Just need to vent. You all don’t need to read or comment. I understand.
Late this morning, my Christmas “celebration” was unceremoniously dumped into the trash bin. I got a few texts from my kids that pretty much made any plans I’d made pretty much worthless.
I've been setting aside a few bucks here and there for a few months, since I went back to work, so I could invite my kids and their families over for Christmas Eve. I haven’t done so for two years since my mom passed and our finances got so bad. I was going to pick my oldest grandson up on Saturday and we were going to shop, cook and decorate the house, something else I haven’t done in two years. I texted the kids and told them to be here at 3:30 since my daughter originally said she was working until 3.
My son texted back and said that he was invited over to his in-laws. He has not ever gotten along with them and they have finally invited him over with their daughter and our new grandson. I’m happy for him but he has thrown me and our Christmas Eve under the bus. He said he would make the 45 minute trip here to spend an hour here and then rush back to head to his in-laws. I told him not to bother. My daughter said she was now scheduled to work until “5 or 5:30”. She said my son-in-law and my other grandsons would come over at 3 but she wouldn’t be here until 6 or later. With nighttime preparations for hubby, by the time we socialized, ate, the kids opened their gifts and they left, I wouldn’t have hubby ready until after midnight.
Our family Christmas get-together has been completely trashed. I’m sure the kids don’t realize how hurt I am. I will be accused of being unreasonable. I am being “fit in” because they apparently have better things to do even though we’ve had these plans for 6 weeks. I had mentioned them coming over the 30th but I’m cancelling out on that. I will UPS the kids’ gifts to them. Hubby and I will most likely have Chunky Soup for Christmas Dinner.
This truly sucks. .
You can enjoy time with hubby.
Basically, a lot of people have stated that the expectations of Christmas are what ruins it for them every year. I'm sorry that you are disappointed but people change their minds, traditions change, people change so you have to change your mindset too. It sucks, but that's life.
Its only taken me 57 years to finally realize that I just have to do me and let everyone else do them and try to meet somewhere in the middle.
I was always and still am, I guess, the understanding one. But there r times I wish I could say "I am disappointed". Not the one who needs to "suck it up" or be the "better person".
Decorate for you. Have a nice dinner, for you. I'm having Lasagna. Make a nice Christmas Day for hubby.
You’re right. I am changing my mindset. I’m tired of being treated like a minor inconvenience by them. Forget the respect I had for my mother and mother in law. I would NEVER have treated them like this.
I'm 57 years old. The youngest sibling is now 54. We ain't getting better looking. More like the opposite. I used to suggest, (jokingly) that we should all show up in our jammies one year. It would be fun and so much more real.
So this year is still up in the air for me. I've told sis, who always hosts Christmas, she'll know at the last minute this year if I'm going. I guess if I'm having a bad hair day it'll definitely be no. LOL
At some point I have to decide for myself what is this really all about and do I want to support something that has never been fun for me.
Your son is trying to balance the needs of two families and offered to make a long trip to see you, but you told him not to bother? What if he does not visit on your terms he is not welcome in your home?
You could make this work if you really wanted to, but it sounds like you are not willing to work with your family to do so.
The children could open their gifts when everyone arrived in the afternoon. Yes, your daughter would miss out on the gift opening, but I am sure she would understand that it is for the kids. Your son could leave after for the visit with his in laws and you could have dinner on the table for 6 when your daughter is able to get off work. This may not be what you originally planned on, but it would work and you would see your children and grandchildren.
I would suggest taking your daughter up on her suggestion for her to arrive late...who knows, maybe she won’t end up as late as feared. Is there anyway that your son can visit Christmas Day or that evening? The following day? I know it’s disappoining, but can you try not to put as much emphasis onto the specific timing of their visits, and maybe concentrate on a visit when it won’t be rushed? Can you salvage any of your plans, even if it’s not what/when you envisioned? Tothill had some good suggestions. My gran would caution me not to cut my nose off to spite my face, as I sometimes would. I hope it works out for you and you still can have some pleasant times with your family.
C, I found your advice the most comforting. I have texted my daughter and told her, for the boys, I am going ahead with my plans. I will pick #1 grandson up Saturday morning as I had planned and we will prepare for the Eve. Whatever time my daughter gets here is fine, I guess. She HAS to work as they are in more dire financial straits than we are. Thank you for validating what I’ve done. Whatever my son decides to do is up to him. I’m not paying for his gas, after all. But, I still think it stinks that he’s thrown us over.
Thanks again. I knew I could count on you all. Merry Christmas.
Take what you can get? I guess, but aren't we as parents entitled to expect a little more from our kids. Why should we have to settle. As kids have a sick father. A took care of a grand while caring for her DH and the daughter got bent out of shape because Mom said she can't babysit anymore? Something is wrong here.
My GF is Mormon. Mormans are big on family. My GF has 4 daughter's from 32 to 44. Not one of these girls would treat their parent or each other this way. When they are on vacation, there are daily calls asking how the vacation is going. I actually thought it gets a little much because my GF will take a call when we get together. But maybe thats better than not hearing from them at all.
I believe what goes around comes around.
May God bless your time together.
You can meet them halfway but still be firm in your wishes and in plans that had already been arranged. Last minute changes not accepted!
Since I left my first husband almost twenty years ago, and live with a second spouse,in a different state, holidays are no longer the same. I had one Christmas, where I flew one son and a granddaughter to visit. Like you, money is very tight for us. Two elderly, sick people. But I tell myself, money is tight for my sons as well, and it isn’t cheap to fly families. In the US, vacation days are like wages for many, crumbs. I do not want to take away from those precious few vacation days, to ask them do spend 2-4 of those vacation days driving to see me.
Tomorrow I pick up the pre-made Christmas feast from a local market. Way too much food for two, so I will pick the bird clean and freeze a few meals for two later, in my very small freezer. Not much space, as I make my own dog food due to the high cost of her prescription food. I decorated a small artificial tree, putting on my prettiest glass ornaments, right before Thanksgiving, due to my spouse having urgent lung cancer surgery, plus many complications, weeks running back and forth to hospital. He is home now, but I’m so glad I did put up a tree, wreath on the door, and will heat up a delicious feast. Today’s forty-something generation, as a rule, seem to mostly ignore their aging parents. Many friends say the same thing. Their kids, our Grands, aren’t being taught by example, to visit and help grandparents as needed, out of love and respect. When their own children become adults, sadly, many of our own offspring are going to get the same treatment we are receiving. It’s sad, but, we couldn’t possibly have been an entire generation of poor parents.
So, let’s just salvage what we can. And may I suggest creating one new memory or activity each year that does not include our offspring? If it’s something that is repeated yearly, all the better. Takes a little bit of the offspring’s sting away.
In the last 6 months I've learned a lot about my own family. My mom was always the stronger force of my parents and as she's started to slip away due to dementia the typical family niceties have fallen away. Mom and Dad celebrated their 60th Anniversary on Aug 15 and my twin brothers had a birthday on Aug 14. While we all stepped up, sent cards and gifts to mark the Anniversary the boys didn't receive so much as a birthday phone call because it didn't occur to Dad that he needed to step up.
Fast forward to Mom's birthday in October (both parents entered LTC in Sept) and the bros, my SIL and nephew and his wife arrived with a card for Mom. She was heartbroken. What she and my dad didn't realize was that as soon as none of the grandchildren nor my brothers birthday's were recognized, the bros thought that this was the new normal.
In an effort to make up for this I made a point of making sure both parents received small Santa gifts through Dec. Of course, when Dec 7 came and went and neither of my parents wished me happy birthday even though I spoke to both of them that day, I felt wounded. Christmas will be the same as always. I'll be 500 miles away, the bros will visit my parents at some point after Christmas Day and both of them will make their own plans to celebrate with their individual families
My point is this, unfortunately I keep witnessing the demise of family traditions as soon as matriarchs stop communicating what the plans are. Now that my Mom is no longer spear-heading things, our family gatherings have ceased to exist. Likewise, with my in-laws. My MIL and her siblings always planned gatherings and none of us were able to deviate from their plan (and that included bringing food or a venue change) As a result, now that the 3 siblings are feeling too tired to host, holiday functions are over. I think it's so important to be inclusive and know when to pass the baton regarding celebrations. And it's never too early in the year to mention to loved ones that next year family gatherings need to be resumed.
Without knowing the personalities involved I'm going to suggest that no one was trying hurt your feeling. Unfortunately they've had to fend for themselves through Christmas in the last 2 years and as a result mutual family goals need to be re-established.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas.