Christmas in the Dumpster...

For two years after my husband divorced me (he had an affair and thought she would divorce her husband) I continued to have Christmas for the whole family - our kids and spouses, his parents and siblings and their kids. I always did Christmas up big, danced faster than anyone trying to make everyone happy. After all it is MERRY Christmas, right? After those first couple years I got my head screwed on straight and said I come first and instead of pursuing a "HAPPY" Christmas I want a Peaceful, Calm Christmas. So the kids(who are adults) and I did our own thing. Years passed and things changed again, my daughter no longer speaks to anyone in the family, my son is divorced and my mother is 94 and unable to leave her condo. So once again I adjusted my priorities. Mom comes first and everyone knows that. After that I will visit whomever would like to see me (easier than having to entertain at my home). I guess in a long way what I am saying is - life is not static, things always are changing and we need to change with them. If we don't that is where we get sad and depressed because reality is telling us that our expectations are at odds with what is actually going on. Make a nice little celebration with what you have, don't give your son a hard time and just enjoy everyones company.

So I’m going to say something that nobody else has, from my point of view as a daughter. I think you have to step back and take a look at yourself, Ahmijoy. What was life like for the kids when they were growing up?? My parents were not the best people, and we all left home as soon as we could. NOW they want the “family” together. NOW then want us all to come visit for holidays. It’s too late. We all have our lives and other family members, and why sacrifice for a day of complaints, loud tv, ignoring us, and giving totally useless cheap “gifts”? When you said “don’t bother” to your son, I see something else going on here. I suggest you do XMAS with your husband, and be grateful for what you do have.

Ahmijoy,

I've gone through what you described more than once, so I know how it feels. You happily invest the time and $ to host Christmas, pulling out all the stops to make it festive, and they ditch you at the last minute. ("Johnny is sick." "The drive is too far.") Whatever. I divorced my childrens' father 16 years ago and they (the kids) always go to his house for Xmas because I live 4 hours away from them and their dad has way more money to spend than I do. I've gone through the "prepare for Christmas and they don't show up" scenario multiple multiple times. Yes, it's rude. Yes, it hurts.

I finally reconciled it this way: I am all too happy to host any holiday. If kids and their families want to spend Christmas with me they are welcome with open arms. If not; fine. I don't want to be a doormat for anybody. I don't want them to come if they don't want to be here. It's a lot of work (not to mention $) just to be patronized.

Over the years I sorta got "zen" about this topic. My son came this year; his idea, and we're having a great time. I realize this may not be the case next year, or the year after. It's all good. It's okay. Life's too short to grieve over it. If DH and I find ourselves celebrating Christmas by ourselves (which is most years), we've adapted to our own personalized rituals and "new" traditions." Calmer. Quieter. More reflective on the Reason for the Season. Less expense and less stress. I've grown to be fond of it. But flexible enough to adapt if they do elect to come.

Ahmijoy, hopefully you can make peace with it. Maybe there's someone in your life who isn't family; maybe someone single, widowed or divorced who finds themselves with no one to be with for Christmas. Get together with that person/family and switch off every other year to host Christmas. Or always host yourself. Personalize your Christmas celebrations. Make Christmas work for You! Downscale, if needs be. In the same vein, family is whomever you make your family. They don't have to be blood relations. It's not to late to have a blessed Christmas. (((hugs))))

As my kiddos grow up and fly, I don't expect them to come home for Christmas but to put their new core family at the front and center of their lives. Once they are married and out of the house, I am happy to see them whenever they can come. I've been blessed to have them all last Thanksgiving, but that is not always the case. Christmas? Not a chance to have them all here - I only have the unmarried ones. There are 365 days a year, and I'd like to see each adult child at least once during that time. I will be the happiest person on earth for those hours I do get to see them. If they are busy on a day I suggest, I might say, since it's such a busy day for you, how about we get together some other time. 365 days of opportunities await!

Ahmijoy, our extended family holiday get togethers started dying when the grandchildren married women from homes broken in childhood by divorce. Those women had a tradition of spending time with Mom and Dad separately on or around holidays, so now we had to find a spot around 3 in-law gatherings in the child generation and at least 4 in the grandchild generation. Then a grandchild got divorced and now we had custody arrangements involved too.

At the child generation, the married couples would alternate spending the holiday with one family or the other or we found a compromise schedule. The only time we ever had to change an agreed upon date/time was when my SIL had a out of town relatives that had to change their holiday schedule due to work; SIL asked that we move our time from evening to mid-day so she could attend both family celebrations and we did.

To accommodate the grandchildren I prepared breakfast for several years and we ate and opened presents together on Dec 24 morning. A family meal was prepared on Dec 25 midday and those without other commitments could attend or drop by later for left overs. When things got too complicated, I moved the celebration to the Sunday after Thanksgiving and/or between Christmas and New Years. Eventually estrangement over the care for our elderly parents ended the complete extended family gathering - now we only all get together at funerals.

I understand your feelings, but I'm not sure "disrespect" is intended or even considered much in the current generation of adults raising children. There's a bit of an issue with "commitment" in the grandchildren generation(35-40 in our family); "I will be there" means maybe and the phrase "I already have plans" doesn't seem to be in their vocabulary. I see this issue in their own lives and not just in interactions with the older generations. Their children "hope" their parents will show up for school functions they have promised to attend too. When I showed up at a school function one of the great-grandchildren told me "I knew I could count on you to really be here!" I just think it is so sad that the kids don't have confidence that their parents care enough about what's important in the child's life to be around.

Now I prepare a meal at midday on the holiday and the family that want to can attend; I invite others - neighbors and really "extended" family to join us. Most of the non-attendees will show up for a visit later that day or within a day or two and go through the leftovers for their favorite dishes. The great-grandkids will often want to be "dropped off" the day or so following the holiday to play with their cousins or avail themselves of their great-aunt's "taxi" service to movies or skating rinks (now that the older kids have phones, they talk to each other and "plan" when to come). One in-law has asked me not to have a holiday meal because it creates problems when her children want to join my celebration instead of attending her mother's gathering; since this in-law insists that EVERY holiday must be spent with her family exclusively, I don't have much sympathy for her.

I understand your pain. I've been there and in some ways I'm still there. I still wish for that full extended family gathering but I realize it will never be again. But I have adapted. I will have a joyful day with family and friends. The grandkid generation makes more of an effort to attend my gathering now that I don't try to accommodate their schedules - almost as if they are afraid their "places" are being taken by others and they are missing something.

There is a time and a season for everything under the sun. The time of multi-generation gatherings with my parents' descendants has passed. This is a new time and a new season. For the most part, I embrace the good memories of the past but focus on the now. I try to release myself from the expectations of the past and grab whatever opportunities the now brings. It helps me cope.

I can't say I understand, but I am sorry for your pain. Would it be possible to reschedule your party for a day when everyone is available? I realize it's not quite the same, but it can still be very enjoyable. Adapt and overcome!

Yes, it truly sucks. I'm sorry.

And you don't have to send them gifts - that's like rewarding them for screwing up.

Does it really matter what day you have the family over? You Said they are supposed to come on the 30th so let them. On Christmas Eve and Christmas day, do something nice for yourself. How about a bubble bath or a day watching Hallmark movies? Take the extra money and have some Chinese food delivered. Just relax.

I believe you were putting to much emphasis on one day. If you haven’t had them over in two years you can’t expect them to change what is now maybe for them a new tradition. Work something out for next year and start your own new traditions

I was supposed to have Lunch with my Niece and her husband on Saturday (they were on their way to his parents' house and stopped by for a couple of hours on the way), but I started to cry so hard when they arrived that I couldn't go. 

I could barely get through wrapping  Christmas presents for my Niece and Nephew and their families because they reminded me of my Mom and that she is no longer here (Mom died September 17, 2018).  Mom LOVED CHRISTMAS and LOVED hosting the Family Christmas Gatherings each year at the house she and I lived in.  In 2017, Mom was in the nursing home at Christmas time and after visiting her for 45 minutes, we left because she was having trouble understanding what was going on.  Mom knew it was Christmas because we opened presents, but she was not able to be part of our conversations like she used.

Instead of my Brother and his family driving to our house (Mom and mine) for Christmas and Mom's Birthday on Dec 28th like they have the past 10+ years, I will have to drive alone to my Niece's or Nephew's house in another state for the holidays.  "Out with the Old (Generation) and In with the New (Generation)."  The torch has been passed to my Brother's Children.

Ahmijoy, please don’t cancel the chance to get together later. I am the (80) year old patriarch of a VERY large family. For (45) years we have hosted a (50)-(60) family member Christmas Eve and was the highlight of this joyous season. But life gets in the way. My wife suffers from Alzheimer’s, we now have kids, grandkids, great grandkids and assorted boyfriends, girlfriends, aunts, uncles, etc.
I finally had to realize a few years back that they are developing their own traditions and are being pulled in many directions by their spouses same familial connections. That is the way it is, but it doesn’t have to ruin those remaining opportunities with your family. We made adjustments and still enjoy each other as we can.
Yesterday two people were killed in an accident just blocks away. My first thought was those lost future familial opportunities for them and their families.
Please, adjust and savor every opportunity, whether exactly as hoped for or not. You will not regret it nor will your family members.
God Bless you in this hurtful but not helpless situation.

So sorry you are sad at this time of the year which should be the joyous time of the year. Venting is healthy! For years my mom would have gatherings including the big holidays at her house stressing over trying to find a date that worked for everyone and year after year it would only be my sister, eldest brother and I who would show with our families. She could never understand why her other 2 sons and their families would always go to their wives family gatherings instead of seeing their own mom and dad or even alternate every year. Eventually, she quit letting it stress her out, she would set the date and say whoever makes it makes it who ever don’t oh well. Things never changed and it’s still the same today. Our mom passed in 2007, but my 2 brothers still don’t come around for our dad who’s health has been on the decline. They won’t be joining us for Christmas. My husband has more memories with my parents than my own 2 brothers which is very sad. When my dad passes, it will be on them that they didn’t spend time with him when he was alive. There’s no reason why you and your husband can’t enjoy the holiday. Merry Christmas to you and may God Bless you now and in the New Year.

Whoever you are (host, parent, in-law, grandparent, adult child, grandkid of any age), you can’t be 2 places at once.

Younger folks are more mobile. They live wherever. And - sad but true - most do not place much of a distinction between actually being present vs FaceTime/Skype vs a text vs pulling a no-show.

Older folks want what they want. Amidst a litany of real “can’t” and fabricated “can’t”.

The middle generation is double-squeezed. Someone is always stressed to the max or disappointed.

Fixating on December 25th makes a bad thing worse. It’s a season, not a day.

Wanting things to be exactly like they were 20-30-40 years ago is magical thinking.

Amongst (what’s left of) my family and in-laws, my guy & I are “the default.” With every flip of the calendar, the only way the family has a chance of seeing each other is if we function as the Party Spot, the Chow Line or the Holiday Inn.

Every so-called celebration brings us a little bit closer to telling them all to cram it. But 83-y.o. MIL is no longer in her own home and no longer drives. It would be heartless to pull the plug on her sense of family (fractured and dysfunctional as it all has become).

“Go along to get along” served me well in my 20s and 30s. It became a trap in my 40s and 50s.

I know that if I could (somehow) be sanguine about the crackpots in the family, I’d sigh less. And dread less. And clench my jaw less.

But that’s not how I’m wired.

I struggle to see past the fact (yes, fact) that the substance abusers, the hopelessly self-centered and outright narcissists are exempt from being considerate.

My 2 cents...carry out everything you had planned, scaled down with food/costs. Enjoy this part of your healing...do it all for YOU. Take the pressure off your adult kids and offer another day and enjoy their company, drop in style/laid back. If it's been 2 years since you've done this, do it anyway! And enjoy the transition. Merry Christmas!

I'm so sorry you feel so hurt. I hope you understand what I am about to say. don't know if you will agree with me but it is the way that I feel.
I understand holidays are meant for family celebrations. I also understand that you are upset that they are not coming at the time you requested. I don't understand why you are making a big deal out of the fact that they said they would come but just not the times you stated. I would be thankful that they offered to come period. the kids are young. active, have second families
now, and want to visit everyone all in one day. So they are not coming the time you requested, you should be thankful that they
cared enough about you to
change their schedules for you.
my suggestion would be to tell them to enjoy their second families and set up your dinner Christmas eve or even the day after Christmas. its the time together and the love that comes with them that counts.
don't be hurt, I am sure each and everyone of us have hurt our parents feelings not meaning too.
sit back relax, and enjoy the family that you have, just at a different day and time.
try and have a wonderful holiday no matter what you decide to do.

I learned my lesson years ago when my 4 kids got married to NOT expect them to come on ANY holidays so I replaced Christmas Eve/Day with a party a week earlier or later when almost everyone could come. We have 9 grands & they all are working or busy so I throw a date out to their parents & they decide when they can come so I make that the day. Just celebrated Christmas at my daughters house on Dec 22nd (I’m too crippled to host anymore) most of the family could make it on time or later —always have a buffet & all adults say what they can bring (too difficult to round everyone up for a sit down meal!) & we had tons of food left over—we brought homemade ham salad & shrimp & dip—one family brought only desserts—one made scallops & bacon & meatballs; another homemade potato salad & chili; the host supplied paper products, rolls, chicken wings—so you can see we had too much food but there was no stress as everyone agreed in October that that would be the best date—praying you have a better year in 2019!!

Please don't let this harden your heart. Since Dad's family all lived back East, it was traditional for all of Mom's immediate family to gather on Christmas Eve for as long as I could remember. We kept that going well into our married lives & beyond.As life goes, her 2 brothers became grandparents as well as Mom/Dad, so eventually each family had their own celebration with Grandma/Grandpa making the rounds to their 3 kids' homes.I pretty much picked up the mantel after many years so Mom could enjoy the holiday instead of always being the "hostess with the mostest".As the trouble making grandkids pretty much ended up with several baby daddies, it wasn't fun any longer.we still went to Mom's, but it was just hor's de vors, exchange gifts, clean up and go our merry way.Ever so much fun.I understand why you wanted this so very much and I think that your kids should have been more considerate, especially your son.I think your daughter from what I read, maybe in the medical field as is ours.If it were me, I would give my blessing, UPS the gifts even if they don't get there in time and CLAIM NEXT YEAR!You'll have more than enough time to plan, keep reminding them, invite their in-laws so there's no excuse.Let them know how much it means to you for them to be with you next Christmas.I wouldn't go all out $$ wise for gifts though even with the grandkids depending on their age(s).Christmas is for celebrating with family/friends as well as the true meaning.For years Mom would spend boo coo bucks on us and we're "adults"!Spend the $$ on the little ones or give to the Church, Salvation Army.Let your kids know you made a charitable donation in their name to the Cancer Research, St Jude, what do "they" need?Really, what do they need?Enjoy a peaceful evening with your husband this year and make them commit to next year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

It is so hard watching special holiday traditions change and it often feels to some of us that they have simply fallen a part, it's a kind of mourning really, at least for me sometimes but when you allow yourself to simply get back to what is truly important to you, what really made those traditions so special and allow room for new wrapping on those core things of importance you will probably find your perfect Christmas (holiday) again. It doesn't mean not missing the old ones but you do start remembering them fondly rather than the memory making you sad. For me I equate it with worship, at Christmas time I love to go into a church, any church for midnight service (doesn't always happen) and enjoy taking part in various traditions and ways of dressing the celebration, same goes for attending services in non Christian places of worship but that's not a Christmas story.
When I was a child we went to my mom's aunt and uncles house, they had kids both older and younger than me (they had 6 kids)and the entire extended family would go as well as my (my mother's actually) aunt's family, she was from very Italian roots and that side of the family while not really mine was mine at Christmas. As I got older and on my own I still never missed going there Christmas night but as they aged, family grew, people passed and things changed so did the party but I still remember and lament that my son never experienced my great uncles singing We Three Kings around the piano (my great aunt was an opera singer and voice coach) or Carmel's lasagna. When my parent's split we still all got together (their significant others included) for Christmas and when I established my own home it was moved there so it could be on neutral territory, later it was sometimes at my brothers and when my fathers 3rd wife didn't make the trip (they moved to FL) we even did it at my mom's or grandmothers because both my mom and dad were fine with that. My point being the place didn't matter so much as long as it worked and the timing was so difficult as everyone grew and had kids, both brothers as well as my dad are/were pilots, we started celebrating our family Christmas on Epiphany or as close as we could all do that. That is the day gifts were originally given and it took the other pressures off everyone so Santa could visit our kids in their own homes (and do other in-law visits), my mom would come up to our house for years since my son was the oldest, closest and only grandchild for a few years.
We started some new traditions for our family Epiphany/Christmas celebration, adults drawing names for the following year so we had one person to do something special for for instance but kept those that had been really important to my brothers and I, stockings for instance were the best part of Christmas for us as young kids and as we got older we started contributing to everyone's stocking so everyone got surprises, nothing big, lots of fun cheap toys or little items and candy and when our kids got old enough they got to participate in the fun of shopping for everyone's stocking (a few years they were baskets). My point being that moving the date actually worked in our favor, no one was rushed or pressured when we got together, we all just hung out together for 2 days and enjoyed down time together, relaxed while including some of the old and some new traditions. Do I miss some of the old, yes but I have never come away from a Christmas disappointed, each has been very special in it's own way even now when we don't all get together anymore, we go to my brother and mom every few years when bro has his daughter, they were supposed to come here this year but she got sick so now he and mom will come after she goes back to her mom's but my husband, son & I have been enjoying our small quiet Christmas Day's last few years anyway and the real important things remain constant, getting quality time with those we care about most around the tree at Christmas time actual date doesn't

Dear Ahmijoy, a couple of comments that I hope will help a bit. I have had the experience of planning something with love, thinking that it is all agreed, and then finding that it’s not. It was hard to realise that the ‘planning’ was almost all in my own head, after a first suggestion that others didn’t realise I had taken as a ‘hard and fast’ arrangement. Then finding that I’m upset, they’re upset that I’m upset, and wishing the whole thing would go away.

My daughter used to work Christmas Day as a hospital nurse, to let the others with families and young children have the holiday while she got the extra pay. And later, she had to balance me, her father and stepbrothers, and her new husband’s family. And her parents-in-law were balancing another daughter, who was also balancing her own in-laws. It is hard to suit everyone, and my expectations got to be a bit low.

At a time when I was feeling bad about being treated with real disrespect, I decided to confront it. It then went from bad to worse, to much worse. There won’t even be a phone call on Christmas Day this year. Would it have been better to ignore it? Perhaps. I think I would have done it differently if I had known the results.

Look after your own happiness. Organising all of this is like trying to solve Rubik’s Cube. Don’t feel that you or your family have failed if you don’t get the wretched cube to work out.

The other thing I wanted to say is perhaps it's knowing just how important this is to you, especially since your mom passed that got your kids into this predicament. I'm not saying they handled it well but maybe they agreed to your plans wanting to support you, make you happy and because it's important to them as well but they neglected to consult with their spouses/significant others and given the fact that you haven't all gotten together on Christmas Eve at least for the last couple of years their significant other's had already made or assumed plans with their families that kind of became tradition over that time. Again, not saying it's right to change on you but in the interest of keeping things happy at home they are giving in to their mistake not discussing it with the people they live with first? You may be taking this far more personally than it is, in fact they may be just as disappointed as you or at least feel awful about changing plans with you and don't know how to make it better because they know how abandoned you are feeling. I get that you are hurt and I totally get why, emotions aren't something we can just control, turn on and off but if you can bring yourself to think about this a bit differently and maybe not as personally offended and "dumped", not be so hurt it might help you and your kids, family rescue this holiday season and make good memories of it rather than festering hurt feelings. Life is just too short, it's not worth taking so much time and energy with the feelings you are having and I so hope you can find a way to get yourself off this road and find one that leads to greener pastures and happier times. Even when it isn't fair and really stinks that we have to make the concessions and effort it is usually worth it in at least some small way just for us whether or not it's recognised, acknowledged or experienced by others. I just don't want you having another tough Christmas if it's at all possible for you to experience some joy from it. To me it's a time for forgiveness or at least to put bad feelings on hold and simply love each other as best we can, you know?

So sorry. Unfortunately you are not alone. Families just aren’t what they used to be. Taking care of your mom was the most precious gift of all. I hope you and your husband enjoy a quiet and peaceful holiday. Although in my opinion you should tell your kids that you’re very hurt and disappointed, and leave that hanging in the air. Don’t lecture or act out. Leave them feeling the hurt they caused you. Maybe next year they will remember and happily be with you!!!

No one through you under the bus.
Change the date. Hire a nurse for dad for two days. Go visit your kids at their homes. Find a different way.
Merry Christmas!!

I had a really crappy Christmas last year so know how you feel. I’d spent a lot of money to provide a good meal and everyone except my daughter either got sick or were too tired. Most of the food went in the garbage. A few months later I made an announcement to everyone that I would no longer do any holidays or give any gifts. ( I didn’t mention that I got gifts for everyone and got nothing in return.). This year we went on a train trip for thanksgiving that included a meal at a casino. I don’t gamble so it sounded a bit tacky to me, but we loved it. The buffet was better than any buffet we ever tried before. So we’re doing it again for Christmas. Anyone who shows up is welcome. And the relief I feel is amazing. Check your newspaper for places that will be open on holidays and start a new tradition. It sure has helped my frame of mind!

May I offer my 2 cents: I am so sorry that your plans are not working out as you would like. I am also sorry that you are hurt.

The truth of the matter is we never know how long we have on earth, we don't know how long we have the people we love either.

My family holidays get together fell apart many moons ago. So, I decided to have my parents over for Thanksgiving dinner in 09, well, I was going to school and became ill; my father and mother became ill this all happened of the years. I always thought I would have time to get it right. My dad died in 2014, I ran out of time...that was the last meal/holiday I had with him! There isn't a day that goes by were I think really "I couldn't have done something different? Maybe having a small dinner at a time when we were all feeling better, and there were times that it could have worked. I would do anything to just have one meal with him!

Please don't throw away this opportunity to talk to them. Give them another chance to make it work...who knows you may not get another chance.


Just a thought! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Ahmijoy: Oh, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I will pray for you.

Christmas use to be so special and magical "back in thr day". I also see and hear from others about the same, that the family unit is going to crap! You know the world is pretty much going to hell in a hand basket...people are shopping on Thanksgiving day now, it's pretty much black Friday the whole month of Dec, in retail, christmas starts coming in the last of Sept, they don't let anyone breath anymore between holidays, and halloween is almost as big as christmas!! But the biggy for me is going from halloween to christmas and alot of people are forgetting Thanksgiving. Aren't we surpose to be thankful anymore? We should all count the blessings that we have. Life is so busy these days. But hang in there (thanks for hearing me vent to) by the way. I hope things work out for you, you have to know that you did your best.

I am sorry that this has happened to you.  I just went through a similar thing yesterday but was able to rescue a few hours from one of my grandchildren.  I planned a gingerbread village & ugly sweater cookie decorating event for me & my grandchildren at their great grandparents' home (my parents) two weeks ago and confirmed and reconfirmed just a day before with all parents, yesterday I find out that one grandchild had been "promised" to a non family member for most of the day.  I had to go to this person's house to pick her up where they all said, "see you back in a little bit" and then she threw tantrums all afternoon because I did not rush her back to that house immediately when she wanted to go.  BUT - she had a great time in between tantrums and we all got to have some fun!

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to my venting. I’ve asked my daughter and her family to come tomorrow and she’s agreed. I’m still upset that my son chose his in-laws over us, but he’s an adult and needs to do what he feels is right. I don’t understand it, but I’ve accepted it.

“Even when it isn't fair and really stinks that we have to make the concessions and effort...”

I don't know about anyone else, but frankly - I’m pretty fed up with being the only one “making an effort” and “making concessions”.

If anyone sees little Cindy Lou - from Who-ville- send her my way cause right now I couldn’t give a flying eff about Christmas.

Bad morning.

My three siblings and their families are coming to my house tonight for Christmas. They are all uninvolved in my mom's care(she has Parkinson's and I'm her full time caregiver). One brother is angry at me for care giving, he said I am spending mom's money and he won't get an inheritance. I remind him hiring a caregiver would cost infinitely more. My other siblings are too self absorbed to help. I don't want to deprive my mom from seeing them, but perhaps there is an easier way to do holidays without everyone coming on the same day?

I am glad to hear that your daughter and her family have agreed to visit you on Christmas Day.  Have a wonderful and joyous Day!