each shift, unless the person shows something out of the ordinary--something that lets them know something is worse.
Mental evaluations must be requested, and, are not necessarily very revealing, due to the elder's great ability to perform "show-timers".
If you just need someone to say, "hey, its not you, it's Mom," hey - its not you, it's Mom. Sometimes you just can't do more than your best.
I ended up making all of the funeral arrangements and settling all of the bill, yet my mother told everyone that she had no one to help her. My mom now complains that she is alone and abandoned. When I offer to go on a vacation for her, she procrastinates, or tells me that she she will go on her terms. I offered to have her move in with me with the help of an aide when I am away at work, but my mom refused. I also suggested that she consider moving into a senior community, but she also refused. Where she lives not, there are a lot of community activities and trips planned the seniors, but she refuses to participate.
All family members totally avoided her, because she has been rude and indifferent to them for so long. I still call here every other day to see how she is doing, but the conversations usually end up with her insulting me or hanging up the phone. She never takes the initiative to call me, si after a few days, I call worried that something happened to her.
All of this stress has not affected me to where I am on blood press medication and seeing a cardiology for stress.
I called her to aske here if she wanted to come stay with me for Christmas or if I should come up to see her and she told me , "Iwill decide when I'm ready."
I have decided that I need to move on with my life as trying to help her. I will call her from time to time, but that's it. It's sad to see some seniors become this way, but she is a "functional" adult and I cannot mandate that she do anything that she does not want to. I have no more tears left. . .
I ended up making all of the funeral arrangements and settling all of the bill, yet my mother told everyone that she had no one to help her. My mom now complains that she is alone and abandoned. When I offer to go on a vacation for her, she procrastinates, or tells me that she she will go on her terms. I offered to have her move in with me with the help of an aide when I am away at work, but my mom refused. I also suggested that she consider moving into a senior community, but she also refused. Where she lives not, there are a lot of community activities and trips planned the seniors, but she refuses to participate.
All family members totally avoided her, because she has been rude and indifferent to them for so long. I still call here every other day to see how she is doing, but the conversations usually end up with her insulting me or hanging up the phone. She never takes the initiative to call me, si after a few days, I call worried that something happened to her.
All of this stress has not affected me to where I am on blood press medication and seeing a cardiology for stress.
I called her to aske here if she wanted to come stay with me for Christmas or if I should come up to see her and she told me , "Iwill decide when I'm ready."
I have decided that I need to move on with my life as trying to help her. I will call her from time to time, but that's it. It's sad to see some seniors become this way, but she is a "functional" adult and I cannot mandate that she do anything that she does not want to. I have no more tears left. . .
Her fears are preventing her from getting help.
In some police jargon, I think having someone committed against their will, for observation for 72 hours, is called a "51-50"?
Your Mom sounds very like mine. It was a total nightmare.
IF your Mom was abused as a child, it is possible she might also have some splitting of her personality...which results in things "stolen" then found later where she hid them, or, telling someone something they want, yet, other times, telling them opposite.
My Mom burned thru 3 very choice inheritances, and the procedes from sale of her old place, within about 1 to 2 years, each. Nothing to show for it but hoarded piles of junk, and more paranoia.
Yeah--if she is not allowing people in to even visit her, it's getting pretty bad.
Does she have gas stove or heating?
Does she like using candles?
Those are dangerous...we had a real time of it, to prevent Mom from burning candles in her hoard-piled room. .Cannot tell you how many LED "candles" we bot her, which she "lost".
But we did have a stove fire on our electric stove, due to the oil spills and spatters she left, which I failed to notice one day [she'd spilled oil down under the burner, and underneath that as well][then she wanted to know why I didn't call her to help put it out...!!]
Safety. When someone is not thinking cleraly, safety is a big issue. I really hope that something can be worked out!
As far as I know, she has not been evicted or asked to move. Her name is not on the lease; it was her boyfriend's mobile home and after bf's death his son agreed to let her stay there as long as she pays the lot rent. I am not in contact with this man. She wants to move because none of her neighbors will give her a ride to the grocery anymore and she doesn't want to pay for a cab, pay for grocery delivery, or sign up for Meals on Wheels.
sharynmarie -- I do not have power of attorney -- she refuses to give it to me because she thinks the only reason I want it is because I'm after her money (and there is NO MONEY).
Equinox -- I wish I knew someone who would check in on her (who would be allowed inside). I simply can't afford to pay a companion. You are very fortunate to have someone else be your eyes and ears. I signed her up with two elder 'friendly visit' programs -- Catholic Charities and a nearby church -- but I have no idea if she rejected their offers to help. To be honest, she probably went on a racist tirade and told them to leave her alone.
Many people become street people related to those issues.
Worse, there is something inside their minds that twists them into fearing banks, authority figures, or organizations that could help them, even into fearing family—though with famly, that is usually a control manuever to guilt you into doing her bidding, regardless of her abuses.
It's worked in the past.
Often mental ills or conditions that cause that, exist from some point in childhood . Often, there was abuse as children, and this is how they learned how to get by as they have—dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Poor coping skills were the best they could do, lacking better programming.
Untold numbers of people have managed, somehow, to get through life avoiding getting proper help—especially elders, who grew up in times when mental ills or instabilities meant terrible treatments or lock up, or both—and frightful social stigma.
This contributed to repeat generations of people programmed with less-than-optimal coping skills, changing modestly with each new generation. And the beat goes on...
It took courage to stay in a home with her kinds of behaviors, as long as you did. However, by that time, I am guessing you also were at least programmed to be easily "hooked" back into her cries for help?
She sabotages attempts to help independence: thwarts efforts, because those requests & solutions are NOT what she really wants. Her requests for things, help, whatever, are more like unacknowledged cries for reassurance; relief from inner fears.
It's like a child using whatever tactics they can think of, even "bad", to get attention—if they are only paid attention to when they behave badly, that reinforces that way to get needs met.
Reinforce good behaviors, and kids will behave optimally, and it teaches them how to better/help themselves.
Elders, though, especially over 80, are unlikely to respond to that.
She is as she is; it's up to responsible adults to steer her into proper facilities for her own safety.
Abused children seek some way to feel safe, at all ages, burying fear under more "socially acceptable" excuses: anger, manipulation, illness, alcohol, etc.—whatever they can to get attention from who they feel might provide for their "needs".
It's no difference if that is realistic—only, her attempt to get her "inner needs" met—but nothing to do with her basic needs for shelter, food, etc.,
Hence, anger and rejection of your solutions for those.
As you have seen, nothing you do is the way she wants it, or enough.
You cannot relieve her surface problems, because her fearful thoughts skitter around her mind, refusing to be altered. Add booze, with it's special package of behaviors, and things are really messed up—the older the person, the worse.
But somewhere inside, she realizes how badly she is behaving, and she feels, in her own way, badly for hurting you. Just know, she did the only way she knew how; that was all she could do, as she didn't know how else to manage things. Sometimes that is pretty grim.
You have done plenty, for years.
You have the right to set boundaries on other's use of your time, energy and resources. Your immediate family [children, spouse] come first, and deserve better than exposure to her behaviors, as do you.
PLEASE do not allow yourself to get hooked back in!
You say she's been like this all her life, not age-induced--you are too close to the picture. She HAS gotten worse over time!
Social workers, psychiatrist or counselor, or others, could evaluate the situation.
You called police on her behaviors in the past—it's probably time to call 911 again, perhaps to do welfare checks; perhaps repeatedly.
You said she suddenly wanted to move out of the place she has been living in—do you know if the owner told her to move out ?
Has she been given eviction notice for failing to pay space rent?
Are her utilities being shut off?
[she will not tell you the whole story!]
Those are part of welfare checks, especially for elders who may not be handling things very well. By going through 911 system, all those visits are documented. You can also contact the owner of her place, and ask if he knows what is going on there.
Report a "vulnerable elder, the circumstances you describe above about inability to handle money or pay basic needs, thrown away her teeth—she might not be getting adequate nurition; worried she may become homeless, immenently, and cannot take her in yourself."
OR, she might, deep inside, know it is time to find Assisted Living, and her escalated behaviors are simptoms of that--providing firm guidance to get her into a Care Home or facility, could help provide relief she needs to feel that is gotten by having someone else struggle with the basics of life she can not manage herself.
She would have to be directively moved—perhaps under the guidance of Elder Protective Services, to a facility or Elder Care Home.
But do NOT let her into your home..it will rapidly get far worse than you ever saw!
ALSO, unless you can really afford it, you are not obligated to pay her bills.
That becomes part of her Welfare Checks, and once found to be living in degenerated circumstances, she can be placed in a facililty or elder home, so she is safe—even from herself.
You and your family also need to be kept safe.
I can sure relate to that. My mom was behaving mean to me also. It got to the point where I would cry a lot. Whatever I suggested was answered in a negative way. So I met a friend and since she adored elderly people. She asked me what she can do to help. she was actually a blessing a god send.i paid her, but she went above and beyond her expectations
Sometimes, another person can be one that she will get along with for your mom.
I always kept a journal when I went to visit. And my friend would write down specifics about her schedule. If there was anything she noticed she would call me immediately.Hope things work out better for you. be strong. Take care of yourself
Equinox
You have come up with sensible ways to offer help without getting sucked into her negativity. You have tried enough times over a long enough period to conclude that she will not accept help on your terms. The only reasonable thing to do is to stop offering help. It is very sad, of course, and though we can talk about what is "sensible" I'm sure that emotionally this whole situation is painful.
If it helps any to know that you have approval for your decision, know that you have mine!
Do you think she has some form of mental illness? My mother does and is on medication that really helps. During one of her numerous stays in rehab., a psychiatrist was sent in to talk with her. He recommended certain medications, but she refused to take them. Now that she is in NH, she takes the meds.
I'm the only family my mother has left as she turned away everyone else and my sister lives 3,000 mil. away and calls her occasionally. My heart goes out to you as I understand the frustration they cause us because of things they bring on themselves. Blessings and hugs to you and take care.